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so i thought this one was alright. here's a few things i would fix:
-write a better logline
-stop with the all caps and underlined descriptions. we get it.
-i would give joe a larger role since he's right next to mike. what is he doing during this entire dialogue?
-follow the rule of threes. i would have him do 3 annoying things. as of now he eats garlic and plays invisible instruments and thats it. i would add one more thing.
-come up with a better ending. the payoff wasnt worth the read. i would strongly consider either coming up with something more clever or scrapping it all together. i was intrigued by this piece, and i really liked Mike, but the ending just didnt do it for me. i was really disappointed. great build up, lackluster punch.
-if mike and the female both worked at the mayo clinic and they both ride the same bus, wouldnt they have run into each other before?
-i would considering naming the female just so it's easier to follow
overall i thought this was well written and interesting. i would just make some revisions and come up with a better ending
Haha...the logline...I was running out the door to do some quick errands and that was all I could think of lol. It's crap. I know.
The only reason I didn't name the female is because...she's not a main character..well she is...but she doesn't have a speaking part, and I plan on writing more of these and I don't plan on her talking in any of them, so I didn't want her to have a name.
Have you ever read "Our Town"? Characters are given names, but there is no set because Thornton Wilder wanted the town to feel like it could be anywhere. I felt like we all meet annoying or strange people on the bus, and it takes away from making it fee like it could happen to anyone by giving the female a name (even though I have one in mind).
Thanks for the comments! I will take them into consideration when writing more of these.
This was an interesting story. I thought Mike was curiously annoying in a charismatic way, and I liked how the setting was in a bus so that the female couldn't really 'escape'.
There are some things I think that need to be developed. I found the character name 'Female' a little weird. I think it may be better to use 'Woman', 'Girl' etc. I'm also confused as to why the woman didn't say anything back or move to another seat. I feel like if a stranger was being rude/invading someone's space, the other person would react. She felt a little too passive imo.
And just like albinopenguin mentioned, I feel like the woman would have already seen Mike if they worked in the same place.
Other than that, I thought it was an entertaining read.