Had the same problem with this one as the last one I read. Too short. This one, particularly too short. I can see what you want to do with the ending but the whole plot is just so sparse that it barely has any meaning. You could argue that the plot is anything but sparse given that this guy's whole life flashes before his eyes but nothing stood out that was uniquely him.

I suppose the idea's okay. Your interpretation of near death didn't particularly grab me but the idea's fine just the same. I wouldn't recommend extending this too much. It's really too simple to exceed a handful of pages. But I felt like something was missing here.

Series of shots was interesting. From wedding backward. That's what threw me when Jake said only you and him, baby. I didn't see Jake remembering the baby.

Other thing was Arrisa saying Jesus Christ and Jesus in the context she did. I had to go back and make sure a guy wrote it because I think only a guy would write that. I'd think she'd be saying Jesus help him, maybe, cause in a crisis mode, real people come out. Most women can't stand it when guys say that stuff, so I can imagine they don't say it much themselves. So make her sympathetic and pull the Christ stuff. It cheapens Arrisa.

I didn't get a huge sense that Jake felt like he was that close to death afterwards. I say that because he had all those flashes, so I'd think he might either be numb at the reality of it and just stare at the guy helping him, at least for a bit, or he'd try to explain the power of what he saw. As it is it's like he fell off his bike and got picked up.

You don't need the continuous after series of shots.

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the reads and the feedback.

James:

"Had the same problem with this one as the last one I read. Too short. This one, particularly too short. I can see what you want to do with the ending but the whole plot is just so sparse that it barely has any meaning."

I think I would agree with you about the last one I wrote.  After getting some great feeback, it's clear to me that I probably could have pushed that one a little further.  With regard to this one though, I think I would disagree.  I'm not sure there is much more there, which is probably why I sat on it for a few months.  Could it be fattened up a bit?  Yeah, but I'm not sure that it would necessarily make it better.  

"It's really too simple to exceed a handful of pages."

Agreed.  I remember writing this awhile back just cause I felt like writing, but nothing really jumps out at me in the way of major overhauls or changes.  It is what it is.  

Clorox,

"That's what threw me when Jake said only you and him, baby. I didn't see Jake remembering the baby."

Yeah, this is one of the changes that I made that I now regret.  I had a falsh with the baby, but thought it would be confusing.  In retro, I probably should have kept it.

"Other thing was Arrisa saying Jesus Christ and Jesus in the context she did...It cheapens Arrisa."

Interesting take here, and to be honest, I hadn't even thought of it in that way, but now that you mention it, I think you may be right.  Arissa doesn't stirke me as a potty mouth, but at the same time, I guess I was going for the whole crises thing.  She could also have said worse, but your point is well taken.

"You don't need the continuous ..."

Duly noted.  

Thanks again for the tips and feedback, guys.  As always, much appreciated.

Craig

Hey Craig,

Hmm.  The idea and concept here are interesting, although not entirely original.  (That camera commercial where the president takes office, and they they show flashes back throughout his life and birth and back to where his parents met comes to mind.)

But I think it loses something at the end for me, especially when we're supposed to care about the main character and he ends up being a total douche and liar.  (Douche wasn't my first choice for a word.    ).  His son isn't even important enough to remember in his flashbacks, but he remembers being stoned and his first titty?

I guess that by the end, I felt disappointed and confused.

It was still an interesting idea, though.  I just think it still needs a couple major tweaks here and there, though.

-  Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read, man.  

"(That camera commercial where the president takes office, and they they show flashes back throughout his life and birth and back to where his parents met comes to mind.)"

Haha, you are the first person to mention it, but I've been waiting for someone to make that connection.  I actually wrote this sometime last year in the fall or winter and sat on it for a while.  I think it was before that commercial became so ubiquitous, but naturally I have no way of proving it.  Anyway, yeah I agree it does have a similar vibe.

"But I think it loses something at the end for me, especially when we're supposed to care about the main character and he ends up being a total douche and liar.  (Douche wasn't my first choice for a word.    ).  His son isn't even important enough to remember in his flashbacks, but he remembers being stoned and his first titty?"

Yeah, I get you on this.  As far as the baby, I originally had a shot of a baby being born in an operating room, but I was worried that people would confuse it with it being the main characters birth because of the reverse chronological order.  If I had kept that in, then the last line doesn't make him such a liar, and doesn't come off as a douche.  As far as his first titty, well, what can I say?  Haha.

I would agree that there is something missing here, but I'm not sure that I'll take another crack at it.  Sorry it didn't do that much for you, but it's one of those, "it is what it is things".

Anyway, thanks a bunch for the read and the comments.  Much appreciated.

Craig

I liked it, good exposition within  a short space of time.

"allows a shy laugh"? That read strangely.

Some times you'll be going back in time, and at others, forward. Sluglines would help.

How would we know it was his father at the baseball field? It would just look like a man, maybe the coach, to the audience.

"Chocking" you meant Choking.

"Part of the job" you didn't say he was wearing paramedic garment or anything. I don't get the statement.

"around my tits"? Is Jake obese? You didn't state that.

Arrisa asking Jake does he remember anything doesn't sound natural. It just sounded like she asked him just for Jake to say "only you and him" because he had already said that he doesn't know what happened. He was eating, then a guy was on his tits. That's all he remembered.

Your logline gives away the story. I knew he was dying from the beginning because you already said so, so the end was no surprise. This story needs a twist of some sort, in my opinion.

Craig

I sweet little short short you have here. I can't level too much criticism at it for such a brief piece, it is what it is, a life affirming message to those who live life too fast and take the important things for granted etc, we're all probably guilty of it to a certain extent. Oprah loves this kind of stuff

"A small, unimpressive, piece of food finally bursts forth
from Jake’s mouth and lands anticlimactically on the floor of
the restaurant."

These lines made me smile, I appreciated the inclusion of "unimpressive and "anticlimactically". Some would say they're redundant and unnecessary but for something that can possibly kill you, when it does come out its usually unimpressive and unspectacular, a non-descript blob of discoloured gunk. And when it hits the ground and you actually see what caused all the hassle, its like "Oh, is that all it was?" So without undermining the seriousness of such a scary situation, I'm all for putting in colourful, humorous adjectives like that to give the script some flavour and personality.

But man, if you’re gonna have a character do a quick recap on his life in the throes of a near death experience you gotta include at least one masturbation scene, I know it’s a big part of my existence anyway. I mean was this dude always scoring? He musta had some dark moments too with only his thrusty left hand for company.

Col.

Hey Guys,

As always, thanks for taking the time to give this one a read.  

After getting some generally positive reviews early on, this one has been hit or miss for most people since then.  Some people really seem to dislike the main character and fault him for not actually having thought just about his wife and kid, but that was kind of the point.  I think most people are kind of selfish, even if they are generally otherwise decent people.  Given any sort of introspection, I know that I would probably fall into that category, though some might argue that I’m not all that decent a person.  

I’ve no doubt that there are some improvements that can be made here and there, but I’ve always taken the POV with this one, that it is what it is.  It seems to work more for some than for others.

Marcus:

Glad you liked this one.  Yeah, it’s definitely a short, and I’m not sure that it would benefit by making it any longer.  Thanks for the read.

Jeanpierre:

“Some times you'll be going back in time, and at others, forward. Sluglines would help.”

I haven’t read through this one in a while, but I did yesterday after seeing your comments.  As far as going back and forth, that was part of the reason why I initially took out the bit with his son being born.  In addition to it being confusing about it possibly being him being born, the timeline didn’t fit.  I think the other issue may be with the hookup with the girl from high school.  I think I missed that one.  Thanks for pointing it out.

As far as the use of slugs, I think that would take away from the kind of flash concept I was going for.  Though I readily admit that it probably didn't translate as well from my mind to page.

“How would we know it was his father at the baseball field?”

I guess technically, the audience wouldn’t know it’s his father, but I think they might be able to make the connection if, out of a bunch of people in the stands, Jake fixates on person and then reacts the way he does.

“"Part of the job" you didn't say he was wearing paramedic garment or anything. I don't get the statement.”

The idea here was that the gentleman who helped to save Jake was a doctor, or at least someone who worked in the medical field and had some expertise in these situations.  Again, I was hoping that the audience would make the connection there.

“"around my tits"? Is Jake obese? You didn't state that.”

Ha.  No I don’t think he is obese.  Some others have taken issue with this line as well.  My thinking was that he would be kind of freaked out about what just happened and let his guard down by saying something a little off color, or something out of the ordinary.

“Your logline gives away the story. I knew he was dying from the beginning because you already said so, so the end was no surprise. This story needs a twist of some sort, in my opinion.”

Yeah, fair enough.  I see what you mean.  But, like I said, not sure that there is much more of a story or a twist in there.

Anyway, thanks again for the read and the comments, truly appreciated.

Col.:

Hey bud, thanks for the read.  Ha, maybe Oprah will have me on during her final season.  Yeah, probably not.  Suck it O.

“These lines made me smile, I appreciated the inclusion of "unimpressive and "anticlimactically". Some would say they're redundant and unnecessary but for something that can possibly kill you, when it does come out its usually unimpressive and unspectacular, a non-descript blob of discoloured gunk.”

Yeah, that was what I was hoping for.  Here this guy is having a meal with his wife and kid and the nest thing you know, his whole life is flashing before his eyes all because of a tiny piece of meat that may, or may not have been, well cooked.

“But man, if you’re gonna have a character do a quick recap on his life in the throes of a near death experience you gotta include at least one masturbation scene, I know it’s a big part of my existence anyway. I mean was this dude always scoring? He musta had some dark moments too with only his thrusty left hand for company.”

Hahaha.  Well, I kind of intimated with the porno mag, that that was his ultimate goal.

Speaking of which.  My GF just ran out to the market.  I got about 15 minutes to myself…

Anyway, thanks again to all for the reads.  Much appreciated.

CR

Quoted from Craiger6 Hahaha.  Well, I kind of intimated with the porno mag, that that was his ultimate goal.

Sh?t, you did, didn't you, apolologies. Implication is enough, consider my comment wholly retracted.

Jesus, I can't even remember a scene in a 3 page script, I'll put it down to Monday morning malaise.

This was pretty cool. Really enjoyed it. Pretty impressive for just 3 pages.

The life flashing before once eyes has been done, but I liked the spin you put to it, presenting events with a reversed chronology.

Just one suggestion. The initial montage could be cut down a bit I think. I would suggest focusing on one main aspect of his life (clearly it must be the wife, considering the ending) and make this aspect the connective tissue that holds the whole together.

For example, the scene where he looks at a spreadsheet... I would lose that one, since it has no apparent relationship to meeting the love of his life (and the ending).

Nevertheless, this is pretty solid. Good job.  

Thanks for the post, I chuckled at unimpressive and anticlimatically too!
Is it just me or does the last line make the guy sound like a jerkwad?

If that was the case, I thought a comeback from the wife would be better.
Something like, "Awww, that's sweet, now sign the divorce papers." LOL

Hey Guys,

Thanks for checking this one out.  Much appreciated.

Mr. Z.:

Glad you enjoyed it.  Thanks for the very interesting suggestion about just focusing on one part of Jake’s life.  Like around the time he first meets his wife.  I’ll certainly give it some thought.  Right now, I haven’t thought about tinkering around with this one too much, but I’ll certainly take your advice under advisement.  Thanks again for the read, and glad you liked it.

Electric:

“Is it just me or does the last line make the guy sound like a jerkwad?”

Yeah, that’s definitely one way of taking it.  Many have seemed to have had the same reaction that you did.  Me?  I choose to think that, yeah, he’s kind of telling her what she wants’ to hear, but that in the end, he’s not a bad guy.  After all, more often than not, we all want to hear what we want to hear.  You know?

Anyway, thank you both for the reads.  Much appreciated.

CR

I enjoyed the ending. From your log line, and the way that the montage played out, I thought that his death (or near death) was going to be some dramatic event; but, the fact that he was only choking on piece of food amused me. I also liked that he didn't tell his wife what he saw as his life flashed before his eyes.
I stayed interested and it was a nice, quick read.

Quoted from free2write I enjoyed the ending. From your log line, and the way that the montage played out, I thought that his death (or near death) was going to be some dramatic event; but, the fact that he was only choking on piece of food amused me. I also liked that he didn't tell his wife what he saw as his life flashed before his eyes. I stayed interested and it was a nice, quick read.

Hey Free,

Thanks for taking the time to read this one, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah, I kind of agree that I like that he didn't tell her everything that he thought of.  I think some people felt that made him come off as a jerk, but all along, my feeling is that we often tell white lies or half-truths to those we love, so I don't think he's that much of a jerk.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.  let me know if I can return the favor.

Craig