Hey Craig,

Quite a surprising ending. I was sure he was gonna either kill himself or his ex or both. Didn't see his plan coming and that is always a plus.

His decision makes sense and does seem realistic, but I think it might be a bit anticlimatic sice the protagonist "runs away" from his problems (main conflict) instead of facing them.

Again, this can happen in real life; people sometimes need a break. But I'm wondering if you could have him "confront" his ex first. Let the conflict escalate, and then have him take the train...

Being a writer, I found Irvin's V.O. to be quite interesting, since he talks about stuff I can relate too. I don't know how this would play with a non-writer reader, but personally, I dig it.

Just one thing about the way you explain his backstory. You've got a shrink that asks the right questions so he can explain his troubles with his ex, etc. It gets the job done but, IMHO, it's a bit on the nose. Perhaps you could have him argue with the ex or something? There's more conflict in a fight/discussion and from it, the audience could gather the backstory you need to explain. Just a suggestion.

Still, I enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing.

Greetings Craig,

Seen you name around here lots so thought I should read your stuff.
I like what I'm reading here, but I don't think it would translate to screen well.
There's little to no action/movement and zero conflict played out on the page.
I dig the writer process descriptions, but I suspect non-writers will not.
We spend a lot of time with Dr. Paige only to have Irving decide to dump him.
Again, no conflict, just an internal decision. Not much action/reaction.
Given the lack of kinetic story, this still reads very well.
It's a bit novel like in times with descriptions, but so is my stuff.
I was sure we were going to have some kind of conflict at the station.
Something, anything. Its nice to see Irving move on with his life though.
For a short where little happens, it does tell a decent story.
That's a testament to your writing skills, thanks for the post.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Craig,

Overall I enjoyed this short. The Irving character was written well. Though him drinking and hanging out with a revolver did seem to contradict the ending, I overall enjoyed him and his dialogue.

I do feel the script could be tightened up a bit. The commercial could probably be removed, at least in my opinion. Also, I enjoyed the interaction with the therapist, but as has been pointed out, there isn't much going on there visually.

As a whole, though, I thought this was a well-written script and I enjoyed it. Keep it up!

Rob

Mr. Z, E.D., and Rob,

Hey guys.  Thanks for taking the time to give this one a read.  I haven't looked at it in a while, and as you pointed our Rob, it could definitely use a little trimming.  

Yeah, it's def a little talky and there isn't much action, so that seems to be an issue with most people.  

Anyway, thanks again for givig it a read.  I think I'll do some revisions at some point.

Craig

Hey Craig.  How you been?

I really liked this story for what it was.  A quiet little tale of an older man just trying to get through life the best he can.  Those kind of stories can never go wrong in my opinion.

For me, I've always liked stories that use a lot of Voiceover, so I don't have any hangups or the same complaints others may have about it.  Nobody can ever argue it's the best way into the reader's head.

I do like how he took the high road, though, and didn't kill himself.  I think somebody else mentioned that maybe Irving should've confronted Annie at the station.  I'm glad he just left, though.  It shows that he's really over her and has nothing else to say about her.  It's his own way of saying whatever she had to talk about with him, she should've did it before she left.  Bravo.

The only thing I really didn't like about the script, though, was having Dr. Paige read Irving's note outloud.  I think as Dr. Paige is reading it, we should hear Irving telling us in voiceover about his true feelings.  He's told us almost the whole story anyway, hasn't he?  Might as well tell us that part, too.

Anyhow, I still really liked it and thought it was a nice, sad little piece.

I'll see you around.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Nice to hear from you, man and thanks for taking the time to give this one a read.  

Yeah, it seems that most people enjoyed this ending.  That was pretty much the plan the whole time, but I'll admit that when I got closer to finishing this, I did contemplate going with a darket ending.  In the end, I kind of liked Irving and didn't want to see him go out by hurting himself or someone else.  

Excellent point about the letter and using Irving instead for the V.O. since he's told most of the story that way.  I'll keep it in mind if/when I do revisions on this one.

Anyway, thanks again for the read and I hope all is well with you and yours.

Craig