Peter

I see from other comments that people saw the ending coming, I must admit (this happens to me a lot though) that I was pleasantly surprised by it. I drew the most obvious conclusion that Big Petey was gonna whack him but never saw the surprise party coming at all. So at least you got one reader that was sucked in by this.

Pg 1 - You say that Tony (early fifties) is the oldest of the group yet the “Blade” is described as being in his mid fifties.

The writing could do with some trimming. Although I enjoyed reading the descriptions for the four characters at the table in the opening pages and their amusing nicknames, it was unnecessary. Especially in a script this short and the fact they only have a line or two each, besides Tony of course.

Pg 3 - Ok enough of the word “punk” already, diversify the name calling a bit. Gangsters always have a wide vocabulary in that area.

Pg 7 - When Tony goes to carry out the job, some of the prose was confusing as he seemed to move from location to location without any slugs or time lapses to say he had done so. In the space of a line he goes from the George Washington Bridge to some highway, then at the bottom of the page he turns off that highway into a “seedy part of town” with any indicative slug. I mean, I could follow it but it was all a little vague, I know reducing slugs frees up space but they are a good visual marker for the reader to get his bearings regards the geography of the scenes taking place. Louie’s warehouse should have gotten EXT. and INT. headings too when Tony pulls up outside and subsequently enters.

As it’s written, Tony goes from the George Washington Bridge to inadvertently wiping out his colleagues in a New Jersey warehouse without any scene headings in between.

Again, I see people complaining about the dialogue but I liked its low key nature and directness, nothing wrong with that. I think when people see gangsters on screen they expect them all to talk like Tommy Devito, bombastic, swearing, off the wall crazy motherfu?kers, going about the place threatening people and waving guns about without a care in the world. Tony however is a small time crook in his twilight years so that jumped up, macho image he perhaps played up in his younger days has worn thin with age and experience. Now he just want to be himself, do his job with little or no fuss if possible and try and get out alive. I found it lent a believability and normalcy to a type of profession that too often gets sensationalized/glamorised on screen.

I laughed at the warehouse scene, thought it was hilarious in the blackest of humour kind of way and like I said, I never saw it coming.

Anyway, I thought this was alright. Keep at it.

Col.

To all who have replied since May 30th,

I must confess that I haven't been a frequent flyer here in SS since May.  Actually, I couldn't believe my eyes when "Attrition" popped up as a recent post. I'm thankful to "pale yellow" for renewing the interest. Based on the reviews I've received and the interest in my script, I will make an extra effort to resume my participation in here.

Back to the script. My intentions were to portray an aging mobster attempting to retire, never quite knowing how Big Petey his boss would accept his request. I wanted to similarly inject a touch of mob humor, reference the "new basball bat" and irony, in the debacle that was supposed to be his surprise retirement party and in the final scene where Tony is reading a Travel Magazine in his jail cell.

Attrition was my third submission here in SS. The other two are SleepWalking and No Sweat. Admittedly, they are early submissions and I can see numerous mistakes when I reread them. I read lots of scropts since then and have written a few more shorts. Also, a feature length.

I'd like to thank all of you who took the time to review my scripts and commented, some in great detail. You've been very helpful. Also, to the other Newbies who welcomed me... thanx.

Peter