Tommy :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Despite the fact that somehow this thread went from a fair script analysis to being reminiscent of my days as an eleven year old on Myspace, I'm going to critique Tommy. Why? Because I read it and I am too self important to do things pro bono.

The only word I can think of to describe how the story played out is ... quaint. It was a nice little story about a boy being adopted out of an orphanage, but it seemed to go on for too long considering that nothing particularly interesting happened. Yes, adoption is great. However stories like this, where there's no giant twist, no explosive action, no red herrings, require a stronger appeal to pathos than a metaphoric science fiction tale about the dangers of technology might.

Since this is the sort of thing that could very well be happening right now, in order to make it work as a screenplay the audience must connect strongly with the trials and/or at the very least, the characters. For some reason I really only cared about Lelia and Ashley, the latter probably because she was introduced first, the former because she struck me as more proactive than the other kids ("You gave it to that little girl. I saw you."). I don't know, it seemed like she was more than a plot piece. Tommy was just there to be adopted, Vicky and Mark were there to adopt, and Leah was invented to carry out the proceedings. They didn't seem to hold their own as characters. Aside for the fact that he's a child with a whole future ahead of him, I would have cared less if the script had ended with Tommy's spontaneous combustion on account of latent lactose intolerance.

Before I get to page specific criticisms, I want to say that this wasn't entirely badly written. Nothing mindblowing, but neither is my work, none of which has yet to even be posted because Don probably feels ashamed to put it on his site. The story itself didn't culminate in anything too powerful (Ashley running to give Tommy a hug?) which left me feeling slightly unsatisfied, but not to the point where I would say reading it was a waste of time. Also, I completed the script without the knowledge of this being a three part project. I must say that I feel opposite of the popular opinion and didn't get the sense that this was part of a larger project. It felt very open and close, just not in a way that punched me in the gut the way stories of poor lonely children who finally find families typically try to.

(p1) "A woman stands by the bench, Vicky (26)" could be shortened to "VICKY (26) stands by the bench."
(p1) Also you could take away the line "A BENCH" prior to the aforementioned sentence and instead jump immediately to "VICKY (26) stands by a bench..." since simply writing "A BENCH" presents the image of a lone unattended to bench that's meant to be focused on.
(p1) "on the bench sits - MARK." "on" should be capitalized, the dash after "sits" can be removed.
(p1) The phrase "knocks her butt on the ground" read really weird to me. I imaged her repeatedly bumping her butt against the ground in some kind of synchronized dance.
(p1) This is a problem I spotted multiple times throughout the script. Almost every time you mention a character's name, that name receives its own line, then the remainder of the sentence is typed on the following line. Not doing this is probably not a rule, but it read spotty to me. For instance: "VICKY *new line* brings her phone to Mark." Firstly, once a character has been introduced his or her name does not need to be capitalized any more times in the screenplay. Secondly, this written as one sentence reads a lot more nicely and helps cut space, reducing the number of pages for the piece. There's at least one of this case on virtually every page.
(p2) Along the lines of the above, the ice cream exchange sequence could be reduced to one or two paragraphs.
(p3) Another occurrence that emerges more than once is your misplaced use of parentheticals. (defeated) here is not necessary. The statement itself is enough of a clue as to the tone of Tommy's sentiment.
(p3) "Lelia pretends like an adult." Pretends what? Pretends to be an adult by taking a deep breath? Or does she simply pretend, as all adults do? Those infamous tax paying baby boomer pretenders.
(p4) Why is "(clears throat)" included? Not sure if Man #2 clearing his throat is a key detail to the conversation.
(p4) "They're from a Church." "Church" doesn't need to be capitalized.
(p4) "The one's in a blue T-shirt." The possessive "one's" makes sense, but verbally it would sound misleading, as if all the kids in the group being pointed at were wearing blue shirts. Also, "T-shirt" should be in lowercase.
(p4) What is "ye--ah"? Is she being sarcastic, like "yeeeeeah (obviously)"? Or is she singing, like "yeeeeeeah (it's a party in the U-S-A)"?
(p4) If I were revising this, I would change the heading to include the name of the church, instead of just CHURCH. So: INT. ST AUGUSTINE CHURCH - OFFICE - DAY, and follow the same procedure as required throughout the script. In this case it would negate the need to include "a Sister in St. Augustine's church" in Leah's description as it would already be implied.
(p5) "nods, agreed." should be "nods, agrees."
(p5) "that kind of couple" might read better as "the kind of couple."
(p5) The beats seem extraneous. I wouldn't say they add any suspense or tension. The lines they're in look fine without them.
(p5) "See, how it plays out." No comma needed.
(p5) "(smiles)" shouldn't be a parenthetical. Parentheticals are used, to my understanding, to dictate how to say a line that may be misinterpreted. Such as:

CHRIS
(angrily)
I love you, okay?

Smile is a verb, thus your parenthetical could be written as an action before the dialogue. Observe.

Leah smiles.

LEAH
Yes, it is. We'll go and see him.
(p5) "children at the tables, eat lunch." Omit the comma here too. Children at the tables eat lunch. No pause necessary.
(p6) "gets the picture." I would have used "gets the message." I take getting the picture to mean something more along the lines of understanding the scope of things. If someone asks if Lelia understands the implications of her releasing a virus into the world, she'd say she gets the picture. Here however, Tommy indirectly communicates something to her, she gets the message.
(p6) "the picture, and..." So many commas, so little time.
(p6) Entrance need not be repeated. Capitalize "double door entrance" then move to the next sentence.
(p6) "pushes to open..." The ellipses doesn't exactly serve a purpose other than to force anticipation for the reader. It feels inauthentic, and semi-insulting. You should remove it.
(p6) You can remove the second "ENTRANCE" heading as well. "Vicky and Mark enter" is enough. It's clear where they're coming from.
(p6) "she also smiles" could be a new sentence.
(p6) "lowers" should be singular.
(p7) The exclamation point after "Vicky!" threw me off. I envisioned her squealing like a 90's baby meeting N'Sync or yelling her name out. I think a period would suffice.
(p7) "Scans between them" also read odd, as if he was scanning the space between them. Maybe "back and forth between them" would be better. Later you write "shifts his gaze between..." Use something along those lines.
(p7) "Children's" need not be capitalized.
(p7) "You don't remember us..." But he does. He asked, "Have we met before?" It's not as though the three had a conversation back in the park that he doesn't recall but they do. They watch him, he saw them, they all remember.
(p7) "(nods)" Again, this parenthetical is an action.
(p7) Her eyes redden? Sounds like infuriated, smoke out of ears anger. Maybe her eyes well instead of redden.
(p9) "(laughs)" is an action.
(p9) Change "bring" to "brings" in "bring us all together."
(p9) Again, the beat seems thrown in for artificial effect. Perhaps add a line similar to "Leah eyes the couple questioningly" in place of the parenthetical.
(p9) "of course, we do." Comma, goodbye.
(p9) "EXIT" is used primarily in stage plays. "She exits" seems more appropriate for this type of work.
(p10) "and... the sun SHINES..." You can removes the ellipses here for the same reasons I mentioned before. It's just like the beats, trying to establish a dramatic pause where one isn't necessary. Also, lower case SHINES would be fine, though upper case isn't too much of a problem.
(p10) Correct me if I'm wrong but "FADE IN:" is usually left aligned.
(p10) "SHINES on... TOMMY'S FACE." One line, omit ellipses.
(p10) Why must the scampering children be seen from Tommy's POV? Unless his POV is blurred or different in a way relevant to the story it shouldn't matter. All that's important is that the playing children are shown. You can subtract the POV shot.
(p10) "a... SWING." Ellipses.
(p11) "open his mouth." Change the verb to "opens."

Someone mentioned on the first page that the use of the phone screens was confusing. I agree. I was under the impression that they were recording the kids initially then when Vicky would show a video to Mark it was prerecorded from earlier. But if I understand you correctly, Vicky was pointing out currently recording video of the kids to her husband. Why would she show him Tommy playing through her phone screen when he's sitting right in front of them? Why were the children being recorded at all? I thought that would play some significance in the story, as it very well might since this is three parts, but as it stands it seems sketchy that two adult strangers are recording orphan kids in order to decide which to adopt.

Which brings me to the fact that Tommy's indoctrination into the family seemed hasty. Mark and Vicky didn't appear to spend much time deliberating nor did Tommy have much a say in the matter following Sister Leah's strict admonition that he was extremely picky and would have to concede before further proceeding.

I know that was a lot. I also know that was really critical. Sorry, I do these things because they makes me feel superior. All in all the script wasn't bad, simply bland. I didn't finish feeling like I read anything spectacular. Then again if the words are not on a food label, I usually don't.