Awake by Thomas Pascal and Nick Smith (tommyp) - Short, Drama, Thriller - A houseridden man attempts to justify his suicide by killing his brother. 9 pages - pdf, format

Hello everyone! I haven't been posting on the boards for a while, but don't fret, I have been keeping an eye on everyone and reading posts every now and then.

Thanks Don for posting this!

So I wrote a script (with Nick) and I think it's not too terrible, I actually quite like it.

I would love some feedback on it if you have the time to read it (it's pretty short) and I can return the favour if you so wish by reading one of your scripts and telling you my thoughts on it

Thanks!

Yo, Tommy man...what up?

Based on your logline, I'm worried.  First of all, it doesn't make sense to me at all, as written.  Secondly "justifies"?  WTF?  Not good, bro.

I will read it though.

Hope your drinking is in high gear - mine is of course!  

Ah, bugger, a typo in the logline. Gr. Well picked up, should be "justify" obviously.

Haha, yes, of course!

Thanks for reading, man.

OK guys, I gave this a read.  I'm sorry, but I don't have anything positive to say at all.  In fact, I'm completely clueless to what even happens and what happened.

Where to begin?  Hmmm...OK...how about this?

The writing itself is not good, IMO.  Mistakes of every kind are on display:  orphans, awkward writing, typos, grammar issues, passive writing, unclear writing, technical issues, way overuse of transitions, some poorly broken up passages that run too long and include actions that should be set apart, etc, etc, etc.

Basically, we have 2 talking heads here spouting lots of exposition that's never made clear really what went on or what's actually going on.  It does not help at all that you chose to name these 2 "brothers" "One" and "Two".  Quite crazy, actually, as it doesn't work in any way and also makes many of the sentences read oddly.

You have a total of 5 scenes which take place in 2 unique settings - "BEDROOM" and "ONE'S HOUSE", but the latter only takes up a couple of lines, and is basically Two standing at the door, outside One's House.

But, we then have an incorrectly used FLASHBACK imbedded in the 3rd BEDROOM Slug (or at least, it appears to be incorrect, but since I don't really know what happened here, maybe I'm missing something), which doesn't make any sense to me.  If you choose to label FLASHBACKS like this, you understand that only that Slug is included in the FLASHBACK, right?

So, what happened?  I don't know.  It appears that One kills Two in a FLASHBACK, but Two then appears in the bloody bedroom, as if nothing happened, or everything is happening over and over again.

I'm very interested in hearing what I'm missing.  I'm also interested in seeing what others think of this.

These are my own personal thoughts here, guys, so take them as you see fit.  I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, just letting you know how it comes across to me.

Hope this helps.  Take care guys.

So I’m guessing the main body of this was One’s dream? The end was the reality?

SPOILERS

It’s one of those pieces that leaves more questions than answers.  There’s a lot of little set-ups in the dialogue that never lead anywhere: the medication, the crime One committed, and the 15 grand; the scripts (which I initially thought was a reference to ‘prescription’ medicine); the withdrawal, then he pulls out a gun...

Basically you’ve got One, an angry, suicidal guy down on his luck for a lot of reasons who dreams/fantasizes about killing Two - albeit accidentally - his older brother who tries to help, yet ultimately antagonizes him.

I think you have to appreciate this needs more clarity in order to work. It seems more complicated than it has to be. Maybe figure out what you’re trying to say and trim everything else until you have a clearer narrative.  

Sorry, I don’t know that I can end on a positive note here. It’s a head scratcher as written.

Steve.

This script kinda gets dragged down by repetition and missed opportunities.  It seems that all One does is complain and all Two does is console him.  They talk about a myriad of things that don't really go anywhere and then one of them dies.

As for the ending... I guess One had the dream and then killed himself?

Hey guys, thanks for all the comments. I will respond to them now.  I've been quite busy the last day or so, hence the late reply.

Many of you aren't understanding the story, which is not good. I will explain it now. One is under house arrest and spends all his day in bed. He was set up by a cop and didn't get put in jail, but he cannot leave his house.

He hates it.

His brother (Two) is the opposite. Rich, got a family, great job, etc. One is jealous of his brother.

One cannot stand how terrible he is at life, he just seems to do everything wrong. He wants to kill himself so he gets hold of a gun. He can't bring himself to straight-out BANG, shoot, dead, so he day dreams about killing his brother because he is jealous of him and needs a way to get to the point of pulling the trigger.

So in his day dream he shoots his brother, but in reality he has finally shot himself.

The sequence of events is that One is lying in bed, he has the day dream, shoots himself, Two comes over to have a chat to him and what we don't see and what would come next is Two would walk in on One lying on the bed dead.

I hope that makes sense!

Now, down to business....

Jeffrey, thank you for the read. I am a bit rusty with the writing and will do a more thorough check for spelling and such in the next rewrite. Also in the next rewrite I will give them names, One and Two seem to complicate it too much.

Yep, I think it's a flashback because we're going back in time to an earlier moment.

After reading me above explanation, how we looking? Understand it now or still a bit fuzzy?

M.Alexander, well picked up, that should be One, will change it in the rewrite. I hope my above explanation helped you understand the story, let me know

stevemiles, yep, think you got it. The medication was to show that One wasn't right in the head. The 15 grand and the crime was the reason he was stuck in his house.

I really do think this is a nifty, little idea, so I am going to spend more time on it and, as you say, clarify it so it's clearer. I do appreciate that, and thank you for your feedback!

AsteroidJuice, thanks for the read. Repitition? Yeah, maybe, the next draft will be shorter

Tommy, I still don't get it, bro.

The bulk of this being an actual Flashback, doesn't make any sense, cuz in the Flashback, One shoots Two, and I think you're now saying this never even happens - it's all a dream.

If that's true, why are you calling it a Flashback?  Is this an attempt at deceiving your readers?

I'm sorry, man, but for me, this makes no sense.  Even all the back story you, the writer knows, does not translate back to me, the reader.

How would the kid get a brand new gun if he's on house arrest and bed ridden?  But wait...did he actually get a gun, or is that a dream?

Let's see what others have to say.  Maybe it's me that's the problem...

It's not a flashback per se, but more a dream sequence. What do you think I should label it as in the rewrite? It does, though, happen BEFORE, albeit a dream, the first scene.

One has to DREAM killing his brother so he is able to kill himself. It could even be seen as he has tried to kill himself before, but hasn't quite brought himself to do it. He has finally found a way, and it's through the killing of his brother (again, in his mind).

He could have ordered it on the Internet, is one possibility. A friend of his could have given it to him, is another.

I really hope this is making a bit more sense. If it isn't, and others agree with you, this needs a MAJOR rewrite.

Tommy, help me out here, then (and maybe I can help you at the same time)...

The script begins with One "sitting up in bed, dozing."  His eyes even move under his lids, meaning he is alive, correct?

In the same scene, "a knock at the door, brings One back to reality", so we have to assume this is all playing out in real time, right?

Then Two enters the house, and we are to assume it was he who was knocking.

Next, we get this Flashback, which isn't a Flashback at all - it's One's dream - but isn't One actually dead the entire time?

Then Two walks up to the bedroom, identical to the opening scene when One was sitting up in bed dreaming.

You see my point, or no?

Anyone else care to jump in here?

I have realised the script is not clear, I concede that.

I may be able to explain it though.

Two comes to see his brother a few times a week. The brother spends a lot of time dozing in bed as he is depressed and contemplating killing himself.

The first scene is one of those times, a while ago.

The second scene and the very last scene are the same and are the present.

The large middle scene is the flashback which happened before the present where one of the times that One was dozing, he actually brought himself to kill himself.

I kind of get it with your explanation, but not sure I would have without it.  I can see two major problems muddying the waters here.

The first is the exasperating names of One and Two.  No point for that, at least, none that I can see -- just give them proper names.

Also, I think there is far too much talk here, and you are getting off point with all the stuff about life choices and house arrests.  And how would he have gotten the gun anyway under such circumstances?

You could simplify things by making the one brother very ill, to the point of being bedridden.  Lots of IV tubes and beeping machines and whatnot.

His jealousy and hopelessness would still be there -- and we could grasp this envy instantly, without explanation -- so you would not have to get bogged down in all the minutia of the backstory.

Just a thought.

Bert is right - way too much dialogue that goes nowhere and actually muddies the waters more than anything else.

I also think using a Flashback is a big mistake for at least 2 reasons:

First, as I've said, it's not actually a Flashback - it appears to be a dream.

Secondly, the big issue for me is the POV - as in who's POV is this coming from?  It appears to be coming from One, but One is dead in the present time period of the script, right?  Basically, the bulk of this script appears to be a dream from a dead guy.

I can't seem to get around this, as it just doesn't make sense to me.

And, ordering guns online for delivery?  God, I hope that isn't remotely legal...

Tommy,

Okay, so if I understand you here the ‘dream’ sequence takes place before the first scene.

However, the events taking place in ‘One's dream’ (One shooting Two) have real-time consequences (One’s suicide) which makes the placing of the ‘dream’ sequence before the first scene which happened ‘one of those times a while ago’ confusing to the reader -- he'd already be dead.

The second scene and the final scene are the ‘real time scenes’  -- okay, got that.

The main body of the story, or 3rd scene is One’s dream sequence. The term ‘flashback’ isn’t helping you here. I'd use a flashback to reference a past event/sequence that’s actually taken place.  As the 3rd scene only takes place in One’s head, it needs to be presented as a ‘dream sequence’.

The fact that it has real-world consequences needs to be presented clearer in the narrative. Showing One accidentally killing Two in the dream followed by One dead in his bed leaves a lot of room for confusion.

Take another look at the logline -- ‘bedridden’ implies he’s ill, too ill to move, not under ‘house arrest’.

Good luck with it, Im sure you can iron this out.  

I’m gonna need a lot more coffee...

Steve.

Hey Guys,

For the most part of this one I found myself really enjoying it. The dialogue is great and I found it quite easy to get into the story. The idea of a crazy jealous man... Yeah, I love it.

Once I read your explanation of the ending I understood exactly what had just happened. My main concern if I were you would be how can a film producer take this script and effectively convey that same idea, without confusing the daylight out of their audience. I mean, you've seen the amount of confusion you guys have had already. Who's to say the same thing wont happen to a final film? Just a thought.

Visuals are essential in a script like this and unfortunately I think the script is somewhat lacking on that aspect. You have no character descriptions. I have no idea what these two guys look like. It's left for me to make assumptions based on how the characters behave. So, I'd assume that One has greasy hair, probably a beard, stained teeth, where Two is well-dressed, clean shaven and all the rest. The problem is, I shouldn't be left to assume, I should be told what they look like. There are certain things to leave for interpretation, but character descriptions aren't one of them IMO.

Hope this helps. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Dan

I just read this and did not read any comments before the read, as to not taint my review.  After reading it (page by page notes below), I am mostly with Dreamscale here.  

It is not really a flashback.  As you explain it, it is a dream sequence.  I still don't get that he eventually kills himself.  In the first scene you have him alive and well, and then a knock at the door.  I too, thought this was Two, but why would he knock if you have him open the door with a key?

I am ok with the dialog and the exposition, as long as it fits the story.  You had a lot of it, and in the end, have to explain the story to us.  That means you didn't quite convey what you wanted in the script.  I understand (after your explaination) of where you were going with this, and think you can get there with another rewrite.  Just tidy some of what everyone is saying and put your own bits in there.

Interesting thought on this, but short on execution (pun intended).  Would like to read the next rewrite.  Heres my notes:

Pg 1:  The bed sits... and the chair sits...  I would try and change it up.  At least have “A chair is in the opposite corner.”  Also, you said the room is empty.  How can there then be a chair and a clock?

“We begin to hear...” change that to something like, “ A strange and very soft sound of incoherent voices begins, as if moving into One's dream.”  No “we hear”s.

Why would Two knock if he has a key?  Maybe I will find out as I read.

Pg 2: Two says, “... We need to find you a someone you can actually get along with.”  Need to remove the “a”

“Two stands up and interrupts One”  don't need to tell us he interrupts, just that he stands.  We know he does with the dialog.

In your description, you said He starts rifling through shit strewn on the table.  I believe you can/should use “shit” in dialog because it is what people say.  Not sure if it really flies in description, plus you can always do this better here anyway.

Pg 3:  Don't need parenthetical to tell us he interrupts.  We get it from the dialog.

Pg 7:  You already said One clicked the safety off, but said it again before he started the off/on for effect part.

Bert, thanks for the read. Consider the One and Two issue fixed.

I will find a way to show how he got the gun, and in the next draft will cut the rubbish and make it clearer on what is going on. Mm, yes, being ill could work well. I will pitch it to my writing partner. Very good thoughts, thanks, Bert.

Jeff, what should the slug be? "Dream"?

Yes, the majority of the script is a dream. I don't think this is a huge issue. Do you disagree? Why?

Again, the gun thing may be an issue. I don't think it's a huge issue, though. I think you can order online. You should know that more than me, Jeff, living in the US of A where every second grandma and grandkid has some form of gun in their back pocket. Didn't James Holmes order his stuff online? Maybe not, i'm not sure. Anyway, I will figure that one out.

Sorry this story isn't for you

Steven,

I'm onto the whole it's-not-really-a-flashback thing and will change it to dream sequence or similar

Yep, i'm onto the logline too, well picked up.

Thanks! I will try and iron out the troubling bits.

Oh, please, God, don't be that instant rubbish! (reference to coffee)

Dan, thank you! Dan the fan! Yeah, good point, it does lack descriptions a bit, next draft i'm onto it!  Thanks again, Dan.

JJ, thanks for the read.

Consider the flashback-dream issue sorted, i'm onto it.

Thanks for all the notes, I will include them all in the next rewrite, which I hope you will be able to read, as I am confident it will be an improvement on this one.  Thanks again!

Tommy, yeah, the Flashback should be written as "DREAM" IMO, but then again, my main point is that it's a bit strange to have a dream coming from a dead guy.  I just don't see how that can ever work.

As many have said, the key here and really in all writing is clarity.  If at all possible (and it is!), you want your readers to understand 100% of the script, 100% of the time, on their very first read through.

IMO, the premise is flawed here, and I don't see how you can get around that.

Hey Tommy nice to see you around.

I got to say I was a little confused by this but I gather I'm not the only one.  I thought One was ill and was in need of drugs and was also in trouble with the law but then after reading your posts I'm not sure he's ill at all?

The flashback confusion has been brought up by others and I think you need to change it.  It's weird because of course on screen you would have no indication as the whether it was a flashback or a dream lol.

I did like how you drip fed us the story but it was a little long winded at times.  I think a rewrite would benefit this script greatly.

Hey Tommy (and Nick),

Haven't seen you around in a while and saw you got something new up, so I thought I'd take a look at it.

Whoowee is this a confusing one.

While it's a story that may have potential, it also has a huge big drawback that I'm not sure it well ever be able to overcome.  And that's with how confusing it is.

All right, saying you give the character's names, (which only added to the confusion in the first place), it's still going to be a very difficult story to get across because of the timeline, or whatever it is.

There's a smash cut here, a cut here, you have to flashback here, cut back here... that right there is confusing to follow in and of itself.

And, technically, it's not a flashback, nor I guess is it a dream sequence.  It's a daydream sequence.  So technically, One, (or Two, I forget which brother was which) has to be awake in order to daydream himself into killing himself.

Into the script, you may be able to spoonfeed information to us in the slugline to clear up the matter in the next draft.  But the problem with that is... it's not going to translate to the film at all.  It'll still be just as confusing onscreen as it is now on the page.

And wow!  House arrest for something involving 15 grand on a police sting?  That's automatic hard time right there.  And is the brother borrowing the money for house arrest?  Where I'm from, it's 39 dollars a day.  (Lol.  Don't ask how I know the exact amount.  :-)  That's over 14 grand he'd have to pay up front right there.

Plus, let's not forget that it's only house arrest.  It's hard to believe that the brother would want to kill himself because he's on house arrest.

The stakes definately have to be raised there and I think Bert's idea of giving him a terminal or close to terminal illness would definately not only raise the stakes, but add an emotional element to the story, and could be why the other brother is so dead set on giving him the medication he needs.  I remember at the end, my dad was giving up and remember my uncle fuming at him to take his medication.

Of course, there's still the timeline element to fix up.  I'm wondering if you might just be able to tell a straight up heartfelt story, and not worry about trying to trick us and put a weird twist in there that's going to be hell to tell onscreen.

Those are just my thoughts while reading, though.

It's nice to see you back again, Tommy.

- Mark

Jeff, thanks for that, I will put it in the next draft.

Alffy, the drugs were to show that he is mentally ill, not sick as such. The rewrite will be more concise, hope you will be able to read it. Thanks for the feedback

Mark, thanks for the read. Yes, I might have to do some more research into a house arrest, or scrap it all together. I think the idea of him being sick (as you and Bert and others have suggested) only and unable to leave his house will work better, am considering having it in the rewrite. Thanks again, I hope I can write more stuff and will be back on the site more often!

**

I am coming up with a plan based on all the feedback thus far on a massive rewrite and I hope it will address most people's concerns. Watch this space!

Quoted from Dreamscale Tommy, yeah, the Flashback should be written as "DREAM" IMO, but then again, my main point is that it's a bit strange to have a dream coming from a dead guy.  I just don't see how that can ever work.

Hi Dreamscale,

I am the co-writer on this script. It seems you don't understand that the dream (or constructed reality or daydream or delusion, for lack of any better names for the concept) happens *before* he dies. Ultimately, he dies because he shoots himself. He shoots himself whilst under the delusion that his brother is in the room, struggling with him.

As he is mentally ill (probably suffering from a form of psychosis - which I know is not yet indicated in the script), this kind of delusion is not unusual. Being that the premise is that a mentally ill man has a delusion which involves a struggle and ultimately his own death, I don't think this is a bad idea on which to build a story.

Having said that, it is very obviously not clear in the script that any of what I've just explained is how the story should be read. The script will be re-written accordingly.

From my explanation, does the premise of the story now make sense?

My memory isn't like it used to be.  I have no clue what this is even about, as the last post prior to yours is 7 months ago.

Sorry.  Best of luck with the rewrite, though.