Hey Dale,

Your script got a lot of response - you must be one of the active readers here then?

Quoted from DaleTrett Perhaps I should clarify that a little more.

What's to clarify - the script is easy to understand. In fact it's a bit plain for my tastes - he has a date with a girl and yet he sacrifices it for his sick mother.

So, in my opinion, clarity is there which is a big thing, but I wish there was more of a story. I wish the ending surprised me in some way - that would suggest a total rewrite - he quarrels with his mother perhaps, we have no way of knowing he might sacrifice his date for her etc.

Might be just me.

I'm fairly new to the whole Simply Scripts thing to be honest.  If you leave a link to your own material; I Will try my best to give helpful advise as everybody has for me!

Everybody's got such great ideas!! When I go round my scripts with the things I'm learning, I Will try to incorporate these great ideas!  

Thanks again!

not an embarrassing script. trust me, i've read some real stinkers on the site. it just didnt stick out...and that's something you can fix.

and i'm glad you're not afraid to poke fun of yourself. it'll serve you well on the boards. kudos.

Dale, Your story revolves around a young man who cares gracefully about his mother.

From what I can visualize in this story, Is that Todd's mother is dying of throat cancer, and that he never wants to leave her side at any time. Every caring second counts and pleads desperately, and precious before she passes away.

So he decided to have his date to spend a short spell with his sick mother, before they leave and go out.

A good Family caring story Dale.    

Hi Dale,

It was a sweet story, and it was a good amount of content for a short. It had a good theme - the theme of family - and I enjoyed how the addition of EMMA into TODD and his MOM's relationship could spark something more.

Nonetheless, it could also be stretched more (it's no worries if you disagree), where the love between TODD and his MOM could be expressed through small gestures as well, which might add another dimension to the story. EMMA as a character has potential and can be developed.

Couple of things, please feel free to take them with a pinch of salt:

• TODD, 20, handsome, looks nervous. He stares into a mirror.
  
• Started off thinking that it would be better for us to know Todd'S MOM's name, so we could identify with her as a character independently, but the story's focus is about their mother-son relationship, so it seems to work well.
  
• Todd's MOM, 46, looks weak and frail with a poor complexion.
  
• She lies under the bed sheets.
  There is a tendency to write as visualized in your mind, especially for a short, but try to combine this line with the previous line, perhaps: Todd's MOM, 46, lies on the bed, weak and frail. During production, this can then be executed in detail.
  
• Todd sits on a chair beside the bed.
  
• MOM
  It would be nice to see you with a nice girl. You shouldn't be stuck with me.
  
• MOM
  Promise me you won't end up a alone like me.
  
• TODD
  You're not alone. You've got me and I've got you.
  I thought this was a great line of dialogue that ties the entire theme of family together.
  
• Todd's back in the chair, his Mom's still in the bed. They're smiling and laughing.
  The two lines could be combined.
  

All the best!

This was a nice short, but it seemed like a trailer for a longer piece.  You barely scraped on the story between Todd and his mother.  Show how Todd has trouble getting a date because of his mother.


Phil

Folks,

This has been filmed.  You can view the film here.

-Don