Quoted from Dreamscale “90s” – “90’s”

Sorry to go off topic here. Are you sure about this, Jeff? I used to include the apostrophe up until recently before I was told to leave it out.

Grammatically, yes, it should contain the apostrophe.  Now, I have seen it omitted, and it's definitely not a big deal, but why not include it?

Col, you know me...I mean, I spell "a lot" as "alot", and "okay" as "OK"...why? Cause I like it that way and I truly believe that 1 day, these will be interchangeable.  NOTE - On Wikipedia, "OK" is now shown as an acceptable spelling!  YES!!!

Not sure why I noted this tiny correction.  Sorry Pete, I should have let that one slide by.

Yeah, I was curious as I always used to include the APOSTROPHE! (not comma as I mistakenly said) but not anymore. I have since updated most of my scripts with this change. Now I don't know what to believe. Is there an official source where this can be confirmed or denied?

Col,

I have noticed people use the apostrophe, but don't really understand why unless the designated decade owns something.

It's definitely '90s/90s.

Andrew

OK, I just found some interesting info on this debate.

Using an apostrophe in dates is actually the "old fashioned" way to do it, and it is now completely considered acceptable (and even preferable) to omit it.

So, Col, you were correct.  Andrew, you were too. Jeff, you were incorrect and you are old fashioned...and old!

Sorry about that...my old fashioned ways sometimes get the best of me.

Andrew

Yeah, man, my logic was the same, apostrophe denotes ownership, cheers for putting my mind to rest.

Jeff

No problem, Jeffrey, there is a first for everything...although I genuinely thought you being "incorrect" when it came to grammatical "correctness" would buck that trend. I'm just relieved I don't have to go changing stuff back again. Thanks gents.

And I wouldn't call you old fashioned, just "seasoned" is all ...which is a good thing.

I should probably read the script now since I hijacked the thread.

Pete

As promised since I pulled a terrorist manoeuvre on your thread (forgive the crass analogy) I gave this a read.

I won't go too much into the technical stuff in fear of repeating the ever perceptive and helpful Jeff, I'll just focus on your story with the odd note on the writing.

I reviewed as I read, listing my thoughts, reactions, etc as the script  unfolded. Sorry if the comments seem a bit disparate at times.

I liked the opening scene in the band hall both the prose and dialogue made me laugh, particularly your description of  Mr. Freet and his “lurching” forward to end the aural assault on his ears. Great names too.

Even though I already like Devon, its very un-cool for him to call the spliff. I don’t know, he seems like a guy who would know better, stoner’s etiquette and that. Then again, they both seems relatively inexperienced in the smoking department.  

“Preppy and precise, the only resemblance between"her and Devon is bone structure.”

-- Great description here, witty too.

Liking the “Chunky Chan” part. Love Bon’s cooler then cool response of “But fat, got it”

Overall, a great scene in the car, very funny, big fan of Bon.

“Please go change into something – less comfortable”

-- Good line

"He takes the last few steps, THE MUSIC growing louder with each one. Upon the final step the full version of THE MUSIC cancels out all other sound."

INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS

"Devon inches forward as Linda greets Gina"

-- No need for a scene change here, you already told us in the last slug line "INT. STAIRWAY/FOYER – CONTINUOUS" all we need to know.

The initial meeting of Devon and Gina is intentionally over dramatic, playing to the music with the dialogue going unheard and its fine, it works, not too original but entertaining nonetheless. What I liked most about it was his feeble “How was your drive” when they had moved into the next room. A pale comparison to his swagger and confidence before Gina entered the house, that was a great touch.

Unfortunately, your prose in general needs to be improved, tightened, more focused. Your descriptive of what we are supposed to be seeing is needlessly confusing at times. Work on simplifying it, cutting it down to what we need to know not what you want to tell us or what you think will sound cool. Be practical about it...a problem we all struggle with when it comes to screenwriting, even if its your first script or twentieth, its something we have to be constantly aware of.

“Now within a few feet of the trio, he stops and stares with - Anticipation? Fear? Constipation? Who knows.”

-- While I do enjoy these occasional quips in the prose they should be kept to a minimum. Brevity is paramount. I mean, its good to embellish your writing, give it an identity an all but look to incorporating that more in your dialogue, the action has to be handled as something more functional.

DEVON
Yeah.

"Devon’s grin is a mile wide as he stares at Gina. THE MUSIC fades in."

DEVON (CONT'D)
(softly to himself)
Yeah.

I like how you repeated the line here. Its these little nuances that elevate dialogue from good to something more special, more authentic, which I see numerous times throughout the piece. Whatever shortcomings you may have in the prose department you definitely make up for it in the dialogue, very fresh, realistic and funny.

“Jazz cigarette”

-- Never heard that expression before, I like it. Permission to use and pass off as my own, sir.

GRANDPA
"High, love sick, pretty much the same thing."

-- Another quality line, well done.

The ending was possibly a bit of a letdown, I’m kind of in two minds about it. The whole revelation of Gina drinking from the furry cup was ok.  I saw it coming when seeing how calm she reacted to his singing. I figured something was definitely up then, its nothing too original but what is anymore. It's interesting how its offhandedly implied that maybe Darcy is potentially a carpet muncher too (again, forgive the terms, its to tempting plus I think they go in tandem with the piece) However, I did like the pep talk she gave Devon, it read well and came off as believable. She has a few years on him, so it was cool to see the older female dispensing some advice to the love struck mid teen. It could have easily fallen into the ever present corny pitfalls but, for me, I think you avoided them, it worked so well done on that.

Overall, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy this script. The 23 (not 25 as anticipated) went by very quickly which is testament to your clever dialogue rather than the (more often then not) awkward prose. You certainly have a ear for conversation, some great lines in there, you just need to work on the other stuff which is all part of learning the craft. I’m of the belief that teaching dialogue is a lot harder then the descriptive part as its something which should come naturally from our own experiences and what we absorb in everyday life. I imagine it must be difficult to instil that in someone if they can't pick it up naturally. Although, I'm sure dialogue coaches the world over could argue with me on that point. Your prose on the other hand, with work of course, can be taught, learned and employed into your own work. That's what you need to improve on, in my opinion.

If the OWC parameters allowed a 23 page entry this coulda' been up there among the best. Of course, we’ll never know this, which is a pity, you done some decent work here, man.

Col.

Hey Pete!

Good story, great title.

Thanks for sharing your expanded August OWC with us. (Hey, at least you finished it.) You have enough feedback to do a rewrite if you desire. Your fascination with wrylies  was obvious on page 1:

"Devon responds with a wry glance in his direction."  

When I saw Chunky Chan, I thought of Charlie Chan so the twist of Jackie Chan was even funnier. Good one.

Looking foward to working with you on Thief.

Gary

Quoted from NJDevil I'd like to get your opinion on mine, but it's much, much longer than yours so no worries if you don't.

You're referring to the script in your sig, Senior Year?

Quoted from Dreamscale Over all, I actually kind of liked this.  I think that’s due to your well defined and likable characters.  As someone else also said, that’s hard to do.  Kudos on that.  I’m impressed.  They also played out pretty realistically, which I always appreciate.  Wasn’t a single character I didn’t like or believe.

Thank you very much.  

Quoted Text Story is also quite good. Sure, it’s simple as shit, but who cares?  It works.  It’s about twice as long as it should be…or needs to be, but that’s an easy fix.  The foundation is here, it’s solid, and all you need to do is just chop 12-14 pages out of it.  Should be pretty simple to see where they are.

I'm in the process of tightening this up right now (I lost a page just from removing the unnecessary "wrylies"). My goal is to trim at least 5 pages in the next draft.

Quoted Text Good job though, here, Pete!  Really wish you would have entered this on time and at 12 pages.  It’s a great start, and it’s a lot easier to take stuff out, than come up with new stuff.  CUT CUT, SNIP SNIP, SLASH SLASH!

This was the only decent concept that I had thought of that week and I realized too late that I didn't know how to make it all fit into 12 pages. Now that I've written the version that was in my head, I can go back and cut out the fat.

Quoted Text …probably due to the word “moreso”, which isn’t actually a word…it’s “more so”.

Damn, I've been making that mistake for a long time. Bad habit, I picked it up on the streets.

Quoted Text Same with the next sentence…I don’t know about parked cars “peppering” a lot.

Perhaps there is a better way to put that.

Quoted Text You need to give at least an age for Mr. Freet.

I don't think so. He's a minor character, in only one scene. Unlike all the others, his age is not important to his identity. The character could be played by an actor 35 to 65, it wouldn't really matter too much - at least as I see him. That's not true with Devon for example - it wouldn't make sense for him to be played by a 45 year old.

Quoted Text “passed” – “passes”

Thanks.

Quoted Text I’m confused…are they smoking a J or just a rolled cig?

Looking back, I see how this is unclear. I intended to imply that Devon assumed it was a joint, but found that is was only a self-rolled cigarette. I doubt that scene will be in the next draft at all.  

Quoted Text Page 5 – Not a big fan of the slacky “INT./EXT.” Slug heading...

And it's totally unnecessary in this scene anyway, I changed it, thanks.

Quoted Text “90s” – “90’s”

This issue was already cleared up before I had the chance to respond. What they said.

Quoted Text What “MUSIC” is growing louder with each step?  You never mentioned this starting up.

Are you familiar with this OWC? All the scripts had to incorporate a particular melody. On the first page I refer to this as THE MUSIC. to the

Quoted Text This whole silent dialogue stuff has a name…there is a screenwriting name for it...

I would like to know.

Quoted Text Page 13 – “…our Mom…” – doesn’t sound real…should be “my Mom”

I disagree. She had just been talking about her brothers, so in the context of her conversation, as a group of siblings, she was referring to her mother as "our Mom".

Quoted Text Page 14 – You need to spell out numbers.

You're right.

Quoted Text ...this dinner scene just went on way too long. I see what you’re after here and in a way it’s semi-effective, but it’s just too LONG...

That was a tough scene. I knew I needed to give some character information, but wanted to get to it through dialogue, organically. I know it's too long, but I had trouble getting that information across without it feeling contrived. I will try to tighten it up.

Quoted Text Page 18 – the lyrics...I’m trying to make these work but can’t quite.

I read a handful of the scripts for this OWC after a had finished MUSED, and found it difficult to "hear" the lyrics in all of them. As simple as my lyrics are, I really labored to make them fit the melody.

Quoted Text ...although I said it was too long, the end was too short.  Have him sing the song again as we fade out..

I kind of like the simplicity of ending it with a few strums of the guitar.

Thanks for the valuable criticism, suggestions and compliments, Dreamscale.

~Pete

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I should probably read the script now since I hijacked the thread.

And thank you!

Quoted Text I liked the opening scene in the band hall both the prose and dialogue made me laugh, particularly your description of  Mr. Freet and his “lurching” forward to end the aural assault on his ears. Great names too.

Thanks! I have to find a good name!

Quoted Text Overall, a great scene in the car, very funny, big fan of Bon.

I'm working on keeping some version of the scene in the script. Thanks. ;

Quoted Text “Jazz cigarette” -- Never heard that expression before, I like it. Permission to use and pass off as my own, sir.

It's been around for decades I believe, but it's a fairly new term for me also. Use it as you please.

Thanks a lot for the read and review, I wish I had the time to address all the great points and comments you made. I'll will give you a return read as soon as possible.

~Pete

Quoted from grademan ...Good story, great title...You have enough feedback to do a rewrite if you desire...

Thanks! And thanks to all who posted, I got some valuable feedback.

Quoted Text Looking foward to working with you on Thief...

Likewise. I wonder how much damage I can do?