Hey Jordan,

Owed you a read buddy so here I am but I feel so late to the party…never mind.

This was good, definitely entertaining and my type of story with great creatures slashing up some teens on a random bridge. This felt like more of an opening to a movie rather than a standalone short, wonder if you have something bigger in store for this pesky creatures.

The action although tight, could be tighter but others have already covered this base so won’t go there. I thought the dialogue was excellent and played out well, gave these teens life even though they wasn’t around for long so good job on that.

Also think you created some good tension throughout, liked the way they getting taken one by one but we never really saw what was taking them.

The bridge could do with more description at the beginning as it’s so important to the story here, it’s basically a character in itself.

I would have personally cut down on all the looking by Shawn at the end as his eyes were basically shot to shit right but that’s just me? Otherwise, all in all a great little tale and I’m intrigued to continue reading if this is expanded into a feature?

Good job, I enjoyed it.

Steve

Jordan, just read over this and I rally enjoyed it.

I don't really have any negatives, so that's good...

Good tension building and a great gory ending.  While reading I imagined the scene from 'Troll Hunter' where the Troll fights Hans in the moonlight.  Really liked this, good stuff.

Thanks for the review E.D.

I like the idea of the bus being trapped on the bridge.  The majority of the story could play out on the bridge, which would make it pretty easy to produce.

I didn't even think about the Ooze short from Creepshow 2.  That story was originally "The Raft" by Stephen King.  I do see some similarities though.

Jordan

I dislike the bus idea a great deal.  It was done in Jeepers Creepers 2 and that was a shithole of a movie, wile the original was excellent.

Quoted from Dreamscale It was done in Jeepers Creepers 2 and that was a shithole of a movie

Ha Ha. Jeff, you certainly don't beat around the bush with your opinions.

Jeepers Creepers 2 is an American  classic.  It ranks right up there with Battlefield Earth and Glitter.

Quoted from Dreamscale I dislike the bus idea a great deal.

I like the idea of being trapped in a seemingly harmless place, with freedom/safety just out of reach and fighting for your life.  The bus isn't necessary.  Maybe an RV.

Hey Jordan,

I’ve seen you pop up around the boards reviewing so I thought I’d bump up one of yours.

I think it was you who wrote on another short’s thread that this is a great sequence that needs to be in a much longer script.  The same can be said about this one buddy.  It feels like an opening scene and I loved it.

The tension is almost immediate and it never lets up throughout your entire seven pages.  It was crazy atmospheric.  I also loved how you went full on out describing your gore and what the creatures have done to Shawn… some people don’t take the time so hats off.

Some suggestions:

Maybe get rid of Mark.  He had, I think, three lines.  I feel like maybe instead of having Mark around, a few extra lines could’ve went to Katie just to expand her for the hell of it.

Lines like this didn’t work for me:

SHAWN (CONT’D)
You're slipping. Billy! You're
slipping!

I don’t know… to me I don’t think people would speak like that.  Maybe “You’re slipping!”  sounds better personally.  Just nitpicking because I didn’t really find anything else wrong within the script.

SHAWN
What the fuck is going on!

Ehhh.. lol.  Again, nitpicking.

I personally didn’t find anything wrong with your writing style but anything that can be commented on has been done already by Jeff and Balt.  Anyways, fun read man.  You really should expand this.  Like these little creatures haunting a little Midwestern town or something.  I don’t know, I liked it.  

Cool photos btw.  Nice visual.

ONEY

Hey Jordan,

I'm glad Oney bumped this one back to the top, I missed it the first time around. I thought the script was kick ass. Awesome job. I loved the intensity throughout. Nothing negative from me + Jeff and others have already pointed out the little issues for you so there's nothing I can add to it.

Overall very cool and best of luck with future scripts.

- Dirk

Thanks for the reads, Oney and Dirk.

When I wrote this one, I wasn't all that confident in my abilities.  I didn't want to spend that much time writing a feature, just to have it suck ass, and torture anyone who attempted to read it.

I agree that this could be expanded into a feature.  I'm just trying to find a unique angle on the story, that hasn't been done a million times already.  I'd want it to be something deeper than, "Monster under bridge.  Ah.  Run.  Ah.  Hot girl takes a shower.  Everyone dies."  Granted, that doesn't sound like a horrible movie.  I'd just need to add a couple more shower scenes.  Then it would be an amazing script.

I agree that the dialogue should be revised.  Shawn's line, "What the fuck is going on!", reminded me of, Poltergeist, where the oldest daughter is standing out front, yelling, "What's happening!", but I couldn't use that line because it reminds me too much of, Born in East L.A.

Mark is definitely the most expendable one of the group, but I needed him to build the tension.  If I just started with Katie getting ripped over the side of the bridge, that would be too sudden.  With Mark disappearing, the reader wonders where he went.

If I turn this into a feature, I'll be sure to take everyone's notes into consideration.  I greatly appreciate all of your comments.  Thank you.

Jordan

Yes, more shower scenes.  That sounds perfect.  How about setting it in a hot springs where all the female characters constantly bathe...in the buff.

Quoted from Dreamscale Yes, more shower scenes.  That sounds perfect.  How about setting it in a hot springs where all the female characters constantly bathe...in the buff.

I second that!

Quoted from Dreamscale Yes, more shower scenes.  That sounds perfect.  How about setting it in a hot springs where all the female characters constantly bathe...in the buff.

Don't you start getting all deep and meaningful now, just doesn't sit right

How about a movie where some creatures eat all the clothes in the world, and the only way to keep them from eating through your skin is to shower every 30 minutes.

The creatures also decimated the male population, leaving only a handful of men alive on the planet.  The only reason these lucky few survived is because they had Jäegermeister and Red Bull in their blood stream.  However, high levels of Estrogen, negate the effects of Jäger Bombs, making the shower the only safe haven for women.

Now this group of men must stay buzzed on Jäger Bombs, while they travel the world, repopulating the planet, one showering girl at a time.

I smell Oscar.

Due to popular demand, I'm rewriting 'The Bridge' and turning it into a feature.  Here are a couple storyboards I had drawn up from the short.  Wes Huffor is the artist who drew these up.  He was really easy to work with and he got me the storyboards quickly.  If you're looking to have some storyboards drawn up, I highly recommend him.

Thank you, Brett, for collaborating with me on this.