Thou Shalt Not Cheat by Graham Murray - Short - Would YOU accept a challenge from your Maker? 9 pages - pdf, format

While I thought this was a cute story, there were several problems with it.

For starters, it's just too damn long.  You're very heavy-handed when it comes to both your descriptions of things and dialog.  You can probably cut the page count in half without affecting the story.

The doctor and God sounded exactly alike.  At first, I thought it was intentional, but I changed my mind.  You just write very on-the-nose dialog. You need to correct this.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks for the read doggllebe - I shall bear your suggestions in mind.

Graham

Interesting read. Visuals good. dialogue could be better. God ask Sven to tell HIM what he was thinking about. Doesn't GOD already know.

Quoted from keypecker Doesn't GOD already know.

Maybe he just wants to enjoy conversation.  If he really knows everything, he wouldn't be visiting the doctor at all.


Phil

God was just being nice.  It would be hard to have a conversation with the Almighty if he didn't use his powers in front of you.  God had to talk like a regular person.

The descriptions were a bit much.  I think you can cut them down a lot and make the script more easily readable.

"Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."

                                Metatron - Dogma

Quoted from keypecker Interesting read. Visuals good. dialogue could be better. God ask Sven to tell HIM what he was thinking about. Doesn't GOD already know.

Thanks keypecker

No, God would not necessarily know what Sven was thinking, depending upon your beliefs. God created us with free will and therefore private thoughts.

Of course, this shoots the theory of private prayer to #%$#$@ doesn't it?

Graham

Anyway, just BELIEVE he doesn't

Quoted from dogglebe Maybe he just wants to enjoy conversation.  If he really knows everything, he wouldn't be visiting the doctor at all. Phil

Phil - precisely so. God is merely intrigued by what this "smart monkey" is up to, and decides to to teach him a lesson, as it were, knowing that He has already won the 'contest'. Sven's arrogance blinds him to this.

Would God allow Himself to be outsmarted by a mere human?

Quoted from dogglebe "Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."                                 Metatron - Dogma

I wonder dogglebe, how anybody knows this?

"They" say that drowning is not an unpleasant death.

Who did they ask?

Quoted from TheRichcraft God was just being nice.  It would be hard to have a conversation with the Almighty if he didn't use his powers in front of you.  God had to talk like a regular person. The descriptions were a bit much.  I think you can cut them down a lot and make the script more easily readable.

Thanks RC - which description in particular were you referring to?

If you let me know, I can revise them on my original for later use.

Cheers

Graham

This wasn't for me. Even though it was an interesting look at God versus science.

My problem was god was not impressive. In dialogue especially. He was an equal to Sven. It's very difficult writing someone more intelligent than yourself, so to write God? I admire the challenge, but you failed IMO.

The only thing God did this entire time to put Sven in his place was create a bird out of soil.

Then of course the ending. This could be good IMO if God slowly wears him down through dialogue. Sven realizing he is no match. Other then that, God is just a magician. He was not more intelligent IMO.

This needs work. Good luck writing God, I've got no advice on that other then he'd better be damn impressive for it to be belivable.

James

Thanks for the read jwent - much appreciated

Quoted from gmurray "They" say that drowning is not an unpleasant death. Who did they ask?

My victims....


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe My victims.... Phil

Ha-ha! Of course, the next obvious question is: "Well, is it?"

I've said too much.


Phil

The descriptions cut me off. there is def room for you to cut it out. too many details.

I think the descriptions of the laboratory were a bit much.  Maybe if the dialogue took place in a regular office, it would make an easier read.  A quick brief description of a lab could be used instead.  It just seems very cluttered right now.

I agree with just about everyone who's saying your descriptions are too long. For instance, there are part in which you describe a character's expression with two or three adjectives. Find one that is the clearest and go with it.

Otherwise, I thought it was a very fun read and an engaging premise. I'd recommend giving God some sort of unique voice though. Right now the dialogue feels a little clinical.

Quoted from tgood Right now the dialogue feels a little clinical.

I wondered who you pictured in your own mind when writing these characters - was Sven you? Or were you the other guy? (Are we allowed to say things like 'lol' here??? I suspect not...).
This was saved by the ending, and I think it needed saving - like the lab, it felt sterile: cleverly crafted, maybe, but somehow wholly lacking of the deep-felt humility that some of your other work has.
I don't think you descriptions were necessarily long, they just lacked some warmth or equivalent that could draw us in and engage us.
There were some odd little mistakes here and there as well -
p4. (cont'd) missed
p6. (cont'd) put as (con/d)
p7. last two lines, I flet that you were thinking for the audience.
It added up to a lighter more disposable feel to the script - more careless.

I don't agree with other post about the pace of the end - the timing is bang on, and in my flawed opinion, very clever.

Simon

Quoted from dogglebe I've said too much. Phil

I just looked out the window to see if there was a blue moon. With a pig flying over it.

I like socks. They keep me feet warm and stop chaffing. I don't like chuffing chaffing. It's an utter barstard.

So. I usually agree with Da Sock. As he usually points out what needs it. He's like that.

However, like all of us, he isn't perfect. But then again, he tends to admit it. A good trait. Of good character.

Now. This isn't about Da Sock. It's about this script. But dat bit seemed relevant enuff z nuff to share.

Thing is, this script is kinda dense. And I mean dat in da good way.

Lots of info. Lotsa direction. Lots of stuff to take in.

As you may have noted I space stuff out.

I'll be leaving lotsa da white stuff blank.

Why do you do that Ren? Well, it's because the fellas who paid me in da past said thats how they wanted it. "Stop stuffing it altogether lad, space the fecker out. Ya fecking eejit." They didn't all say that. Just some of them. Nuff said on that.

Gormenghast. Saw that. Read it too. Alf Garnett has changed, hasn't he? Auld Warren was very different in that. It was fascinating to watch. Kinda lost its way on telly but, I enjoyed it. Been a while since I saw. I may dig it out and have another look. Thank you for that.

Reading this I see a talent at work. I have no idea who you are but there seems to be some skill here. I suspect that you will improve soon. If you stick around these boards I would hazard a guess you definitely will.

Other folks have pointed out some relevant stuff here. I won't be repeating it as that would be dull for everyone.

I will say this: I'll be watching for your posts and your writing to appear. I'll comment on the ones I like. I'd be a great believer in what my mother taught me "If you can't say anything nice say nothing." I do wish I could keep to that advice. Alcohol can ruin good men. Sometimes.

Keep cooking kid,

Peace n love and all that stuff. Not enuff about these days it seems.

R x