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The Polymath by Christopher West (the second) - Short, Action, Adventure - An odd note and a genius who is coming of age. Put them both in a strange Library and the adventure begins... 8 pages. - pdf, format
Thank you for posting this Don. I appreciate it. This is a snippet of a feature I have rolling around in my head, so i wanted to get a bit of it out on paper and get some feedback as to its potential. Thanks!
Hi Chris - nice to read this; thought I'd give it a good & give some feedback.
Felt there were two areas to deal with here: 1. The story 2. The script.
Story: Sort of interesting - I think you have a very fertile imagination - you like to think in unusual ways, and suit these fantasy-type things that you like to do. I kind of liked the tone the story was taking, but I really didn't have a clear idea what the story was... I know it's part of a large feature idea, but maybe a flashback to condense a fill-in to give us an idea of what the story will be?
I was a little unsure of the tramps bit - it may have been referred back to in a bigger feature, but it looked a little superfluous in this short - if he was just showing us his skill then he could have done this maybe on the bus, so giving you a bit more room to do other things.
I sort of liked the kid, but found it a little difficult to identify with him - he really knew what was going on more than I did, so he was a little bit too ahead of me - I reckon either make him a little less clued up, or clue the reader up a little bit more.
Nice atmosphere created though, and well paced.
The script POV on a youthful pair of hands - I think POV has to be someone's POV; this could be just 'A youthful...'
INSERT: - My understanding is BACK TO SCENE is required.
We follow CALVIN WATT, (14) not big, not small, just right, as he shoulders a unique backpack and heads for the door. - so the 'we' is frowned upon; what is 'just right'?; and what's unique about the backpack?
A plume of heated exhaust pushes Calvin down the sidewalk - just not sure what this means.
AL I believe my associate axed you a... - I know it's an easy mistake, they sound so similar. (shame on you...).
Taking a knee, Calvin props the bag on his other knee - Again, I guess I know what you mean, but visually it's a bit perplexing.
Naked to the world, the men are stunned by this kid’s wisdom. Jules drops the whiskey bottle in a SMASH of glass. - Not too sure it was drop-the-glass stunning, but if it was, maybe just drop the glass.
Overgrown weeds with an accent of trash help make the exterior facade of the Library the dull, drab place it is. - I'm not convinced that you're adding anything to this that isn't clear in: A Library: dull, drab.
INSERT - Library Hours Sign. Every day reads CLOSED in an ugly font except Tuesday, which reads 6:43 pm to 7:09 pm. - My understanding is that an insert is simply what you see, and then do BACK TO SCENE.
Silence, just as a library should be. There’s not much to the place, a few rows of shelves house a sparse book collection, a few ugly tables are home to even uglier broken chairs. -Shouldn't this be: Silence. Rows of shelves house a sparse book collection; broken chairs sit under battered tables. - Ugly is opinion, and not great visually.
So that's about it really - liked some of the story ideas here, but would have liked a better idea of what the story was.
Simon, thank you sir for the review. I do appreciate it. No doubt the lack of any back story, or purpose for that matter, will leave a few scratching their heads, and I do apologize for that.
This is a story that has been in my mind for years now, and one day I just decided to sit down and write a bit of it out and that's what you see here. I only spent an hour on it, so its really just an initial sketch.
You're correct in my needing to tighten up the writing, I am guilty as hell of writing out the 'unfilmables' and have had more than one director correct me on that.! Whoops!
The homeless guy scene will actually play a much larger part as Jules (Julius Cesaer), Al (Alexander the Great), and Leon (Napoleon), play the role of Library guardians, and will come to the aid of Calvin for a fierce battle later...
The greater point of the story is, what if there were a Library where you can open the book and be transported directly into the pages.
I think there is a section on the boards for 'developing' scripts and story's and what not, and this script would probably be best served there. Thanks again dude! Let me know if you've got anything else on here you want me to take a look at.
I think with this being a little piece of a bigger pie, it made it difficult to follow. I don't think it is fair to judge this until I've read the whole thing if I'm honest. This felt more like a prologue or teaser for something bigger so I couldn't follow the story that well.
The writing was good overall, some descriptions could be tightened or cut entirely IMO. Again without knowing where this is going it's difficult to judge but would enjoy reading the whole feature if you plan to post it.
You have a wicked imagination by the way. Would this feature be some kind of weird Harry Potter fantasy tale by any chance?
Good work! Even though I wasn't sure what was happening?
Steve, thanks for the read, I think you have a few scripts floating around here, so point me to any you're proud of and I'll be happy to return the favor.
I am with you 100% on tightening the descriptions. Its a bad habit I have from being a short story writer, then transitioning that style to screenplays, it just doesn't work!
I think something along the lines of the anti Harry Potter was what I had in mind. Try to show the world that science, philosophy, thinking and real problem solving will defeat the enemy, no magic necessary. A polymath is a person who is a genius not only in one field, but in any field they apply themselves in. In reality, these people do exist - ala Mrs. Somerville - and they have given us some of the greatest gifts ever, unlike our friend Mr. Potter.
Although I take nothing away from Ms. Rowling as her imagination is one that exceeds most of us here on the planet...
Thanks again, and let me know what I can read for you.
Actually mate, I have only one script which was posted yesterday, I think. It's called "The Chat Up Line". If you get around to having a look at it, your feedback would be welcome but remember, it's my first attempt so don't be too hard on me!
I decided to give this a read. The writing style seems very strange to me. It is hard to explain but I still enjoyed it. There was one sentence where I had to stop and think about it. "The main counter is absent anyone." I still don't get it! I assumed there wasn't anybody at the counter but then you write "anyone" which confuses me the hell out.
To tell you the truth, I didn't like the room spinning around. I just think that scene has been done so many times that it just takes you out of the moment.
Or maybe it's because I have been watching too much Harry Potter!
As Steve said, it is hard to judge it but I still enjoyed it for what it is currently. I would like to read the the whole thing when you finish it because so far, it seems very interesting.
It's always cool to lend an opinion to regularly contributing forum members. Based on comments, I see this is a fragment to be elaborated upon. So, I'll treat the pages here accordingly.
Between your opening slug and line, I've read the word "city" three times. We know it's a city bus from the slug. So, stop that, you.
P. 1 JULES holds up a bum wrapped bottle of whiskey. I don't know what that is. Sounds awful painful for that poor bum.
P. 2 Dig how Calvin diffuses the potential violence. I'm a big fan of creative non-violent solutions in those situations.
This is an intriguing slice of something else. Tastes like "The Pagemaster" and "The Neverending Story" at times, and that's fine.
I see the world outside the library all colored with a splash of Dickensian drab. Makes all the magic seem more vibrant and alluring.
And it sets up my seven favorite words I like to hear from producers... "What happens next? How does it end?"
Keep me posted on this one.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Mohammed, thank you for the read and the feedback, I appreciate it. I try my best to write out the pictures I have in my head, so having said that, I must have strange pictures in my head if the writing comes out that way! haha... The line about the counter seems natural to me, but I can see where that would be confusing. It would of been easier to just say; there's no one at the counter, and be done with it. I also don't like the room spinning around, truth be told. I took the easy way out, but when I really start to drill into this, I will come up with a much stronger transition from Library to where ever. Nice catch on that.
E.D! Long time, and thank you for the read as well. I didn't realize I wrote city 3 times in the open, so thank you for pointing that out, I will get it cleaned up.
I really don't want to give away the why is this happening and what comes next, because that's the secret sauce to the whole shabang! The comments here have motivated me to put a beatsheet together and start working through it, so again, thank you to everyone!
I've read many mediocre scripts on these boards. I've also read many scripts that try to tackle philosophical ideas, only to embarrass their respective writers.
This had the potential to be both. It wasn't.
Honestly, I highly enjoyed this one. I had no idea what you intended for it until after I read it. I have to say it's a very intriguing concept and I'd love to see what you do with it.
That said, that's not how I interpreted your script at all. It makes a little more sense toward the end where you introduced a genuine supernatural element to the story. But up until then, I read it as something of a philosophical, surrealist piece with a strong, real world grounding and established plot/goals. I saw a lot of Jim Jarmusch in this to be honest, which is a very good thing. The "origami" immediately struck as something he'd already done but that I couldn't remember (turns out, it was paper roses in Dead Man). You made it yours at the end though and the way the origami was used had a different context as well.
The ending was strange. It really didn't tie things up all that much and took a peculiar, unexpected turn that was a little jarring. It's funny though. I was actually going to tell you that the fact the story didn't quite add up didn't bother me and I enjoyed it for what it was. It made me do something few scripts do, which was look something up (The Golden Mean - the origami scene made a lot more sense afterward). That's a good thing, I'd say.
BTW, the dude at the end's Benjamin Franklin, right? Figured I'd throw my guess out there. Franklin's experiment with the kite seems to serve as a nice example for the Golden Mean philosophy (in regards to courage, as mentioned in the Wiki article I checked out).
Anyway, I really don't have much to say as far as gripes. Nothing that would have any relevance as far as I'm concerned. This was quite excellent IMO.
I'm definitely looking forward to see what the feature's like. I expect nothing less than an epic family film as conceived by Jim Jarmusch. Anything less and I will trash it ruthlessly and without consideration for your feelings.
James, thank you so much dude, I really appreciate the review. You have also enlightened me in the process as I was not familiar with Jim Jarmusch, nor his work. I did a quick look up of him, and can safely say I'll take a lot of time in studying his films as I move forward with this one.
You are absolutely correct. It is Ben Franklin in the end, conducting his famous electricity experiment. Franklin is probably one of the best known Polymath's in history and he has a very important role in the story as it plays out.
i'm really grateful for your review dude, it has inspired me to really aim high for this script, so I'll be certain to keep you in the loop as it progresses. I'd hate to be ruthlessly trashed!!
Spotted your script, always good to give back to a regular.
I hadn't read the part about this being the start of a feature so the end confused me... Now I understand.
It started off with a nice style of mystery, almost a version of Indiana jones, looking for the secret entrance within the library. Where does this go? Why does he go there? How does he know? All good questions waiting to be answered.
In terms of the writing I think it does need tightening with a touch more focus but the essence came across.
The tramps need a slightly clearer role for me. If they are guardians I think they should be more challenging, part of the test to get past. So far it doesn't truly come across that way. I wasn't sure about dropping a bottle because of a paper house. They should clearly decide he is worthy of passing, at present they seem tied up with the house and forget him. But again the idea does work.
The restricted hours, weird setting, strange card system all have the makings of a hidden sect or secret world. I personally like the idea of such a place right under everyone's nose, down the hidden pathway. Works well with children fantasy.
Where you go after then with the kite and different time era... Heaven knows. Would I want to read it, yes I would, and that's a good sign.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Bill, thank you for the read sir. I owe you one back, so stay tuned.
I agree with your assessment of the tramps, and that is an area of the script I'll be spending quite a bit of time developing. Yes, a paper house isn't really worthy of a smashed bottle of whiskey (not in my house anyway), so the significance of upping the ante for that scene needs to be much much stronger.
This is undoubtedly an interesting piece, if left unfinished. The lack of “The End” or even a “FADE OUT” after the last line suggests there is more to come. That’s ok, you’ve got my interest piqued but I'd like to see the complete work?
Anyway, the lack of an ending aside, this is an intriguing set up you have here. From the curious, 14 year old protagonist who seems to be channelling some older, mature identity unknown to us yet to the cryptic note, paper house and spooky library it’s next to impossible to second guess it and predict where it’s going to go. You’ve ambitiously combined elements of surrealism, intrigue, mathematics, philosophy and fairytale-like fantasy in under 8 pages. That’s impressive by anyone standards.
The big question now is can you develop and expand on it. Where do you go from here? What does the man flying the kite represent? How did Calvin come into possession of the note, etc.
You’ve built a solid opening here, great writing, full of mystique and Lynchian type non-sequitur and absurdity.
I want to see more...that’s the best compliment I can give you.
Some notes, observations, etc.
“Dusk sits behind a city that moves to the stop and go of a near empty city bus. The blight of the area comes into focus as the ride picks up pace.”
-- Superb opening to the script, wouldn’t change a word, brilliantly written, perfectly pitched.
“Looking back at us in the mirror is the BUS DRIVER, (55), who brings the bus to a slow stop.”
“We follow CALVIN WATT, (14) not big, not small, just right, as he shoulders a unique backpack and heads for the door.”
-- I would drop any “fourth wall” references to the reader such as “we” this and that or “us”
AL I believe my associate axed you a question, little man.
-- I hope the “axed” spelling was intentional. If so, love it. “Jules drops the whiskey bottle in a SMASH of glass.”
-- I’m enjoying Calvin’s wise words beyond his years but this is a bit overly dramatised as if drawing attention to how bright and mysterious this kid is. Let his dialogue speak for itself without resorting to clichéd tropes. Dropping the glass is up there with someone spitting their drink out when hearing something shocking, it’s a tad overused to say the least and lacks subtlety.
“INSERT: Handwritten note which reads, LOOK FOR THE MEAN IN THE GOLD OF THE SUN,”
“INSERT - Library Hours Sign. Every day reads CLOSED in an ugly font except Tuesday, which reads 6:43 pm to 7:09 pm.”
-- Personally I write inserts as new scene headings i.e. sluglines. For example:
INSERT - ITEM – TIME
Action lines underneath. When insert is completed I write on a new line:
BACK TO SCENE
I think it breaks up the description and draws attention to the item of interest so it doesn’t get lost in the prose. If you’re going to continue to write it the way you have it written, that’s fine too, just keep it consistent because in the first example you got a colon but the second has a hyphen.
“The main counter is absent anyone,”
-- Could be re-written as “The main counter is absent of anyone” or “The main counter is absent”
Col, thank you for the review, I will definitely take all of your suggestions and run with them as I work through the feature script.
I had a chance to read Rid Of Guilt, and dude, I was BLOWN AWAY! It was awesome. My absolute favorite plot device is the 'up the ante' out of no where, and you did an amazing job in that script.
I'm truly honored by your review, you're a superb writer. Thanks again.
sorry for the delay. meant to read this some time ago, but just getting to it now. at any rate, please excuse my tardiness.
let's review as i go along. my apologies if i repeat anyone else's comments but i want to go in fresh.
p1 a bit confused but intrigued. good start.
you already introduced Jules. no need to capitalize his name twice.
p2 same thing with Al
you just won bonus points for writing "axed" instead of "ask"
Naked to the world, the men are stunned by this kid’s wisdom. ^Show, don't tell
p3 so far so good. the writing's pretty fluid. could be a little more concise IMO, but its well-written thus far.
Checking his watch, Calvin sees its 6:49 pm. Made it. ^no need for "made it"
p 5 600 months is exactly 50 years. this kid must be a math wiz.
okay so i stopped here because i became really captivated and didnt want to interrupt myself. needless to say, i actually read this twice. i think it really warrants a second read.
so i have a lot of questions concerning motives, characters, etc etc. took a look at your replies and it seems as though this is part of a bigger piece of work. which is great. and for the first time, i'll find your reasoning excusable. does this short work on its own? not really (because there are too many unanswered questions). would this work as a feature? i hope so. i really enjoyed this and i think you've got a really good idea overall. would be happy to read it when it's finished.
I've seen you say this is part of of a feature and I have to say I will look out for it. It's intriguing me right now so I need to see what happens next. This is obviously a good thing in a feature because you always want to leave them wanting more. But, as it's a short, it has like a few have said, no ending. I'm overlooking that though. Also, I was just wandering if this is the first ten pages? They would work for me.
It needs to be tightened up a bit, as has been pointed out already. The opening paragraph was a killer for me in particular. It read a bit awkward which made it hard for me to SEE what was happening. If I hadn't seen the good reviews and you hadn't been a contributing member, I would probably of stopped right there and then. Also the line 'A plume of heated exhaust pushes Calvin down the sidewalk' had me scratching my head. Other than that I didn't have trouble with following.
I really like Calvin. He certainly has that 'don't judge a book by it's cover' feel to him. Just wandering if that's what you were going for with the library and all? I'm a big fan of anyone who is skilled in the art of origami, so him making the house was enough to win me over. His speech that went with it certainly didn't hurt his cause either. Nice writing. Plus he's polite, I like that in anyone so I'm in his corner.
My final point is about the backpack. The word 'unique' had me wandering 'in what way'? Is it made of glass? That would be unique for sure. Right now it could mean anything... show me it's uniqueness.
This had some really great discriptive writing and atmosphere. I personally don't like the dreaded "we" but that's just my personal preference. Loved the origami house and as part of a feature that scene would fit in nicely if it maybe formed the first part of a bookend? Just a thought - or am I missing what they really are; guardians of a sort? I agree with the neverending story, pagemaster similarities, is shaping to be aimed at older children, a fantastical journey through history? Very enjoyable, look forward to the rest of it. Daz
Edit: Forgot to mention the librarian's dialogue was fantastic.
Will, thank you for the review sir, I'm happy you gave it a second read. There are a lot of unanswered questions and what not, so again I do apologize for that. There are about 15 pages of back story that takes place before this part that basically fill in all of the gaps to this point. I'm working out the finer parts of that, and when I have the whole thing completed, I probably won't be posting it, as I think its strong enough to register and shop... I need to catch up on some bills, so hopefully there is a decent payday with it. That's a monster hope, but you never know. If you or anyone else wants to keep up with it offline, I would definitely appreciate that, so just send a pm and I'll add you to the loop.
Art, thank you as well, and I'm sorry if my writing gets confusing at times. There were a couple people put off by the 'plume' of smoke, but I've seen many a bus - and trucks - do that very thing, so I'll keep it in there for now. Additionally, the opening has had both pro and con impressions, and I also really like it, so I'll keep that too. Sorry!! I'm happy you like Calvin as a character, I see him as a genius with great discipline so I'll do my best to convey that throughout the feature, as that type of attitude gets you much farther in life than snot nose punk ass, like most 14 year olds these days - including my son!
Darrenjames, I hear you on the we stuff, and to be honest I don't know where I picked up that habit. When I first started writing screenplays I read like 1000 pro scripts and there were quite a few that used that tactic, so I figured if Paul Haggis can do it, so can I! Ok, so I don't have 2 Academy Awards like him... I get it! This is an older piece, and I assure you I don't write that way any more... Thanks again!
Read this the other day. Couldn't make much of it, but I did like the atmoshpere. It left me intrigued. Kudos on that.
Again, though, it is just a snippet of a feature. To maintain this level of interest throughout an entire feature is a far greater challenge. You don't handle any act turns here, it is just the beginning of a boys journey. But, if you ever get it done, I will have a looksee.
I hadn't read your note that this was a snippet from a feature you're working on. All the while I keot thinking it felt like a piece from something bigger.
Quite an interesting world you've set up. The first 8 pages definitely grabbed my interest although I think you sort of dropped us into this world. in the end I wanted to read more. I assume that's what you wanted to know so nice job.
You have a beautiful writing style. Awesome descriptions, at times a bit excessive but nothing too off putting. I do think if it were a bit leaner it would help pick up the pace.
Pg. 1 - a unique backpack? How are we supposed to picture that? This is the only place I felt your description was lacking.
Pg. 4 - "we're startled to hear", "our librarian". I know this is a matter of taste but I'm one of those people who doesn't like this type of description. Again, personal taste...it pulls me out of the character's story.
Pg. 6/7 - On page 6 Calvin opens a book no problem but on page 7 he needs to use 2 hands. Maybe show that when he opens the first book?
I really do like this world and hope you post more. Best of luck with it!!
I got to say, I really enjoyed this and it if the feature follows this standard you could have a great script here. Of course this is too short and too early to say it would be a winner but you get my drift. You have a good protagonist and the start of an intriguing story, I just hope you have answers for all the questions you set out at the start? I've watched some movies lately which ask many questions and then fail to answer any of them, it's like the writer had a great idea but then had no idea how to tie the lose ends together...I'm way off topic here.
For a moment when Calvin removed the paper from his backpack and made the paperhouse I had a flash of somewhere I thought the story was going but it didn't. I guess that's down to the fact that I recently watched an old British film called 'Paperhouse'. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about here so I'll move on.
You painted some lovely images, I especially liked the transition from Library to Field, though I'm not sure if you would need to add a new slug here at some point?
Anyway, I would love to read the remaining script, if or when you complete it; it certainly grabbed my interest. Good stuff so far and keep it up...
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Marnie, thank you for the read and the review, I appreciate both. Think of 'unique' as a placeholder for the actual backpack. I've not given a whole lot of thought to what exactly makes it unique, but I don't want it to be your average backpack. When I was in the Marine Corps, the snipers we worked with all made their own back packs. They were VERY unique in the fact that they were crafted specifically for the purpose of aiding in the killing of people... How's that for a thought. So I'm after the same thing, only with the purpose of 'helping' people... if that makes sense.
Alffy, great name and an even better avatar! That's awesome, I seriously want to try that and show my 5 year old, I think she would dig it... You're right on about the slug in the final scene, and I'm not sure why I didn't complete that, so thank you for pointing that out.
I have the whole story thought out soup to nuts, and like you, I'm not a fan of unfinished business in movies - cough War Horse, cough cough...
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The Polymath
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I assumed there wasn't anybody at the counter but then you write "anyone" which confuses me the hell out. 
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