Gary,

This is a great first script.  The biggest problem I had was that it seemed like it should have been set in modern times.  Here are a few notes I took:

• The first paragraph doesn't read very smoothly.
  
  
• The second paragraph reads like a manual.  It's descriptive too a fault, and not very pleasant to read.  I'd write, "The dark stains on Harry's worn clothes match the color of his closely cropped hair.  Susie's plain white dress and golden hair, gently blow in the breeze."
  
  
• Susie's dialogue is stiff when she tells Harry that her parents lost their farm.  I'd go with something like, "I gotta move down to Texas with my Aunt and Uncle.  The bank's takin' our farm."
  
  
• I'm not sure how common lunch boxes were in 1932 Oklahoma.  I doubt most people had money for lunch boxes.  I need to check on this.
  
  
• Yearbook pictures weren't that common for elementary schools in 1932, depression era, Dust Bowl, Oklahoma.  A picture would have to be taken, then developed, then delivered back to the school.  All in a time before 1 hour photo booths and digital cameras.  I'd make Harry's goal something more tangible.  Something from the pawn shop or the general store.  A cheap locket comes to mind.
  
  
• If yearbook pictures are being taken TODAY, why does Harry go through all the trouble of getting a quarter the NEXT day.  Susie should say that the pictures will be taken in a couple of days.  That gives Harry time to come up with something.
  
  
• A quarter in 1932 is approximately $4.20 now.  That's pretty cheap for a yearbook picture.  I suggest that Harry needs as least a dollar.
  
  
• KARL:  Are you deaf, boy?  I'll hear no more of it!.  Sounds better like this, "You deaf, boy?  I'll hear no more."
  
  
• Harry running into a wheat field might be a problem.  If Millsap Oklahoma is in the panhandle of Oklahoma, then they would be in the middle of the Dust Bowl.  There wouldn't be any crops growing.
  

To be continued.

Jordan

Hi Gary,

The first thought that I had after I had finished reading your screenplay was that it was truly a film, with a well-written ending that left me thinking. You put a lot of effort into formatting your screenplay, and it shows, all the main characters had names and ages, and the screenplay flowed well from scene to scene. It was easy to visualize the story.

One thing that stood out for me was how distinct the dialogue was from the action, and how distinct each character's speech was from others', and that was the reason why I enjoyed reading the screenplay - it was truly like reading a good story narrated well by a person who has a hold of everyone's perspective while giving the reader an unbiased view of what everyone thinks / what their motive is. IMO, I felt it was well narrated.

Just one thing, please ignore if it has been pointed out:

• ROSCOE (CONT'D)
  Forget about her (,)kid.  You'll be
  better off, I promise ya.
  

All the best!

Angela, many thanks for the kind words!  I'm glad you enjoyed it!  Welcome to the site and look forward to reading some of your work here soon!

Gary

Hey Gary.

I saw this one hit the portal from you about a week ago and, having seen you around a lot on the boards lately, I queued it up.  I'm glad I was finally able to get to it today.

Hmm.  Karl.  Thornton.  A boy gets called a little prick.  I'm pretty sure they mentioned Millsap in the movie.  I'm seeing quite a few references to 'Sling Blade', not that I mind.  It is probably my favorite movie.

This was a great first story, Gary.  I liked it a lot.  You nailed the small southern town atmosphere perfectly, I think.  I kept reading, not knowing what was going to happen next.  Unpredictability is a great thing for stories to have, especially shorts.

If I'd say there's anything to work on here, it'd be the dialogue in the beginning.  The dialogue between Harry and Susie read very stale and matter of fact.  Also, between Harry and Karl, it was on the nose.

Where this story really kicked off, though, and I became totally interested, was the interactions between Roscoe and Harry.  I think that dialogue was, for the most part, perfect, probably because you knew those characters so well.  Yeah, it seemed a little weird for Roscoe to be telling him all this personal stuff and you might want to tone that down a bit if you ever come back to this one, but everything from Roscoe and Harry on was cleverly set up and well written.

Great job, Gary, especially for your first script.  Can't wait to see what else you post.

- Mark

Mark, thanks very much, I truly appreciate your comments and kind words.  Interestingly enough (and I might get thrown off the boards for this)--I have never seen Sling Blade, so that is weirdly coincidental!  Now I'm going to have to check it out and see if I've somehow absorbed some Billy Bob in me!

I agree 100% that the dialogue between the kids needs to be altered.  I guess the whole thing ran long and I was looking for places to cut, and I may have cut in the wrong spots.  I will definitely try to correct that and maybe reshape this a little bit.

Thanks again for the read,
Gary

Hey Gary,

I've seen your name tossed around here lately.
So, I thought I'd join the party and check out the rumpus.

This short is a gender bent "Paper Moon". Straight up.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070510/
Heck, you even went all dust bowl on the setting, just like that feature.
Not sure if you're aware of that wonderful Bogdanovich film.

The pages moved pretty well.
The dialogue's got some legs. Congrats.

But a grifter would NEVER reveal their nature unless it was to their benefit.
Looking at Paper Moon, the kid blackmails the grifter into taking her along.
You do that at the bank, but the earlier scene rings false.
I don't see why Roscoe would tell a rube kid squat.

The ending felt all wrong to me. Very heavy handed.
Which is odd for a tale that maintained a deft tone to that point.

To me, the conclusion would be more effective if Roscoe got away.
But he never gave his "cut" to Harry.
A dejected Harry heads home... Finds that silver half dollar in his pocket.
Roscoe slipped it in there before hightailing it out of town.

Good on you for creating an engaging tale.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

hey, gary, i loved your title. very cool, it drew me right in to read the script. i guess it works at a trick of this trade we're all trying to be a bigger player in. about the script itself. i was interested to read it, but within the first two pages, the dialogue pushed me back out of the theatre door. it just seems to me that the kids, susie and the boy, spoke to each other as adults. i'm not sure, but i've never met a kid who uses the word foreclosure in their speech. there were other lines similar, but that one, and, perhaps it's the times today in america, just shot of a cannon at me. a real red flag as to how the rest would have read, in my opinion. also, i feel that your action lines are overwritten. too, i think that you could have used those description lines much more effectively to convey the setting and time. possibly by doing a bit of research on the types of clothes worn during that period and then picking a few well-known pieces of wardrobe to highlight in your action lines which would have spoken to the "period" as this is a period piece. and, as it stands, the superimposition that appears after the dialogue has begun served a distraction on the page when i was reading your script. so, just maybe, the super could have appeared at the top of the 1st page to deliver a smoother and better effect. so, sorry, gary, i wasn't able to make it very far at all.

Gary

Decent work here.

I was immediately interested by the setting and time period, the inciting incident of Harry needing to come up with the money to give Susie the yearbook photo is a sweet and endearing one so it’s easy for us to get behind the protagonist’s mission…even if it means breaking the law.

SUSIE (CONT'D)
My parents lost our farm. The bank
is gonna foreclose. We have to move
in with my Aunt and Uncle down in
Texas.

- Would an 11 year old use the term “foreclose”? Maybe I’m wrong but I’d imagine her parents would’ve found a simpler way to explain what was going on to their daughter.

The introduction of Roscoe really enriches the read, an instantly engaging character. Who doesn’t like a grifter on screen!? I was amused by the back and forth between them, the old dog teaching the newbie the “tricks of the trade”. One could say, he is a little too open with the kid, telling him his illicit means of getting by but I think its fits the tone of the piece. The seemingly overt self-satisfied opinion Roscoe has of himself and his abilities supports this. I mean, pulling the wool over an 11 year old’s eyes with a sleight of hand isn’t exactly something to write home about but it’s clear you understand this and are intentionally depicting him that way.

HARRY
But don't you do that?

ROSCOE
Do what?

HARRY
Steal because of your wife and kids.

ROSCOE
What? No! That's different!

HARRY
(perplexed)
Why?

ROSCOE
It just is, you dumb kid. You'll
understand when you get older.

- I particularly liked this exchange, always good to show the so far infallible character get caught out once and a while by the trainee.

“In his haste, he fails to see a city bus moving rapidly down
the street, and he runs RIGHT INTO ITS PATH.”

- I thought we were in the small town of Mallsap? If so, what is a “city bus” doing there? Easily fixed anyway.

I’m not sure about how you take events after the con has been perpetrated. The dark turn of the last page seems at odds with the lighter tone that preceded it. I’m aware that it’s set in the depression era so things are pretty bleak but there was an uplifting, bantering manner to Harry and Roscoe’s relationship that I liked, it just seems a pity that it ended so badly with Harry literally stealing from a dead man!

Maybe this was your intention, to lull us into a false sense of security that Harry would achieve his goal at the expense of a rich person losing a couple of dollars, no big deal, the world keeps turning, before hitting us with the shocking final sequence. I dunno, it felt a bit heavy handed and deliberately trying to shock just for the sake of it rather than having an underpinning meaning or message behind it. Then again, I suppose what one can take away from it is that during times of hardship even kids look out for number 1 while  you can only get away with living on the wrong side of the law for so long before it catches up and you pay the ultimate price.

I was just disappointed that these characters and their fledgling relationship, which I had grown to like, came to such a tragic ending. One losing his life, the other losing his sense of right and wrong (even if he was in the process of thieving when Roscoe met him, this event will stick with Harry forever)…Of course, you can take this as a back handed compliment in that I was invested so much in the characters.

Col.

Well, I thought this one had fallen to the crevices of the back pages, so thanks for taking the time to read it, Col.

You're right, as others have pointed out, that Susie probably would have found a different way to express the loss of the farm.  When I ultimately go back to a re-write on this, that's the first thing to correct.

I'm glad you got into the characters and their interaction, and I understand your ambivalence on how it played out for both of them.  I think when I first imagined this, it was a simple "losing of innocence" story, but I kind of wanted to give it a little bit of a bite, and so I went a little dark there at the end.  Now, I will admit, E.D. had a great suggestion for an alternate ending, and I'm seriously considering reworking that into the re-write.

Thanks again for the kind words and the read!

Gary