Thank you for reading it Dustin. This short was rewritten of course and is in post production.

I enjoyed writing this piece...

Well, all that is left to say then is, good luck.

Dena

A sad tale, well written if a little uneven.

“A crinkled smile births across the dirty face.”

- Never seen “birth” being used as a verb before, I like it.

Great first page from a writing perspective I think. Since its practically all prose, it needs to have zip and forward momentum even if it’s only depicting a relatively undramatic event of a bum looking for change from a motorist. But I think you achieved it here with energetic phrasing and clever breaking up of the sentences. You can’t underestimate the value of knowing when and where to use the ENTER button.

“She shakes her head in agreeance.”

- Maybe it’s just me but I always associate “shaking” one’s head as disagreeing with something or saying no. Perhaps replace with “nods”

Also, “agreeance” is not a valid term, replace with “agreement.”

“ The wind carries an empty plastic BAG gracefully through the
wind. It catches Carson’s attention as it drifts, almost
dancing through the air.”

- Too close to American Beauty for my tastes. You can’t copy that unless you are spoofing it, which has already been done.
“Those things you see on late night infomercials -- mobility
scooters they call them.”

- No need for this aside. “Motorised wheelchair” is explanatory enough, we get it.

“The chair jars as it crosses the simultaneous cracks in the
infinite sidewalk.”

- What do you mean by “simultaneous cracks”?

Is there an explanation why the cripple shot Carson? He idn’t understand English?

Things really take a turn for the worst in the last couple of pages and we naturally feel for Carson as he is painted as a genuine nice guy but is it a little overwrought? Are we thematically hammered over the head here, made to empathise wholly with this guy without any concessions? Is the moral presented too clearly, too black and white?

I mean, anybody who reads this will see a twist coming of some sort whereby Carson is going to get a raw deal. This guy is nearly too good to be true; giving a bum 20 bucks, pushing a car to a garage, helping a cripple cross the road, he’s Mother Teresa in male form! I think the moral lines are all too simplistically drawn, too clear and easily defined, I wouldn’t mind have seen a bit of ambiguity, a grey area in Carson’s characterisation just to make him seem more human, more flawed. Is he being punished solely for the Starbucks cup quip to Amanda or what?

However, the image of this once able bodied man carting himself around in a wheelchair still delivers a powerful punch for the reader, poor guy.

Also, I thought that Amanda would re-enter the story at the end but she remained elusive, purely a work colleague though probably not anymore. Again, poor Carson, where is the fu?king karma!

Col.