SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 22nd, 2017, 5:01pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Who Wrote What

The Writer's Choice



The breakdown has been posted

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  510 Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    510  (currently 4954 views)
Don
Posted: March 7th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11592
Posts Per Day
1.89
510 by Quentin Bangston - Short - Meet Mike. You'll learn to love him.  5 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
albinopenguin
Posted: March 8th, 2010, 1:25am Report to Moderator
Green


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
791
Posts Per Day
0.24
hey Quentin,

so i thought this one was alright. here's a few things i would fix:

-write a better logline

-stop with the all caps and underlined descriptions. we get it.

-i would give joe a larger role since he's right next to mike. what is he doing during this entire dialogue?

-follow the rule of threes. i would have him do 3 annoying things. as of now he eats garlic and plays invisible instruments and thats it. i would add one more thing.

-come up with a better ending. the payoff wasnt worth the read. i would strongly consider either coming up with something more clever or scrapping it all together. i was intrigued by this piece, and i really liked Mike, but the ending just didnt do it for me. i was really disappointed. great build up, lackluster punch.

-if mike and the female both worked at the mayo clinic and they both ride the same bus, wouldnt they have run into each other before?

-i would considering naming the female just so it's easier to follow

overall i thought this was well written and interesting. i would just make some revisions and come up with a better ending


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
bangston_15
Posted: March 8th, 2010, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
Red


Location
My Computer
Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
Haha...the logline...I was running out the door to do some quick errands and that was all I could think of lol. It's crap. I know.

The only reason I didn't name the female is because...she's not a main character..well she is...but she doesn't have a speaking part, and I plan on writing more of these and I don't plan on her talking in any of them, so I didn't want her to have a name.

Have you ever read "Our Town"? Characters are given names, but there is no set because Thornton Wilder wanted the town to feel like it could be anywhere. I felt like we all meet annoying or strange people on the bus, and it takes away from making it fee like it could happen to anyone by giving the female a name (even though I have one in mind).

Thanks for the comments! I will take them into consideration when writing more of these.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
Dhruv
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 9:27am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
1
Posts Per Day
0.01
I want to download this how can I
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 9:48am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11592
Posts Per Day
1.89

Quoted from Dhruv
I want to download this how can I


You click on the title of the script.  It is in pdf format.

- Don


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
Jo
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Quentin,

This was an interesting story. I thought Mike was curiously annoying in a charismatic way, and I liked how the setting was in a bus so that the female couldn't really 'escape'.

There are some things I think that need to be developed. I found the character name 'Female' a little weird. I think it may be better to use 'Woman', 'Girl' etc. I'm also confused as to why the woman didn't say anything back or move to another seat. I feel like if a stranger was being rude/invading someone's space, the other person would react. She felt a little too passive imo.

And just like albinopenguin mentioned, I feel like the woman would have already seen Mike if they worked in the same place.

Other than that, I thought it was an entertaining read.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
Warren
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
967
Posts Per Day
1.80
Hi Quentin,

I did not learn to love Mike or the script unfortunately. His character is so over the top, it's just too much and then there is no real payoff at the end.

I agree giving Female a name would make it a somewhat easier read.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006