This was an interesting read.  Very original and something that makes you think a little.  My biggest complaint was that it was over-written.  Trim the fat on this and the script could be four pages long.

descriptions like:

Quoted Text The courthouse steps are accommodating a grandstand for a parade which is marching down the streets. From the MAN's perspective we see a marching band, floats, flags, old men on tractors, furry mascots tossing candy to the children, smiling teenage girls in lovely gowns waving to the jubilant crowd, who are all dressed in some form of yellow and white. Victory signs are scattered throughout the crowd, this is a very patriotic parade.

could be written:

Quoted Text Hundreds sit outside the courthouse on grandstand benches, cheering as a patriotic parade rolls by.  Marching bands and costumed mascots.  Beauty queens ride floats, towed by tractors, and wave to the crowds.  Yellow and white confetti (the same colors as everyone's attire) falls from the sky.

Without even trying, I trimmed a third off your description.

Another example regards the vile man.  You mention that he's missing two fingers.  Completely irrelevent!  I understand what you were trying to set up later on, but it's completely unnecessary.  It doesn't contribute anything later on.

Page two has a block of description that's eleven lines long.  Page four has one that's fourteen lines long.  If you need to describe this much detail, break it up into paragraphs.  Try to limit yourself to three lines at a time.

Chris, I saw the indigogo pitch and, frankly, I'm underwhelmed.  You're trying to raise money to produce a short and you don't even have a pitch video.  The pitch video is what draws people in to learn about your project.  And, instead of a video, you have a very amateurish sign.

The following is a comparison I made regarding good and a bad pitches for crowdfunding:

Quoted Text Here are examples of goos and bad crowdfunding campaigns (IMHO). The good one raised five times its goal with an incredible pitch video and some great rewards.  The video, itself, had me laughing out loud.  It was hysterical and professionally done The bad one hasn't raised any money yet.  There is no pitch video, and the rewards are pretty much non-existent.  Ironically, the money to be raised is for a comedy show; there is not one joke in the entire pitch.

Hope this helps.


Phil

I hear ya Phil, the Indiegogo is not my doing...  I wrote the presentation piece out for the Director, and she wasn't able to get it filmed the way she wanted, so she's re-doing it...  Thanks for the review thought, I appreciate it.  

The shooting script is significantly better than the one I posted here.  This was actually the first thing I ever wrote in screenplay format - if you want to call it that!  Thanks again.

CW