Ah yes... that's a pretty neat idea with the brain closing down. I get that his friend forgetting could be down to his brain going awry... that's pretty clever when I think about it and is enough information. The issue here is getting your writing neatened up, because as it is, it's difficult to get to your story which is actually quite brilliant. Yes it needs some work, not just on the grammar etc, but also within the story itself... but this could definitely be filmed quite easily if cleaned up and a few drafts put in.

Dear Marcello, I am interested to make a short film based on your script. I sent a message but most probably it got into your spam folder.
Could you please contact me at s.bondareva@gmail.com

Thank you

I cut it down by four pages. Cleaned up some the typos and trimmed down on most of the dialogue. But It still says that S.S isn't receiving any script submissions at this time,

Quoted from Reel-truth I cut it down by four pages. Cleaned up some the typos and trimmed down on most of the dialogue. But It still says that S.S isn't receiving any script submissions at this time,

Do you know how to use dropbox? I could temporarily host your script for you if you want.

Marcelo,

Hey man. I almost didnt crack this open because of the page count, but this read really, really quick. Congrats on that. You action blocks were, for the most part, concise and descriptive. But they could be even better. You need to work on combining a few of them. Also, and I've said this before, you need to clean up your typos and such. But other than that?

Real solid story. I really liked this one. It was well thought out and well realized. Maybe the best I've read from you so far. You had such a good build up of Matthew's descent into madness. Every turn this guy took something didnt make sense. It went a long way to achieving sympathy for him. Not always an easy thing to do. That's why I liked this. When the reader can relate to the characters it makes it so much easier for the story to work, even when the story isn't the best thing about it. Your story was good, though, and that was an added bonus.

Excellent work on this. You just need to clean up some of those action blocks, condense, then do it again to make this really shine. And you seemed to have cleaned up your dialogue issues I spoke of in the past.   ...  ...  Whatever those things are called, they're gone, thank God.

Steve

Hey Marcello,

Is it offensive to say that your full name reminds me of an exquisite pasta? I didn't think so since you have more leverage for "swallow my noodle" pickup lines with that fact, but if it's offensive please let me know. Thanks.

I know you said you've made a lot of changes, but since the revised version isn't posted I can only review what's here. Forgive if I sound redundant in repeating potential errors you've already corrected.

• (p1) Interesting way of spelling what I would normally spell as "Matthew." I've never seen it with only one 't'.
  
• (p1) I normally put a space between a character's name and the parentheses containing his or her age so it was odd for me to read it without one. It's not a complaint as I'm sure there isn't a rule about it; it's strictly a personal gripe.
  
• (p1) "he is now one hundred percent awake." I think someone mentioned something about this already, but this line isn't necessary. Saying that he's "broken his good sleep" is enough to paint the picture of what he's doing.
  
• (p2) Why wouldn't Mathew look outside to pinpoint the source of the incessant beeping? At the very least he could figure out what was going on and suss out whether the truck would leave soon based on what he saw. It seems more reasonable than storming downstairs and out of the house to tackle a situation that may very well have dissolved by the time he's out there. Granted it makes sense from an overall plot point of view since this is a dream and the truck was never outside to begin with, but in the moment, story-wise, it sparked some concern from me.
  
• (p2) "I cant go back to sleep." "cant" should have an apostrophe.
  
• (p3) "Each with their name, each with a cute little sticker..." The sentence reads a tad repetitive. "Each with their name and a cute little sticker..." flows better.
  
• (p3) It's pedantic to mention but there a lot of unnecessary commas throughout the script. e.g. "Mathew fiddles with his tie, as he makes his way in the kitchen." Why would a reader be required to pause there? It's a single thought not a compound one so the comma need not be present.
  
• (p3) "Mathews" should be "Mathew"
  
• (p3) "You seen max around?" Dog's name should be capitalized. Also, in that same piece of dialogue I'm not sure why there's an apostrophe after gonna and there should be one in "cant".
  
• (p4) "out did" is one word
  
• (p4) Another faulty apostrophe in "gonna'"
  
• (p4) "EXT. DRIVING - MORNING." "DRIVING" is not a location, it's an action. "EXT. STREET" or "EXT. HIGHWAY" would be more appropriate. Perhaps even "INT. CAR." Whichever case you could explain that Mathew's driving in the following action line(s).
  
• (p5) "INT. PARSED REALITIES/WEBSITE DEVELOPMENT FIRM." Sort of the same situation as the above. If Parsed Realities is the website development firm you don't get to describe that in the slugline. You can have "INT. PARSED REALITIES" as the slug then elaborate that it's a website development firm (though I'm not even certain that's pertinent to the story) in action lines.
  
• Omit the apostrophe after "em'." It usually goes before the 'e.'
  
• (p6) How is Mathew on break when it seems like he just got there? What kind of job does he have? Seriously asking because I want it.
  
• (p7) No apostrophe in "em'" Max isn't capitalized in two instances. "Will" should be "We'll."
  
• (p Again, "max." Change "Your" to "You're," and I'm not sure why you opted to go with the colon after "EXT." Daring, but is it too much? Also there should be a period after Ms Moody in Mathew's first sentence to her.
  
• (p9) "He says your his..." Should be "you're."
  
• (p9) If Ms. Moody claims not to be Mathew's son's teacher, it doesn't "make sense" to take her word that his wife probably picked his child up. She clearly has no idea who this kid is. Unless irresponsible parent is a deliberate part of his characterization he definitely should have checked with other teachers, within the school, with other students, etc. I know it seems invalid since we know that this is all taking place in his imagination, but before we get there the points of the story should still make sense. As I read that I shook my head because what father concedes from someone who has no idea who his son is or what he looks that yes, indeed, he's probably enjoying some ice cream with his mother as we speak.
  
• (p10) "cruises alone down a usually busy stretch..." There's no way we could know that the road is usually busy nor can that be shown on screen. Writing that the jeep cruises alone is plenty to paint the picture of isolation you presumably were shooting for.
  
• (p12) For some reason Mathew grabbing Phil by the collar didn't seem to fit to me. I understand that it's a high stress situation and that at this point what he perceives as a practical has gone too far, but for whatever reason that level of aggression at this point in the story and from that character didn't fit. I can't really explain why.
  
• (p12) "your" towards the bottom should be "you're"
  
• (p13) Change "cant" to "can't" twice, "Your" to "You're", and "If" should be lower case.
  
• "see's" should be "sees" and there's an unwarranted period after "GARAGE" in the slug.
  
• (p14) "He starts to show signs of a hysterical breakdown." Show don't tell. This could mean anything. Is he hyperventilating? Is he crying? Is he walking through the streets in his underwear shouting, "I am a Jedi!"?
  
• (p15) Again, colon in the slug.
  
• (p16) Two "your"s should be "you're"s
  
• (p17) "Even though your not." You're
  

My notes were primarily grammar-related which you've stated to have already worked on. Hopefully they weren't just a waste of time.

Narratively I see what you were trying to do. That being said it didn't entirely resonate with me. It makes enough sense to not be problematic but I wasn't really affected by anything. I didn't care too much about what was happening because there was no build up or attempt to figure things out. Mathew simply was a reactant until the end where there's the reveal that he's really on life support.

What was the point? Sure, everything is slipping away in his mind because he's slowly dying. But why does that matter? What were you trying to tell us by showing us this injured man's gradually dissipating world? It just is, which I guess is fine if that's what you were going for, but for me I felt no attachment to it because even in the end there was no purpose to it. He doesn't wake up and realize the value of what he has. This isn't a cautionary tale. There's no mystery or intrigue it's merely one strange thing after another but it's random-strange not coherent-advancement-strange. I don't know if I'm making much sense here.

It was well-written though. It read quickly and aside for a few grammar gripes everything rolled off the page nicely.

It wasn't a bad story; I actually liked it. I simply didn't feel anything upon finishing. Keep up the good work however because technically you've got a nice thing going.

Most importantly, the pasta thing. I need a response.

Steve

Appreciate the read Steve, You actually read a few of my other ones, So if anyone could see my progression, it would be you. I've been trying to work on those typos, I think I fleshed most of them out on this new draft. Just got to post it.  The page length usually is an issue with me. After posting I re-read the story and noticed that some of the dialogue did run unnecessarily long in places. I condensed some of that down, even completely taking out a scene. Also, I reworked a chunk of the action/description. Which I felt made the story read even faster..

Glad you liked this one. It seems this one did far better than any of my other shorts. I did realize I have a pattern trending here.  My endings usually have some type of twist in them. It’s not even something I ‘m attempting to do. But I think with this one in particular I kinda’ had the ending in my head from page one.

Tendai

I definitely never heard that before., but seeing how it’s an Italian name. I guess it’s not too far of a stretch. And no it’s not offensive. I've heard much worse. I might even take that as a complement…lol

As for the spelling of Matthew….I didn't even notice how I was spelling it. The most common way to spell it is with Two T’s, as it is in the bible, But you still can spell it with One T. I guess it’s at the discretion of who the name belongs to.

Now I know I the newest version isn't up, so your review is reflected on what you can see. Perfectly understandable. I took out that 100 percent awake line, While I was writing this, that line always rubbed me the wrong way. I was always re-reading it. Not 100 percent satisfied with it…lol  And it seemed as if my initial hunch was correct as others picked up on it and broke it down.

I took out the school scene. As much as I wanted to include it in the story. I felt it wasn't absolutely necessary in moving the story along. It was just another scene to help illustrate the strangeness and mystery of this tale. (The build up). But for the purpose of page length. It had to go. I think it works better without it.
You raised some good points about the father giving up quite easily after a teacher that admitted on not even knowing who his children were suggested that they might be with his wife. A parent would have went into the school., asked around and such. Definitely agree with that. I think all that helped in me making a decision in scrapping that scene completely.

That “usually busy stretch of road” line., was a visual I was trying to convey to the reader, I probably should have said street. Like an avenue or such. A road can easily be desolate. However I believe a usually busy avenue would be easier to perceive. Or I could just drop that line and do what you suggested. I guess either way…

When Mathew grabs Phil by the collar, he’s at the point where he wants clarity on what’s going on around him. Things have built up some where he’s not in the mood to be fooled with. Which he thinks is what’s going on. But deep down knows something still doesn't sit right. I get your point, where it would seem as if that wouldn't fit. Seeing is how he hasn't showed aggression as of yet in the story. But it’s not as if I said he punched him in his face.

“He starts to show signs of an hysterical breakdown, as he aimlessly walks in the street.” Maybe I could have explained visually the hysterical breakdown, but I thought the fact that he was walking aimlessly in the street, would have explain that. Or at least give the reader a glimpse of his emotional state.

You make sense on random strange as opposed to advancement strange. That was the tone I was shooting for. But I feel as if it might be  a bit of both. As it does appear to be random, everything that is fading away from him are the memories of ppl and things that are close to him. His immediate family. The things that he loves the most. One by one. And as he might not have woken up and realize the value of what he had. He does recognize that fact while he is about to die. His last moments in his head. And for the purpose of the ending, most importantly the last line, to have him wake up and hug his wife and appreciate his life in that way wouldn't have served the ending of the story as much as the way that I had originally written it.

Glad you took time out to give this a read. I’m not sure “ swallow my noodle” would go over well as a pick up line. It most likely would be followed up with a SLAP. Besides I don’t think she would get the coloration between the noodle and my name sounding like pasta. You might be the only person ever to make that connection. Btw,  last name means “Of Men” in Italian. If it was “primavera“…than yea I would get the pasta thing.

~~Marcello

I very much liked the concept of this story. It kept me engaged through the whole read and I felt compelled to keep reading.  

Before I would film a script like this I think putting in a moment where the protagonist tries to figure out what is happening (he could succeed or fail) but in turn drives himself more mad in the process.

I personally didn't think the dialogue stretched on too long as some others have said, as performance is what really brings a written piece like this to life, and you really want to spend the time letting the characters shine on screen.

I really enjoyed it!  Anyways, that's just my input. Happy writing!

Just uploaded the new draft. Hope it pops up soon.

I liked the start with the truck. There's format bits and the like I could gripe about but I'm not in the mood. I might be later if you really want to know.

However, I'll point out on p4 you meant - geeks. Lose the apostrophe.
This one on p12 does need fixing as it's a big point. Should be - 'but you're not.'

At the end I felt it got good. The idea's been done in various ways. I think I did it myself a good while ago, a fact that will about have as much interest to you as knowing what I had for breakfast.

This might be more interesting... It also reminded a bit of Eternal Sunshine, which is always a good thing. I watched a disc of award winning short films from around the world a good while ago. The thing that struck me was the good ones get where they are going fast. There's little fat, almost everything in there is important.

With this it could get there in half the time. If it's more that ten pages it's too long, in my humble.

I thought it was pretty good. But it'd work a lot better if you got brutal and cut it back to the bones.

R

R

Appreciate the read pal.  I agree with you in the fact about the stories that quickly engage you. Especially if it’s a short. However in this one,  I had to have a few scenes in the beginning  to help illustrate an ordinary day before things began to go a stray. It was originally 18 pages. So I did cut it down by 4 pages. But at this point,  I cant even  make any more revisions on this because I sold this script a few weeks back. Should be shot this summer. I’m hoping it turns out  well.. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for the read,
Marcello

Marcello,

You're welcome. Hope it turns out well. Not my business I suppose, but how much did you get for it? I'd insert one of those emoticon thingies after that question, but it'd make me feel a little queasy.

Of course the other way to go with this story would be make it feature length. Christ knows there's a lot less in a lot of movies I've sat through lately.

R

Marcello,

I totally took this story the wrong way. Of which I'll explain after I throw out some kudos.

Despite the rash of typos and such, your story sailed along at a brisk pace. Once things ceased to exist in Mathew's world, I was hooked and buckled in.  The flow of moving from his work place, to the scene with his neighbor, to the flashback of what took place on the road, kept the story lively.

Your script had a very Twilight Zone feel to me.  I do like TZ. I was reminded of an episode called, "Wordplay."  Maybe you caught it way back when.
Robert Klein is this guy whose world is in sudden free-fall because the English language as he (we) know is changing. For example, he struggles to understand how/why the word "dinosaur" has suddenly replaced the word "lunch." Other familiar words are also being substituted and redefined.
Anyway, I'll get back to Wordplay after I make my point.

I think I get what Tendai is saying about not connecting emotionally with Mathew's journey. I'm a little on the fence, too.  What I think is missing is poignancy.  Back to the TZ story, "Wordplay." The poignancy factor in this story is that while Klein is resisting change and fights to understand why the English vocabulary is being universally mangled, it takes a critical event to wake him up.  That event is when his young son falls ill and is rushed to the hospital. Klein finds himself unable to communicate with the doctors.
His wife explains the situation. The boy will live.

The poignancy is that Klein must relearn words and terminology starting with the basics. He goes home and reads one of his son's books on ABCs.

SPOILERS***
As I was reading "Fade Away," I was piecing the story in my head and saw what I thought was a poignant twist. You open with Mathew and his wife in bed, sleeping. He hears the beeping, she doesn't.  I thought both were in a coma. It looks as if you are foreshadowing his need to come out of the coma.  Beverly's inability to hear the beeping, I thought was your foreshadowing that she was not going to survive.
(I missed that part with Mathew talking to his wife on the phone at the time of the crash. I thought she was in the car.)  What struck me as a really cool idea was that the wife dies in the hospital, but was still communicating with Mathew on a spiritual level. On page 8, daughter Stacy tells Mathew that Mommy is "in the hospital."  On page 9, Phil has no recollection of Mathew being married. That seemed to imply "death," as in Beverly no longer existing.
As Beverly is talking to Mathew, initially I imagined she was beckoning him to live for the children. On page 14, Beverly tells Mathew, "It's time for you to wake up." I took that to mean one of them had to survive for the kids.  But the more I read into that, I could see you were going in a different direction.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.  
The story is still interesting. The pacing for the most part is good. Some overruns on dialogue.  Fix the grammatical errors and you should be fine. Good luck.

Abe