Hunger Artist, The by Simon Lewis (niles crane) - Short - Inspired by Kafka's short story of the same name, this is a short drama in which starving yourself to death becomes an art in itself. 5 pages - pdf, format

Eww...Scribd?  I would find an alternative for your next submission.  

Having said that, it is not a bad introduction, though.  Not bad at all.  A nice piece of work, and I enjoy the literate source material.

It's a strange, little episodic work -- where none of the episodes are integral -- but to remove any of them would weaken the piece, I think.  Except for the two-line OS argument.  I am not really sure what that is doing there.  Am I missing something?

The sparse dialogue is just enough.  Only what is necessary.  I like that, too.

The ending is marvelous, though perhaps a bit longer on the page than it needs to be.

I enjoyed this very much.  Welcome to the boards, Niles.

Simon, nice to see you post something after you've commented on so many. This was an impressive little short. Well written and unique situation.

I got the feeling that you were trying to make light of some of these self-proclaimed artists whom most of us can never understand. For that i applaud you. This was an interesting settting and story. And the ending was supberb.

nice work, looking forward to more, although we would appreciate some pdf. formatting so we don't have to use a magnifying glass...

Other than that, i cannot offer you any suggestions.....             james

Thanks for the nice words, Bert, James

I should say that I woke up with this idea in my head, pretty much exactly as it is on the page, from beginning to end. I just fired up Celtx and typed it up!

It is the first completed project I have written in 7 years, so I was quite pleased with it! The next day I wrote another one! That too should be on it's way to SS shortly.

I felt Scribd would be the best option for now - quick and easy to sign up for and use, though I appreciate it is not to everyone's taste. "rendezvous" suggested I create my own free website with Yola, and I may do this at some point, but for now I just wanted to get the script out there and on here!

I am not sure what you mean re pdf formatting James? Scribd should allow you to view the document full page, basically bigger than actual size. Did this not work for you?

Anyway, after commenting on others scripts recently, it was nice to actually have something to post that others could comment on - and a relief that it attracted some nice comments. Thanks again.

Just re-opened it... Missed the zoom buttons on bottom. I hit "Full Screen" but i still had to read it with a magnifying glass first time. No worries, never read anything in celtx, just more familiar with pdf.

I'm a newbie around here and, if i have the nerve to post what I've written for the OWC so far... You may never see me again.    

James

James

Not having it. Email it it over if you want a ripping and pasting. I'd be happy to oblige.

SimoNiles

Just read as promised.

Funny how folks get out of their comfort zones if Acrobat doesn't fire up just after they click that script link. Anyway...

Can't fault the writing. Only fault I could see was the lack of a space after the full stops. Apart from that it read well. Very well.

Few thoughts. I wondered what the artist was wearing. For some reason I imagined him in a loincloth, a Gandhi type figure. Maybe I'm weird.

Voices? I think you meant voice. 'he legs open'. Think you meant 'her'
'Head on head.' That line lost me. Hand on head?

Excellent little story Simon. Very strange and bizarre, much like Modern art itself. Visually it would look great. Hope it gets up there some day. Fine debut. Well done.

Re

Hi Re

He's naked (this is in the script, but you may have missed it) - I did think about a loincloth, Ghandi style, but it was not how I saw him in my head (in which case, you may think I have a very strange head!).

I am now in the process of setting up my own website at Yola, as per your suggestion. Future scripts will go via that (if there are future ones!), so should avoid format problems.

Thanks for the read and the nice comments.

Hello Simon,

This is the second short this week that touched on sex, and if you throw mine it it's three.  It's like buses.

Anyway, I felt the story was lacking.  It was I suppose humorous at the end but really there wasn't much for me to get into.

Was this your first script?

If so, it's better than my first effort.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Simon. Good effort, I liked this. Very unusual feel to it, almost dreamy.

Maybe there were too many action lines - you spaced them for effect but they can be easily skipped.
The dialogue - what there was- was to the point, as bert said.

Good ending. Nice piece.

Quoted from jayrex Was this your first script?Javier

Not quite.  

However, it is the first thing I have written in seven years, so I am a bit rusty, and I can see how it may come across as a debut.

In many ways I do see it as a new beginning - a fresh start.

Thanks anyway for your comments, Javier, Stevie. It is always nice to have feedback on my scripts. I'll return the compliment.

By the way, my second short this week - once started I couldn't seem to stop! - is now on SS. It's "Rest My Eyes in Shades of Green". It is markedly different from this one.

Hi Simon,

I've not read the Kafka story this was based on but love his work, and found your script, with its subject matter and characters, equally enigmatic  There's a sense that this is making a statement on art, with  the artist laying himself bare, literally, and while I try to analyse it,  yet it remains elusive. Perhaps it's too early in the morning for me
It's written very well. However, there are a few typos here and there, and the use of beats within the dialogue is a bit overdone and can feel tedious to read But I found this to be interesting and intriquing, a bit Lynch like. My only query would be how this would be filmed with the starving man as I think it would make a great short film.


Best,

H

Harriet

I was thinking he'd be anamatronic, for the full body shots, and an actor in makeup for close ups.

Thanks for the read. Can I return the compliment?

Niles

Even though I have only heard about this particular short story but not read it, I have read some of Kafka's work and a big fan of his style, so I was eager to check this out.

If I hadn't got the heads up on the adaptation I would be thinking what the fu?k but this is so Kafkaesque and rings true of his style, especially the unfazed, matter-of-fact reactions of the cleaning lady to the artist's death before she goes about disposing the “expired” exhibit.

I can't say it does justice to the source material as I haven't read it but you certainly succeeded in portraying the cold, eerie, unnerving power of his writing from what I know is ever present in his other works.

The beats in between the Artist's speech reminded me of that annoying, wheelchair bound character from "Malcolm In The middle" although here it fits perfectly here within the context of the piece and in light of his deteriorated state of heath. It just got very old in that show.

A filmmaker would have a great time with this,  the gallery setting, choosing the right lighting, selecting the proper photographs and of course creating the obscenely emaciated central character (if you can call him that) All you need to do now is convince Bale or Fassbender to go starve themselves again.

I really want to check out that short story now which a good reflection on your handling of it.

Col.

Great little short!  Managed to write it out very well without making it sound like literature.  
The dialogue was definately well written, fit with the pacing very nicely.  That along with all the times he was alone in the room, or people ignoring him, definately set him up as an exhibit, as opposed to a human being.

Not sure about going into the animatronics, that'll put the budget through the roof for a tiny little short.  I'm sure some aspiring actor would be willing to starve himself if they cant get bale to do it.

Anyways, impressively written, I'm curious if you have anything longer, more conventional?

Niles, since you were nice enough to critique my short, I thought I would return the favor.  I thought your piece was very well written and I loved the ending.  To me it was quite a surprise.  Hard to believe you haven't written anything in seven years. Well welcome back, I'll look forward to reading more of your work. I read your other post as well.  I liked it very much, although I didn't post on it.  Good luck in the future, Marvin.