Read some other reviews and wanted to comment about the poster. I liked when Brett raised his eyebrow at the poster. It was sly, he put it in his jacket, it's a little secret and also has mystery. Is Bretta closet gay? Does he just like Bieber and it would be contrary to his cool to be caught liking Bieber? What ever the reason, it's a great scene and it has a great payoff that is actually part of this cool little story. The poster is a device that moves the story forward in every scene that it is in and it reveals Mark as well. It works on all levels and I would't change a thing.

JB, this is an outstanding example of great writing and I really appreciate and admire your talents.  Fantastic timing, structure, and character development are all on display here and I have learned a lot about setting up scenes and writing great dialogue from reading your work.  

Thank you for the lesson.  

High five.

Chris

Jon,

Totally understand where you're coming from in regards to expanding it.

I also think if your hearts not in it, there's no point.

Still, I think the concept is strong. It would need more meat on the bones...maybe take a leaf out of American Pie's book and go for a group of guys all trying to change....the guy who is the kill who wants to be the marry...the fuck who is really gay...and the marry who wants to be the fuck...whatever.

Comedy is the easiest way in (if you can write it of course). The studios love it, or so I'm led to believe...it's cheap to make, brings in money and doesn't necessarily need star names.

This just seems like one of those "no-brainer" type stories..get it right and there's very little reason why someone wouldn't fund it.

A fantastic read, never felt like 21 pages. I liked all the character introductions and it was a good pace, never lost interest.
The one thing that disappointed me was that Mark never got much to do, felt underused which is shame because I liked his sidekick character.
Brilliant work!

Steve

Jonny

This was an entertaining, fast paced read, showing your confidence as a writer, very polished and palatable to a wide audience. It had a very self assured, rhythmic feel to it, knowing exactly when to change gears and progress the story forward. I could easily see it on screen in feature format, this kind of teaming up of unlikely people to achieve a goal (usually sex related in teen movies) is seen time and time again and seems to work well with the cinema going public.

It also looked like something that, given a few alterations could be an episode in an number of TV shows; The Inbetweeners being the most obvious example, it has that kind of universal, painful, embarrassing, cringe inducing humour of growing up (and fu?king up but learning along the way) which pervades those shows.

Mark loving The Notebook and Brett loving Beiber was a humorous personality foible of both characters which begs a question or two I won’t go into here. These “quirks” were incorporated into the plot nicely and provided a good set up and pay off at the end regarding both.

I found Alyssa a bit one dimensional and just served, as per usual in these scenarios, as the coveted, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, all important “prize” (forgive the crude sexist terminology) of the piece. She appeared too functional and there to be lusted after and desired then an actual person, I mean she served her purpose but that’s it and like I said, this is the role these girls play in these type of stories. I would just love to see a more unpredictable, flawed female love interest every so often, you know, still I get this is only over 20 pages so you can’t develop them all.

In truth, this isn’t my kind of story or something I would write or particularly want to see but I can appreciate the skilful storytelling the wit and lightness you brought to it. Plus, most importantly your understanding of the genre and where to take it. Tone is vital when handling comedy of any sort (something I have major problem) and I thought you maintained and balanced it throughout very well.

It’s probably being said to you already and I touched on it above but this could easily be expanded to a very marketable feature length script as long as you stayed close to the hi-concept situation of the not-so-popular guy teaming up with  class lothario (with questionable interests of his own I would say) in order to “get the girl.” This would also give you more of an opportunity to flesh out those periphery characters.

Col.

This is a nicely written piece.  I like the concept overall.  

A couple of things I didn't like as much as the others who have posted:

A lot of it felt a little too familiar: the geek seeking out advice from the cool guy, the girl who likes the guy but he's not quite getting it, the painfully obvious bad advice from the cool guy.  But, hey, nothing's new any more.

I didn't really like the soft, Bieber-loving side of Brett.  It was nice that there was a comedic element to him, but it didn't work that well for me personally.

I did, however, love how you tied the beginning and end together with The Notebook scene.  That was my favorite part (I have not seen that movie, by the way, I promise).

This isn't really my thing, but clearly, based on the feedback here, you have great potential for a popular production.

Nice job and good luck!

Just read it and loved it! Thought all the characters played out great. Especially loved the ending and Brett's 'Hells yeah.'

Seen The Notebook and loved it, not so much Dear John, but loved how the movies were incorporated in the screenplay.

Would love to see this on screen, but without any cuts, IMO, it works the way it is at this lenght. I don't know how it work at 15 pages though.

It's good to read something that's light, easy, corectly formatted and funny.

Renee.