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Hey Everybody, Yes it's me Josh Bushman, I would of been on here sooner, but I just found out that my scripts were on this site yesterday. Also I had to get my password and well it was a pain in the ass to get it. To all of you that loved the script or had constructive things to say, I thank you kindly and will keep all of your idea's in my thoughts while I finish up my latest draft of Damn You Bruce!. To all the haters, well I don't want to waste as much time as they did bashing me, but then again this site is probably the only thing they got going for them. It's sad yes I know, but I guess I'll just take their low blows and keep on moving. Anyway just want to thank all of you that enjoyed Damn You Bruce!, soon I will be adding a couple more of my scripts and hope to hear from all of you again, yes even the haters. Cheers, Josh B.
Here are some of my scripts, check them out if you dare.
Honestly, I found this one funny. Josh, if you did this as a piss-take, I do find it amusing, in a rough way. Kudos. (That's not me hating, just an honest opinion. Liked it better on that level than the 3 Nazi's in a Fox hole script...taken in that same general vein.)
If meant in a more serious tone--or as a polished comedy--I'd say that you do want to tone down the dialogue- go for a more naturalistic, less dramatic feel. But if these are meant as slapstick, Mel Brooks goofy scripts...you're generally on target. Just need to work on the formatting and dialogue to polish 'em up.
Alright my formating is bad I know, I looked at some scripts for help with that. Soon $ex $ells a TV pilot I've been working on will be on this site soon. Hope to hear many comments about this one as well. Cheers, Josh B.
Here are some of my scripts, check them out if you dare.
Ok guy, don't fight....I'm not in the mood....really!
Joshua do spend some time at the site. Don't take things quite so personally. We have some unwritten policies about giving and receiving reviews. Most other sites require you to give reviews to get them. We make that optional. You were lucky and got some attention before you reviewed - most people aren't that lucky. And yes, some people are going to give you a bit of hard time here - but most people are just going to try and help.
As far as the comment in Phil's thread, it was deleted because it wasn't about the script. We have another unwritten policy here that posts in the script thread should be about the script (or the logline). Not about other people and not links to films you've made. If you want to promote the films you've made then embed them in that script's thread (not Phil's). If you have a particularly good film of a script you have posted here then let Don (Simply Scripts) Admin (Keeper of the Mugs) know about it.
Enjoy your time here - you can learn a lot. Or you could just fuck around like lots of other people do here. Remember, however, to follow the rules (written - see THE RULES - or unwritten).
I can't tell if this was a serious effort or done as a joke, but here goes some notes:
"Somehow Bruce's soul gets trapped inside the piece of pool equipment."
Discard this last bit, as you already show us that the blood from his head shot wound leaks toward the ground pool cleaner. "Show don't tell" as they say.
Also, after Bruce's soul is obviously transferred to the cleaner I think it would be best to just refer to him as the pool cleaner or whatever he's supposed to be. Take out: "Bruce hears every nasty thing Mendoza and Adams say about him" and just leave "the wheels to the automatic pool cleaner move slightly." Make him embody/become this inanimate object. Stephen King's short The Mangler comes to mind. Chilling story - you should give it a read. Same idea you have here.
Adams and Mendoza are Keystone Cops. Their whole scene and dialogue doesn't ring true to a crime scene. I believe you said they were detectives? These guys never should have passed the first step to becoming a police officer. I don't know if your intentions were to play this killer pool cleaner straight or not - but if not - I guess your incompetent cops can be excused. They are super unrealistic, incompetent, and the fact that they (and everyone else) speak like immature little kids constantly takes away from the story a great deal.
I suggest maybe watching some Law & Order episodes, cop dramas, for police lingo...or the library to read up on police procedure.
LOL I wasn't even referring to the logline with that comment. There's a scene where the killer offs himself and his blood spills toward the pool cleaner. Then the writer pretty much says: "Bruce's soul has transferred over now." I thought it was fine just showing us the blood leaking toward the equipment. No need to tell us that Bruce's soul has transferred -- since it's pretty obvious what happened as the story goes on.
I see that you've cut one of the kill scenes which is a shame but, I do love how Adams trips over Bruce the pool cleaner and runs back to attack him. This is a nice addition.
Otherwise, not much more to add – some funny stuff here but for all the wrong reasons.
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Damn You Bruce!
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