Blood and Dust by Ryan Lee, Cameron Mitchell, James Williams (Ryan1, Cam17, jwent668 - Short, Horror - When a vengeful gypsy summons his unearthly powers, the tiny wild west town of Bannon, Arizona is in for one hell of a night.  A SimplyScripts collaborative screenplay.  14 pages. - pdf, format

Where have I read this before?   ;

You did a wonderful job cleaning this up and bringing Zanter back.

I read this fast because I knew it already, but I did spot this:

>The three of them run down Main Street.

The slug already lets us know we're on Main street.

Just write:

The three run, guns blazing.

You don't need "down".

** If I slowed down, I could probably still find more of this kind of thing.

I have a question regarding the formatting. Is there a reason you have it all leftward?

Cool that I used the word, leftward. I can guarantee you it's the first time I've ever used it. I had to look it up to make sure it was real.  

So yes!!! You get...

A big thumbs up from me on this one!!!

Sandra

Sandra,

Thanks for the read.  Yeah, the formatting is a bit off in this one because my Final Draft wouldn't let me paste in the pages from the thread.  I had to paste it in Word and re-format it.

Good catch on that one line.  Always looking for a way to cut down on wordage.  Glad you liked it.

Quoted from Ryan1 Sandra, Thanks for the read.  Yeah, the formatting is a bit off in this one because my Final Draft wouldn't let me paste in the pages from the thread.  I had to paste it in Word and re-format it. Good catch on that one line.  Always looking for a way to cut down on wordage.  Glad you liked it.

You're an Ace, Ryan. I see it and admire it.

Glad to be with you. Proud to be with you!!!

Sandra

I find it funny that Zanter can animate dozens of zombies with ease, but he can only heal a little boy with repeated doses of a medicine.

Cute and gory little horror story.  Nice to see a unique cross between Gunsmoke and Night of the Living Dead.  Very original.  Bravo.

Quoted from TheRichcraft I find it funny that Zanter can animate dozens of zombies with ease, but he can only heal a little boy with repeated doses of a medicine.

Well, that's the mystery of gypsy magic for ya.

Gunsmoke meets Night of the Living Dead.  You just gave us the perfect logline.  Thanks.  And thanks for the review.

Ryan

Ramshackle horse town?  you mean a One horse town?

...and that was about the only gripe I could come up with.  Pretty entertaining stuff, nice and gory.
I'm sure y'all already thought about it, but since the reward was for Jesse 'dead or alive' couldn't you have him get infected, then still turned over to the marshalls for the reward? maybe he gets bitten right before the second dust, so he turns after everyone else is dead?  Course you would have to make the sheriff more of the main character, but the whole badass stranger deal doesn't really do all that much in such a short story.
Just a thought.

Good job yall though

Good catch on the one-horse town.  Looks like I forgot to include a word there.  The way the story played out, there was no one particular hero, just the Sheriff and Outlaw who have to work together to save their arses.  Then they go their seperate ways.  Thanks for your suggestion, though.

Ryan

Yea, I know what you mean, just if there is no planned sequel/expansion then having all the characters just continue on with their lives separate seems a little unfinished.  

I just have the image of the sheriff turning up at the marshalls office with jesse, holding the poster that says dead or alive, then the marshalls look up and jesses got old school handcuffs, and the empty vacant face of a zombie.  Just as a final punch at the end of the script.

As I said I liked it, impressive three people managed to work together and get that out.  Take care.

Zombies!  Zombies!  Zombies!  Everybody wants to write about zombies... okay fair enough.  Ain't too many people jumping up and down to read this one and they should be with some of the recent lackluster shorts,  so I thought I'd put some life back into this one.

So this is what we got here...

The 1968 classic, "Night Of The Living Dead," transported back in time to 1868 with the collaborative efforts spin on things.  Is this it?  I remember when I first seen that movie, scared me shitless.  Now when I see it, I just roll my eyes, laugh.  Nothing but cheesy fun.

Spoilers!!!

So we have this "Mystic Healer" who rides into town to help a sick little boy.  Reminds me of a song by Tanya Tucker;   "Lizzie And the Rainman."  You came riding in on the sunrise on a hot west Texas day, with a fancy man in a painted wagon with some fancy things to say.  Looks like you folks need some water, well water is my game and for the small price of $100.00, I bet you I could make it rain."   I love that woman and her music.  Seen her three times in concert.

But In this case it was like $3.00.  The Sheriff say's hell no and kicks Zanter out of town.  So he rides off, heads out to the cemetery, pulls out some "Pixie Dust."  Well, that's what I'll call it.  Conjure up all these dead people and they reek havoc on this one-horse-town.  Do I have this right???  The blood and gore starts and the bullets fly.  Eventually, "the" three escape the saloon, lock themselves up inside the jail like caged animals.  Down to their last bullets, when Zanter re-appears and will make it all go away, if they just pay the man.  Does this sum things up?  Okay, fair enough.

Overall...

I tend to stay away from scripts dealing with zombies.  I hate them... and equally hated them in this one too.

But...  I liked it for these reasons...

1) It's nice to read a script that's almost error free.

2), I like George A. Romero as a director.  He's done mostly good work in his career.

3), I love a good western, unfortunately, it's not a very popular genre around here.

4), when it comes to horror, I prefer blood, guts, and gore.  And this had a lot of that going on.  Very visual too.  Some very good dialogue as well.  I try not to read too much into shorts... because that's exactly what they are, the start of something bigger.  This could definitely be expanding into a feature for sure.

So for the collaborative effort here... I have to admit, I did enjoy this, so my hats off to you.

Ghostwriter

Ghost,

Thanks for the read.  Any and all are appreciated.  I think the wheels have just about fallen off the zombie bandwagon, and we wanted to get our two cents in before that ride comes to a complete stop.  It's hard to get scares out of zombies now, because the genre has been so done to death in recent years it's almost like self-parody.  Also, very hard to write good dialogue for zombies.   "Brains."  "Glahrr."  Etc.   Try table reading that.

So, we approached this with a sense of humor.  Glad you enjoyed it.  As for expanding it to a feature, sure.  The western/zombie genre is alive and well, as evidenced by the box office triumph of Jonah Hex.  Or maybe not.  

Thanks again

Ryan

I'm giving this a shameless bump since its the script of the day.

James

Of all the collaborations I've read on the site, this one's the most consistent.
It's a pretty effective mash up, but the premise failed for me.
A gypsy healer condemns an entire town for three bucks?
Every gypsy curse I've seen or read is always announced.
They want the offending party to know and suffer for what they did.
It's not much of a curse if no one in town knows why it's happening.
The mother even tried to pay him, so it's the Sheriff's doing.
I don't see why Jesse had to be an outlaw stranger passing through.
It doesn't add anything to the plot as far as I can tell.
I like the guy sleeping on his wife's grave, nice bit of business there.

This would have had a much more personal feel if the boy's father declined to pay.
Mom's about to pay the gypsy and angry farmer dad comes in and blocks the deal.
Angry dad injures the gypsy and throws him out of town. Bam. Curse.
The Sheriff tries to play the fair card but the father isn't having it.
And the father suffers as he watches his family zombified, etc.
Now that's a revenge tale I can get behind.
Then the Sheriff is your main gun and the father has to face the music.

The action set pieces are very compelling. Some real fine work.
However, they are undermined by an completely unconvincing set up.

With some tweaking and some real gypsy hocus pocus, this could seriously rawk.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing and rewriting!
I'm glad this got a script of the day nod.

Regards,
E.D.

Brett,

Thanks for the read. Ryan handles the comments on this one. He'll get back to you. You have some points. Cameron is barely here anymore. Shame. He had some writing chops. I'm gonna Email him about this OWC.

James

Well, I'm a big fan of westerns. It's a shame more aren't made. I liked this one. The old west and Zombies are a great combination. I think the script was well written, the characters had cool names, the concept of the story was neat, and the dialogue was good. I enjoyed it.

I liked this as well and agree with the points made.

I'll add that the ending felt flat. Great characters and good set up, but not a very satisfying ending. You don't follow the established rules of the western genre, in that the good guy (outlaw) and the bad guy (gypsy) don't duel it out. The antagonist isn't punished. I understand that $3 is a lot of money, but there needs to be more.

Great dialogue and descriptions. Flowed well, so congrats on that.

You've got a great story it just needs a better ending.

I just noticed that this is a pretty old script, but since it involves some regulars, I decided to read it and give you my two cents.

-Night time in Bannon Arizona, in 1868 would be very dark.  Without a full moon, torch light or oil lanterns, the side of the wagon wouldn't be visible.

-How does Zanter reach into the case and THEN open it?

     ELLEN
That's all I got, but it's yours.

-Expositional.  Simply show concern on her face as she reluctantly opens her coin purse, upends it and hands all of it's contents over to Zanter.

-I can't see all of these local people calling the Bartender, "Bartender".  In a small town like this, everyone should know everyone's name.

-If you remove, "He sees" and just state that, "Ellen rides past him on a Buckboard.  Billy lies in the back.", it will all fit on that page and read better.

-How does one, "sift at their shots"?  Should that be sip?  Is there a use of the word, sift, that I'm not aware of?

-"storm" not "storms"

-"surge" not "surges"

-"Outta ammo"?  I don't really like using words like, "outta" in action lines but it seems out of place.

-Fire escapes weren't really around in 1868.  Having them flee to a balcony would make more sense.

-"The dinner bell has been rung."  This line isn't necessary.

-I can't imagine anyone would willingly put their fingers in a zombie's mouth even if it the head wasn't attached to the body.

-There should be a (beat) before Jesse says, "Well...it's been a time, y'all."

-McClatchy Doesn't sound manly enough.  McClatchy makes me think of a bumbling fool.


Overall it was a decent story but nothing too original.

Jordan

Hey, guys.

Good use of combining horror and action genres. This short reminds me of "Dusk till Dawn" a bit. I like that you had multiple levels of conflict between Zanter and Sam, Sam and Jesse, and zombies and everyone. I thought the narrative was OK, there was a bit of telling the story, but I don't know if that was do to the restraints of it being a short and trying to get the point across as quick as possible. I would of liked if not only Zanter, but Sam and Jesse had a debt to pay or collect, or some variation of that theme. This was a nice read, though.


BLB

Hey,

I haven't read all the comments, so I apologize if any of this repeats.

First off, really good prose and dialogue. Technically well polished... an area I lack myself.

I did have few issues though.

One: I know three dollars is a lot back then, but I do feel for some one who helps sickly children, that he can't be a total bad-guy, I think Zanter needs a bigger reason to unleash Hell on earth more than the lost of a meager 3 bucks... I mean he can bring the dead to life, couldn't he just conjure up 3 bucks and be on his way.

Two: Jesse the main hero, he's too sleek. He has no real conflict to overcome. No flaws. Even the crime he's committed is supposedly justified... but don't we all have a little dirt under our nails.

Three: I had a hard time following characters... sorry, that could just be me... but I felt there were too many of them, but perhaps that's because this felt like a really long action sequence. Too much Zombie killing, not enough drama.

Okay that being said... I know nothing, other than my own gut reactions. And kudos on writing style. Its almost cooked but still needs something to leave us satisfied and full in the end.

Best,
Kev

Thanks for the reads Austin, Jordan, Blb, and Kev.

Cam is no longer on the boards, Ryan doesn't really respond to this, so I just wanted to say thanks.

This was purely writing for fun. Ryan wrote two pages, then Cam, then me. I think we went around the horn three times before we finished the script. We did it on the boards here over the course of a weekend, so it is a bit sloppy at points.

I agree with many of the points that were brought up. It was a writing exercise that we never planned to rewrite. We were just killing time on the weekend. It is a fun mash-up, though. Zombies in the old west. I think we could use a few more of those films...

Cheers, James