SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 13th, 2018, 2:05pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Blank Canvas Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Blank Canvas  (currently 4757 views)
Don
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12549
Posts Per Day
1.93
Blank Canvas by Howard Jensen (colkurtz - Short, Comedy, Drama - A passionate though bumbling, first-time politician struggles to navigate the PR circuit in the run up to the local elections. (18 pages) - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3804
Posts Per Day
2.43
Overall - a nice effort with a solid theme. A few suggestions:


Quoted Text
EXT. ROAD - CONTINUOUS

1)At least TWO POSTERS to every POLE all along, sometimes
2)THREE...different faces, same ďVote #1Ē appeals and smiles.
3)WOMEN #1 & #2 (mid 60s) stand in front of Angusís poster.


To me - the scene changed between 2 and 3 - above. I thing you need a slug there. Something like: EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY

IMO - throughout the script there are way too many instances of the character's  dialogue being interrupted. It became a real distraction. Hardly anyone completes a sentence.

The scene where Angus is at the radio interview - several blocks of dialogue went a little too long - I think you could clip them down a bit.

Although the ending is fine - I think there is room for a twist here. As it is, Angus just kind of falls into the fortunate circumstance of being the hero. You could add a twist - something like, maybe Sheila and Colm conspire to set up the event that made Angus a hero - knowing that he would bumble away the campaign without it. Just a thought.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 36
Tiger
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
13
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hello Howard

You know what? I thoroughly enjoyed that. I laughed at several points and found the whole thing delightful.

I enjoyed the beginning with the women at the posters, but I think you can work a bit on how you introduce your main character. Having trouble choosing a tie is a rather clichéd and boring way of introduction, and as the wife doesn't really have any function other than saying that he should go with another tie, I think you could make something more out of their relationship. This would also pave the way for a bigger scene with her towards the end, as she only pops up again to say "stop", before she's gone again. Maybe it could turn out that she was one of the hooded robbers, and she's just hiding away the outfit when he comes back, but he never knows it was her? That could be a really quirky and cute way of showing her devotion.

The interrupted dialogue didn't bother me, but I agree with eldave1 about the lines in the radio being way too long. I get that you want to show just how boring he can be, but it worked a little too well, as you started to bore me as well. It's probably interesting if your audience are all locals who actually recognize the issues he's talking about, but for me as a reader who's not familiar with any of it, it felt rather alienating. Ironically, I think it might actually be more interesting if you make his speech into more of a generic political babble, and spice it up a bit with some satire for amusement.

I found the title is a bit misleading, as it gives the impression the main character would be without much to say, which isn't really the case, so you might wanna see if you can come up with a few other possibilities there too. Robbed Votes?

All that being said, I would still like to congratulate you on a great little script. A few screws could be tightened here and there, but I've seen much worse short films nominated for Oscars. =)

Revision History (1 edits)
Tiger  -  March 30th, 2015, 5:08am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 36
RichardR
Posted: March 30th, 2015, 9:28am Report to Moderator
Green


Posts
933
Posts Per Day
0.63
Howard,

Sometimes comments are as empty as a politician's smile.  Read with care.

This is a  nice little idea about a neophyte wannabe in the world of small-time politics.  I'll buy it.  I think, however, that is is much too long.  Much of the chat between Angus and Colm is info dump for the audience.  These two have gone over this many times.  Why would they rehash?  Give them a conversation they might have--are the trout biting these days?

The radio station bit goes too long.  Make the points you want--and they can't be the same ones he's made with wife and Colm--and move along.  Same goes for the door-to-door pitches.  Actually need 5 different doors to knock on?  all with dialogue?  The audience gets it.  Get to the door that makes the difference.

And showing his reluctance to be a hero works for me.  He's an accidental hero.  Great.  And he becomes the favorite.  I buy it.  The bookend old ladies work too.  Just make their comments shorter.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 36
StevenClark
Posted: March 30th, 2015, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1704
Posts Per Day
0.81
Hey Col,

More self assured writing from you, I see. I really like the prose in your action. It's not overdone, and adheres to screenwriting format, but is very colorful and stands out. Good job there.

Very funny, too. As soon as I saw his say the word Messiah I know Angus had put his foot in his mouth yet again. And you played it out well with the door-to-door campaigning.

I feel this piece could have been longer if you chose to introduce us to a couple of his running mates. I believe they were alluded to but you could have really run the gamut here and basically kept the exact same storyline you have now. I only say that because it might have been fun to read what you would have come up with. But I understand why you kept it the way it is.

Funny that for as innocent as the remarks were that got Angus into trouble, the event that changed his fortunes seemed almost as innocent. I saw Angus as a buffoon, yet he did have a redeeming quality about him that changed him in the eyes of his would be constituents, who seemed like they were just waiting for him to do or say something smart... Or brave.

Yet, in the end he's labelled an opportunist. Is anyone ever happy?

Overall, this was very enjoyable, Col.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 36
colkurtz8
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 9:28am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1581
Posts Per Day
0.43
David

Thanks for taking the time and sharing your thoughts.


Quoted from eldave1
To me - the scene changed between 2 and 3 - above. I thing you need a slug there. Something like: EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY


- Hmm, I donít think so. We are still on the road. I envisaged the camera showing the posters all along it before panning left/right/down to reveal the women in front of Angusís one. Even if there was a cut we are still on this particular road.


Quoted from eldave1
IMO - throughout the script there are way too many instances of the character's  dialogue being interrupted. It became a real distraction. Hardly anyone completes a sentence.


- Fair enough. True, I often interrupt the dialogue because firstly it feels realistic, and secondly, in most cases it will indicate the more dominant character within a given scene. Sheila cuts off Angus numerous times because she clearly wears the pants in that relationship. Angus cuts off Colm because he is the alpha male in those scenes. This dynamic applies between the DJ and Angus and when Angus is going door to door too. Any interruptions are consciously done to signify this.


Quoted from eldave1
The scene where Angus is at the radio interview - several blocks of dialogue went a little too long - I think you could clip them down a bit.


- I anticipated this would be a problem for some and as Tiger recognized below itís meant to be long winded and rambling. Angus is a wannabe politician after all. These guys have nothing but their words. This script was originally conceived when I heard one of these interviews on a local radio station in the build up to local elections during last summer. The guy literally started talking about himself as if he was doing a job interview. It was both comical and cringe worthy.

Although that conversation does run on for nearly 4 and half pages and seems indulgent it was carefully constructed. I see it as spanning five movements; firstly Angus goes on about himself, his wife, his job, how much he is part of the parishís fabric as per the interview I heard which inspired this. Secondly, Phil cuts him off and leads him into talking about his competitors which have already been set up previously. Here we see Angus being somewhat politically savvy by complimenting Noreen and commending Cyril for ďthrowing his hat into the ringĒ. This of course, is a direct contrast to his petty bit?hing to Colm earlier. Thirdly, Angus gets to talk about his policies and ideas, echoing what he preached to Colm but with some notable differences such as blaming Dublin HQ for the townís problems which also contradicts what he said to Colm in the privacy of his car. There he bemoaned the apathy of the parishioners. This again was to show Angus isnít completely clueless in the PR arena, Sheila has taught him well. Itís always wise to blame a third party than your electorate. It also gave him a chance to address the printing error which had been set up already. Fourthly, Phil asks him about his slogan which again had been primed earlier, this is when Angus makes his verbal slip up which leads into the last movement of the conversation whereby Angus has ironically lost his voice, rabbit in the headlights-esque. You see, everything up to now had been rehearsed by Angus from his notes but as soon as there is an unexpected deviation, he's stranded.

So while I canít deny itís a verbose scene, thatís exactly the point, itís a reflection of the character. Plus, all those long dialogue passages have a place within the narrative.


Quoted from eldave1
As it is, Angus just kind of falls into the fortunate circumstance of being the hero. You could add a twist - something like, maybe Sheila and Colm conspire to set up the event that made Angus a hero - knowing that he would bumble away the campaign without it. Just a thought.


- I like that idea of Sheila and Colm orchestrating the break-in to glorify Angus but I wasnít really going for a twist ending here. The ďfortunateĒ way that Angus foils the robbers was totally intentional and Iím glad you picked up that. In the public eye Angus is a hero but we know heís not. He initially fled the scene and although he had that vital change of heart, he had locked himself out of the house by then, effectively sealing Mrs. Hoganís fate. Youíll notice that the robbers unwittingly collide with Angus because he just happens to be there. Then only because Colm and the guy walking his dog are nearby does the robber flee. So in essence, Angus didnít really do anything, it was your classic ďright place at the right timeĒ but of course the media story will only focus on his perceived heroics without worrying too much about the specifics.

Thatís the central theme here. Just as he was ripped apart for his minor slip ups with the leaflet and what he said on the radio (I intentionally made them slight mistakes; no f-bombs, n-bombs, racial slurs or homophobic remarks necessary) he is equally held up as a hero for equally flimsy reasons. They are only interested in black and white, good or bad, winner and loser, yah or nay, narratives.

I guess the media has always been that shallow but it seems the landscape is particularly reactionary now, especially with the advent of social media. Someone says a choice phrase or expresses an opinion which might not suit the general consensus and he/she is tarred and feathered with a sickening amount of vitriol. That person better apologize on some chat show and fast or face being ostracized indefinitely. Thereís an unprecedented level of righteous shaming and outrage in todayís culture thatís very disconcerting, people are just ready on the wings to pounce on anything.

So the only way Angus could possibly overcome the bad press was by doing something this heroicÖor in his case fall into it, an accidental hero. The minutiae are irrelevant, just the broad strokes please! Again, the inadvertent nature of the act was done on purpose to highlight this. Shelia recognizes the situationís fragility, knows Angus is ahead right now and that itís best to just stay out of the way and let the good will carry you home on voting day.

This theme carries through to the bookended scene of the two women at the end who comment favorably on Angusís (the hero) features which previously (when he was seen as a joke) were judged in a disparaging light by the other two.

Thanks again for your comments, much appreciated. My responses probably feel as overwritten as the script Sorry.

If Tiger, Richard or Steven are reading, I will respond to you, asap.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 36
Dustin
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4809
Posts Per Day
2.48
Code

He holds up TWO SUIT JACKETS of varying shades of navy, debates...selects the DARKER SHADE...moves onto FOUR NECKTIES laid on the bed of varying shades of navy, MUTTERS to himself.



I keep shouting mid sentence. It's like being at the markets. Mumble along for a while with sudden "6 for a pound, lovely jubly" shouts interspersed. A style choice... but I find it annoying to read. Why is it so important that he has >>FOUR NECKTIES? or that he selects the DARKER SHADE? The only thing that should be capped there, if you're of the mind to, is MUTTERS... but I even find that a stretch, not just because I feel that uppercase isn't needed, but because I don't have any idea what you mean by it. Is he muttering in a bad way, or a good way? He's already selected the suit he is going to wear, so what is he muttering about? Is he fidgety muttering? Nervous muttering?

Why is it important that he selects the THIRD DARKEST tie?

It's so irritating to read... but you write well, the conversation flows naturally. The characters real. IMO, you'd be better off leaving out such devices. Maybe he does select the third darkest tie, but why does it have to be the THIRD DARKEST? Why highlight it as though it's important when it really isn't?


Code

Angus nods, stares hard at the mirror, focuses...continues flossing.



This is an awkward image. Why would he stare at the mirror? Do you mean his reflection? Why is he staring hard at the mirror?

Code

Angus MUTTERS to himself



This needs clarification for me. It's a tell. Ah.. OK... do you mean that he's muttering what he says in dialogue directly after you tell us this in action? It doesn't work. It looks like he's muttering to himself and then going on to talk out loud. The mutters would be best served in parenthesis within the dialogue, IMO.

Code

Angus sits at the TABLE, eats cereal. Heís dressed, combed and flossed, reads a CRUMPLED PAGE of NEWSPAPER, sullen.



This is an awkward couple of sentences. Lacks flow.

Code

Another CAR comes against them, another big salute from Angus.


Huh?

At this point of the story, I'm struck by the notion that I'm dealing with an excellent writer who's putting too much thought into their action lines... overthinking their active status. The dialogue flows, smooth... but the action has missing words and/or strange sentence structure that is obviously placed there due to wanting to write as actively as possible. In so doing, you're actually accomplishing the opposite and making it more difficult to read. You're taking things too far. You need to keep the flow in your action too.

I'm also thinking at this point that this seems more like the intro to a feature rather than a short.

Code

MALE PASSERBY (40s) passes...


What passerby could resist?


I enjoyed that mate. A nice story. I think this is a decent premise for a sitcom.

Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 36
Iancou
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
163
Posts Per Day
0.09
Col,

Liked it. Other than paring down the action and dialogue for length (as others have noted), you nailed the feel of the situation and the characters were well developed. I hope you revise this and repost.

Ian


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 36
colkurtz8
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 4:13am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1581
Posts Per Day
0.43
Tiger

Thanks for the read, man.


Quoted from Tiger
You know what? I thoroughly enjoyed that. I laughed at several points and found the whole thing delightful.


- Cheers, glad you got some laughs out of it. Its intended be satirical and a bit silly first and foremost.


Quoted from Tiger
I enjoyed the beginning with the women at the posters, but I think you can work a bit on how you introduce your main character.


- I figured opening with the image of him on the poster was the quickest and most visual way to set him up. In those five lines you get a pretty vivid introduction to him without any dialogue. His name, his job, his appearance, his mandate (i.e. the slogan) and that heís not been taken seriously (i.e. the graffiti)


Quoted from Tiger
Having trouble choosing a tie is a rather clichéd and boring way of introduction,


- Perhaps. I was trying to focus on the superficial aspects of the political circus. You can just imagine these people mulling over something so surface as the colour of their tie, suit, etc. Because Angus isnít the sharpest tool in the shed, he really needs to ensure he at least looks the part so he fixates on it.


Quoted from Tiger
and as the wife doesn't really have any function other than saying that he should go with another tie, I think you could make something more out of their relationship. This would also pave the way for a bigger scene with her towards the end, as she only pops up again to say "stop", before she's gone again.


- I tried not to draw too much attention to it but suggest that Sheila plays an influential part behind the scenes in Angusís campaign, the silent partner if you will. An advisor who just happens to be his wife. In that opening scene she guides him through his preparations. As well as helping him choose the tie, she keeps him focused, tells him on what to say and what to avoid, reminds him to floss, stops him from dwelling on the printing error.

Then at the end, she understands that since Angus has found himself the darling of the people after his accidental intervention in the robbery he is best to keep his mouth shut for fear heíll undo this good fortune with another faux pas. I liked having her as this dominant force in the background but not in an official capacity. I mean, itís not like she goes to the radio interview with him and is on standby with prompts.


Quoted from Tiger
Maybe it could turn out that she was one of the hooded robbers, and she's just hiding away the outfit when he comes back, but he never knows it was her? That could be a really quirky and cute way of showing her devotion.


- Mmm, I dunno if that would work. Itíd have to be a pretty good disguise and just think of the practicalities in pulling that off. Mrs. Hogan would have to be in on it and the likelihood of Angus recognizing her would be too great. Plus, this is more about the fickle nature of public opinion and phoniness of public image and persona rather than their relationship. Itís an amusing suggestion all the same though, thanks. I just think it belongs in a different script.


Quoted from Tiger
The interrupted dialogue didn't bother me, but I agree with eldave1 about the lines in the radio being way too long. I get that you want to show just how boring he can be, but it worked a little too well, as you started to bore me as well.


- Ha, yeah you understand why it is long winded and I know you mean this as a criticism but Iím taking it as a compliment Angus is meant to be dull and his speeches perfunctory and rehearsed. I gave a more detailed response to my intentions with this scene in my reply to eldave1 above if youíre interested.


Quoted from Tiger
It's probably interesting if your audience are all locals who actually recognize the issues he's talking about, but for me as a reader who's not familiar with any of it, it felt rather alienating. Ironically, I think it might actually be more interesting if you make his speech into more of a generic political babble, and spice it up a bit with some satire for amusement.


- Although, there are hints in this script that Iím Irish in regards some of the turns of phrase and character names, I made up everything that Angus spouts on about concerning the townís problems. So it shouldnít alienate. He talks about bad roads, lacks of a neighborhood watch and petty crime, all fairly universal issues that plague towns which most should be able to relate to.


Quoted from Tiger
I found the title is a bit misleading, as it gives the impression the main character would be without much to say, which isn't really the case, so you might wanna see if you can come up with a few other possibilities there too. Robbed Votes?


- This is a fair point. Basically I tried to combine the connotations of stupidity which come with the phrase and the double meaning for canvas. Yes, he does have things to say but I tried to give the impression itís been primarily fed to him by others. Heís really more of a mouthpiece, trotting out these ďissuesĒ in that stilted manner I mentioned earlier but there is not much going on behind his eyes. Thatís where the ďblankĒ comes from. Heís like an empty vessel being filled with policies from other sources such as the customers where he works and Sheila. There is very little of his own observations or philosophy. Of course ďCanvasĒ relates to the political practice of canvassing which he engages in during the second half of the script. I do see your point though. Iíll think about an alternative, thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks again for checking this out. I donít think Iíve read a script of yours so point me in the direction of anything you might have on here.


Richard


Quoted from RichardR
This is a nice little idea about a neophyte wannabe in the world of small-time politics.  I'll buy it.  I think, however, that is is much too long.  Much of the chat between Angus and Colm is info dump for the audience.  These two have gone over this many times.  Why would they rehash?  Give them a conversation they might have--are the trout biting these days?


- I see where youíre coming from but the idea is that Angus is running over his conversation with Colm in preparation for the radio interview with Phil. This is the dry run where he can be a bit looser and less PC. As I mentioned in a previous post, there are subtle but important alterations between what Angus says to Colm and what he preaches to Phil. If this was just a normal drive for them on an average day, then yes, it would seem very on the nose and expository but the important difference is the purpose of their journey. Youíll also notice that Colm, ever the sycophant, readily agrees with everything Angus says in an almost automated way. As if to suggests heís heard the same righteous ranting before many times.

Plus, itís got to do with character dynamics.  Angusís scenes with Colm are the only ones where Angus is the dominant force, the smartest guy in the room, if you will. So there is an element of him relishing and exploiting this.


Quoted from RichardR
The radio station bit goes too long.  Make the points you want--and they can't be the same ones he's made with wife and Colm--and move along.  Same goes for the door-to-door pitches.  Actually need 5 different doors to knock on?  all with dialogue?  The audience gets it.  Get to the door that makes the difference.


- Iím not trying to shortchange you but Iíve explained in detail my process behind the radio scene in a previous post to eldave1 if you want to check that out. Yes it is long, yes there is repetition but there is a point to all that. It reflects the character and the nature of these interviews. I could probably lose a door, alright


Quoted from RichardR
And showing his reluctance to be a hero works for me.  He's an accidental hero.  Great.  And he becomes the favorite.  I buy it.  The bookend old ladies work too.  Just make their comments shorter.  


- Iím glad that worked for you although I see him more as an accidental hero than a reluctant one. Heíll take any good press he can get! The old womenís comments at the end counterpoint the ones at the beginning. Each feature the women at the beginning commented on negatively is addressed by the women at the end in a positive way. It plays into the theme of how easily public opinion can be swayed, its fickleness.

Thanks for the read and your thoughts, Richard. Much appreciated.


Steven


Quoted from StevenClark
More self assured writing from you, I see. I really like the prose in your action. It's not overdone, and adheres to screenwriting format, but is very colorful and stands out. Good job there.


- Thank you, Iíve always went by the ďtake what works for you and discard the restĒ approach. I take a lot of care in how I format my scripts and try to keep it consistent but Iím not a stickler for it in other peopleís scripts. If it reads well I donít complain. The majority of format criticisms are counter-intuitive.


Quoted from StevenClark
Very funny, too. As soon as I saw his say the word Messiah I know Angus had put his foot in his mouth yet again. And you played it out well with the door-to-door campaigning.


- Iím glad you got some laughs out of it.  As I said above, this is meant to be more comedic than anything.


Quoted from StevenClark
I feel this piece could have been longer if you chose to introduce us to a couple of his running mates. I believe they were alluded to but you could have really run the gamut here and basically kept the exact same storyline you have now. I only say that because it might have been fun to read what you would have come up with. But I understand why you kept it the way it is.


- Yeah they are referred to but I never considered introducing them physically. The events chiefly take place over a couple of hours, except the last two and half pages so I wanted to keep it tight and contained. True, if I was to expand this they would certainly be developed but political satires been done before many times by far more well informed people than me so I doubt I could bring anything new to the table.


Quoted from StevenClark
Funny that for as innocent as the remarks were that got Angus into trouble, the event that changed his fortunes seemed almost as innocent.


- Iím so happy you said this, man. The harmlessness of his remarks was exactly the point. Itís a comment on the outrage culture we will live in today where people are shamed for saying relatively innocuous things just because they might not fit with a widely accepted opinion. I made Angus slip ups very minor and silly to illustrate that mentality. Some people who I sent the script to have asked why I donít make him say nigg?r, or fagg?t but that would be too easy and commonplace, plus make his ridicule and derision more understandable. I wanted to highlight the absurdity of the media and public latching on to such insignificant mistakes.

Angusís redemption in foiling the robbers was intentionally accidental and comical again to indicate that the public and media donít care about the complete story. They just want clear lines, no grey area or ambiguity. Just give them someone to champion, a heroÖor someone to point the finger at, a villain and theyíll run with it.


Quoted from StevenClark
I saw Angus as a buffoon, yet he did have a redeeming quality about him that changed him in the eyes of his would be constituents, who seemed like they were just waiting for him to do or say something smart... Or brave.


- Ya, heís an idiot whoís just sort of fumbling his way through this. Heís a little self righteous and overly earnest but I think he generally means wellÖfor a would-be politician. ..so I guess thatís not saying much.


Quoted from StevenClark
Yet, in the end he's labelled an opportunist. Is anyone ever happy?


- Again, Iím very happy you picked up on this. That although the prevailing public is ready to embrace Angus and see him in a whole new light on the basis of his perceived heroics, there will always be the few who see right through the media hoopla.

Thanks for checking this out, Steve. Itís gratifying when someone recognizes your scriptís intentions. Glad you got some kicks out of it too.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 36
colkurtz8
Posted: April 13th, 2015, 11:15am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1581
Posts Per Day
0.43
Dustin

Thanks for checking this out, man.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

He holds up TWO SUIT JACKETS of varying shades of navy, debates...selects the DARKER SHADE...moves onto FOUR NECKTIES laid on the bed of varying shades of navy, MUTTERS to himself.



A style choice... but I find it annoying to read. Why is it so important that he has >>FOUR NECKTIES? or that he selects the DARKER SHADE?


- Why any number you could ask? I just went with four, it couldíve been 3 or 5. I made him select the darker shade to highlight his lack of boldness. His tendency to play it safe, to be bland and boring. Itís addressed in the subsequent line by Sheila.


Quoted from Dustin
The only thing that should be capped there, if you're of the mind to, is MUTTERS... but I even find that a stretch, not just because I feel that uppercase isn't needed,


- Like you say, itís a style thing. I always appreciate caps in otherís scripts to emphasise key element or props in a scene being used by a character or even features in a room so to give you the broad strokes of the setting.  That way, there is less chance of readers missing them.


Quoted from Dustin
  but because I don't have any idea what you mean by it. Is he muttering in a bad way, or a good way? He's already selected the suit he is going to wear, so what is he muttering about? Is he fidgety muttering? Nervous muttering?


- What follows the ďMUTTERS to himselfĒ action line? Its Angusís dialogue as he rehearses what he is going to say to Phil. From the moment we meet Angus he is going over his ďlinesĒ for the radio interview. Nearly every time there is a break in the conversation or he finds himself alone he goes back to reeling off his speech. I thought that was pretty clear on the page. I envisage him muttering inaudibly to himself, picking up his place in his notes where he was interrupted the last time (presumably by Sheila) When he finds it, it becomes discernible dialogue as he continues.


Quoted from Dustin
Why is it important that he selects the THIRD DARKEST tie?


- The same reason he picked the darker shade suit jacket as I mentioned above...and the same reason I chose navy to be the colour. Unremarkable, inoffensive and non-descript.


Quoted from Dustin
It's so irritating to read... but you write well, the conversation flows naturally. The characters real. IMO, you'd be better off leaving out such devices. Maybe he does select the third darkest tie, but why does it have to be the THIRD DARKEST? Why highlight it as though it's important when it really isn't?


- As youíll have seen when you read on, the caps are consistent throughout.  I use them to highlight sounds, props, dominant features of a setting to give the skimming reader a shorthand visual overview of the scene. Hopefully youíll learn not to attach too much significance to everything I capitalize when you grasp the pattern.

Iím not being contrary or striving to be unique in adopting this style. I merely take what I see done in other scripts which work for me and adopt them in mine. This is one such technique.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

Angus nods, stares hard at the mirror, focuses...continues flossing.



This is an awkward image. Why would he stare at the mirror? Do you mean his reflection? Why is he staring hard at the mirror?


- I donít think itís awkward within the context of the scene. Look at the preceding dialogue from Shelia before she leaves; she warns him about not letting Phil lead the conversation, instructs him to stay away from ďyou know whatĒ topic (the ďneighbourhood witchĒ printing error) all of which Angus takes on board, focuses himself...before lapsing back into his rehearsals. Frankly, I donít see how that jars, itís organic to the dynamic of these scenes and characters. Weíve already seen Angus in practice mode and Sheilaís dominating influence in the last page.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

Angus MUTTERS to himself



This needs clarification for me. It's a tell. Ah.. OK... do you mean that he's muttering what he says in dialogue directly after you tell us this in action? It doesn't work. It looks like he's muttering to himself and then going on to talk out loud. The mutters would be best served in parenthesis within the dialogue, IMO.


- I hope I explained myself above what I intended here. Itís like a gibbering preamble before he picks up where he left off in his rehearsals.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

Angus sits at the TABLE, eats cereal. Heís dressed, combed and flossed, reads a CRUMPLED PAGE of NEWSPAPER, sullen.



This is an awkward couple of sentences. Lacks flow.


- Really? It wonít surprise you that I disagree I think itís visual and as terse as it can be for all the information thatís in there. We know where heís sitting, what heís eating, his appearance, whatís heís reading and his mood...all in less than two lines. Maybe Iím cramming too much in for some people.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

Another CAR comes against them, another big salute from Angus.



Huh?


- We have already seen Angus salute a previous car. Being the budding politician, he wants to be everyoneís friend. In this case, another car passes and he offers another ďbig saluteĒ with a ďHow are ya, MaryĒ. Perhaps your confusion is coming from the term ďsaluteĒ. In Irish parlance, it means a wave or a gesture of acknowledgement to another individual (if we want to get all dictionary definitive about it ) Youíre probably thinking of it strictly in the military sense.


Quoted from Dustin
but the action has missing words and/or strange sentence structure that is obviously placed there due to wanting to write as actively as possible. In so doing, you're actually accomplishing the opposite and making it more difficult to read. You're taking things too far. You need to keep the flow in your action too.


- I see your point and I can appreciate that my prose can be a little idiosyncratic, staccato or missing words as you say but all the essentials are in there. It comes from reading too much baggy prose in other scripts. Drawn out, counter-intuitive sentence structures and redundant words with ďandĒ being the biggest offender and ďtheĒ a close second. Iíve paired down my writing to a minimalist aesthetic, just the necessities. It works for some, not for others but I believe in it and can stand by it which to me is the most important thing.


Quoted from Dustin
I'm also thinking at this point that this seems more like the intro to a feature rather than a short.


- There is potential for expansion but Iíve no plans to at present. IĎd like to think it functions as a self contained piece right now.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

MALE PASSERBY (40s) passes...



What passerby could resist?


- Ha. True, those fu?kers are always at it!


Quoted from Dustin
I enjoyed that mate. A nice story. I think this is a decent premise for a sitcom.


- Yikes, a sitcom, no thanks but I appreciate the suggestion.
     
- It appears you were distracted a lot by the writing since you barely mentioned the story which is a pity for me but Iíll have to make peace with that and chalk you down as a naysayer regarding my style.
     
Thus, it must have been a chore for you to read, apologies for that. Either way, thanks for taking the time and offering your thoughts, much appreciated.


Ian


Quoted from Iancou
Liked it. Other than paring down the action and dialogue for length (as others have noted), you nailed the feel of the situation and the characters were well developed. I hope you revise this and repost.


- Thanks for checking this out Ian, glad you got something out of it. I'll look to trimming it down when I tackle a rewrite.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 36
DS
Posted: April 13th, 2015, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
377
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hey Col, glad to see another one of yours up.

Apart from just the script, I found reading your analysis in the responses below fascinating. The amount of thought you put into the script and discussion on them is always worth the read.

I liked how the script was basically a commentary on the election circus, particularly liked the opening/ending shot of old ladies having a go at the pictures. I was sold on the location and you created a believable and vivid image of Ireland and the characters in my head along with a nice light family-friendly tone, great job with that.

I think it's somewhat of a rarity to see characters such as Angus, I can't think of anyone to compare him to in fiction. That was part of the charm of the script for me. I liked the Mrs's dominance and Colm was funny, although his rant went overboard on the beginning of page 14 and didn't click for me as much with his character.

So, yeah, I definitely liked this and I don't have any negative to say. However, I can't help feel that the script is doing itself a disservice as a short. A wide number of characters, landscape, pretty expensive to shoot and it just feels to be a part of something bigger to me, despite seeing how well it comes full circle now. I don't know, I think you should make this into a feature or a pilot. It's clear that you do the light family friendly tone really well from this script, along with the Irish feeling -- I think this could be an excellent writing sample for you if you extend it.

Just my £0.02. Good luck!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 36
Dustin
Posted: April 13th, 2015, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4809
Posts Per Day
2.48

Quoted from colkurtz8
Dustin

Thanks for checking this out, man.



- Why any number you could ask? I just went with four, it couldíve been 3 or 5. I made him select the darker shade to highlight his lack of boldness. His tendency to play it safe, to be bland and boring. Itís addressed in the subsequent line by Sheila.


No... not the number, why place it in uppercase? It's the uppercase I find distracting.



Quoted Text

- Like you say, itís a style thing. I always appreciate caps in otherís scripts to emphasise key element or props in a scene being used by a character or even features in a room so to give you the broad strokes of the setting.  That way, there is less chance of readers missing them.


I don't read scripts, never have... aside from the ones I read here, of course. I don't agree that readers miss important information just because you haven't capped it. Even if I did, I cannot see the importance of some of the things you have placed in uppercase, hence the distraction.




Quoted Text
- What follows the ďMUTTERS to himselfĒ action line? Its Angusís dialogue as he rehearses what he is going to say to Phil. From the moment we meet Angus he is going over his ďlinesĒ for the radio interview. Nearly every time there is a break in the conversation or he finds himself alone he goes back to reeling off his speech. I thought that was pretty clear on the page. I envisage him muttering inaudibly to himself, picking up his place in his notes where he was interrupted the last time (presumably by Sheila) When he finds it, it becomes discernible dialogue as he continues.


I'm trying to picture the image and it evades me. I cannot understand why or what you mean by his muttering. He mutters inaudibly. So he just moves his lips? I'm sorry, I just can't see it.




Quoted Text
- The same reason he picked the darker shade suit jacket as I mentioned above...and the same reason I chose navy to be the colour. Unremarkable, inoffensive and non-descript.


Yes, but why is it so important that it needs to be capped?


Quoted Text
- As youíll have seen when you read on, the caps are consistent throughout.  I use them to highlight sounds, props, dominant features of a setting to give the skimming reader a shorthand visual overview of the scene. Hopefully youíll learn not to attach too much significance to everything I capitalize when you grasp the pattern.


But you said earlier that you cap to add significance, although using the word important, it amounts to the same thing. You cap to draw attention to the words. Yet, I'm at a loss sometimes, why.


Quoted Text
Iím not being contrary or striving to be unique in adopting this style. I merely take what I see done in other scripts which work for me and adopt them in mine. This is one such technique.


Fair enough.




Quoted Text
- I donít think itís awkward within the context of the scene. Look at the preceding dialogue from Shelia before she leaves; she warns him about not letting Phil lead the conversation, instructs him to stay away from ďyou know whatĒ topic (the ďneighbourhood witchĒ printing error) all of which Angus takes on board, focuses himself...before lapsing back into his rehearsals. Frankly, I donít see how that jars, itís organic to the dynamic of these scenes and characters. Weíve already seen Angus in practice mode and Sheilaís dominating influence in the last page.


No. I just didn't understand what you meant by he staring at the mirror. Is he staring at somebody else's reflection? Maybe his eyes are drawn elsewhere before refocusing on the mirror? I feel that if you mean he stops focusing on himself, yet still stares at the mirror, that this is an awkward image to write and unnecessary when you can simply have him drawn to another object.




Quoted Text
- Really? It wonít surprise you that I disagree I think itís visual and as terse as it can be for all the information thatís in there. We know where heís sitting, what heís eating, his appearance, whatís heís reading and his mood...all in less than two lines. Maybe Iím cramming too much in for some people.


Here is the block again:

Code

Angus sits at the TABLE, eats cereal. Heís dressed, combed and flossed, reads a CRUMPLED PAGE of NEWSPAPER, sullen.



I was actually referring to how passive the second sentence is. How do we know he has flossed?

Code

Another CAR comes against them, another big salute from Angus.



My 'huh?' was because of the way it is written. A car comes against them? You can do better than that. A car drives alongside them? Comes against? What does that exactly mean in terms of cars that are moving? It's a difficult image to get right. You obviously know what it means, but I don't. I wasn't confused about the salute. I just don't know what comes against means in this respect.


Quoted Text
- I see your point and I can appreciate that my prose can be a little idiosyncratic, staccato or missing words as you say but all the essentials are in there. It comes from reading too much baggy prose in other scripts. Drawn out, counter-intuitive sentence structures and redundant words with ďandĒ being the biggest offender and ďtheĒ a close second. Iíve paired down my writing to a minimalist aesthetic, just the necessities. It works for some, not for others but I believe in it and can stand by it which to me is the most important thing.


Fair enough.


Quoted Text
It appears you were distracted a lot by the writing since you barely mentioned the story which is a pity for me but Iíll have to make peace with that and chalk you down as a naysayer regarding my style.
     
Thus, it must have been a chore for you to read, apologies for that. Either way, thanks for taking the time and offering your thoughts, much appreciated.


No, I was distracted in the beginning, then settled in to enjoy the story. This type of story is not really my thing, but I found it pleasant enough that I read all the way through and even smiled a few times. I could never write a story like this so it's difficult for me to say much about it aside from whether I liked it or not. I did.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 36
MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 14th, 2015, 5:12am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
1392
Posts Per Day
0.69
Hey Col,

Great imagery of the poster. The name Angus McGinty does actually sound like an independent politician.

For some reason I imagined the two woman commenting on the poster sounding like the guys from Monty Python when they put women's voices on. It made me smile.

Maybe give the two women names, it would help me identify with  them more.

Angus and Sheila introduced nicely, it's flowing along quite smoothly.  There's a lot of ellipses in the action and dialogue. I don't suppose there's anything wrong with that it's just an ellipsis in a script normally means a train of thought that has just sort of drifted away...whereas here they also seem to signify natural pauses. A minor niggle though.

Another minor niggle, lots of-- interruptions. It could get a bit tiresome.

The characters were rich, well rounded and realistic. I understood everything that was going on and could visualise the scenes perfectly. You describes small town politics and the people who live in such rural areas perfectly and this was a good tale of how the public's perceptions can change dramatically on a whim.  

You can sense there's a but coming along so here it is. But, the comedy as such for me is extremely light.  I liked Angus, but I felt more sorry for him than maybe I should. I neither laughed at him nor with him.

He only makes one bumble and that is the messiah comment, the Witch issue was out of his control, yet he's described in the logline as a bumbling first-time politician.

There's potential here for a 'Last of the Summer Wine' type sitcom, the problem is the characters are too realistic and it's more drama than comedy. Maybe that was the intention but there were moments when it was an effort to read rather than a joy; the radio interview for example. There could have been a lot more comedy here but all we have is Angus boring us with the usual politics speech that we've all heard many times.

All it would take is slight tweaks to turn this into more comedy than drama.

I also don't think the name Blank Canvas represents what this story is about, although I get the intent of it.

Another solid effort though from you Col, you never fail to impress.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

Revision History (1 edits)
MarkRenshaw  -  April 14th, 2015, 5:28am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 36
Athenian
Posted: April 17th, 2015, 12:19am Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
207
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hi Col,

Really nice job with this one. It is clear that you have full control of your narrative when you write. You know what you're doing and why.

My only gripe is that the robbery scene isn't totally plausible in my eyes. The robbers having left the door ajar, not looking out to see if anybody is coming, not noticing AngusÖ It seems that these guys aren't very clever or experienced either, are they? What if the curtains on some window weren't entirely closed and Angus saw them through it, for instance? Just an idea.

Also, when Angus finally decides to intervene, what is his plan exactly? To confront the robbers alone? I'd expect him to call the police first, at least, and ask Colm for help. Otherwise, he puts Mrs. Hogan in even greater danger, trying to play the hero. Perhaps this is something you could stress though: That Angus was lucky enough not only to become a hero by accident, but also not to become the hero he intended to. That would have been a disaster, most likely.

Finally, I don't mind interrupted dialogue, but I would avoid interruptions like: ďWe're just dropping by, hopping you'll keep me in mind fó". It would probably be better if the reader could figure out what the full word would have been.

Anyway, I liked the script a lot Ė especially, your portrayal of Angus. You managed to make him likable despite all his flaws. Who knows, perhaps I could even vote for him.

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 36
colkurtz8
Posted: April 19th, 2015, 12:38am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1581
Posts Per Day
0.43
First off sorry, for the delay in responding, had a very busy week.


Marko

Thanks for checking this out.


Quoted from DS
Apart from just the script, I found reading your analysis in the responses below fascinating. The amount of thought you put into the script and discussion on them is always worth the read.


- Ya, I always try to respond in as much depth as per someone's comments on the script. Whether they're interested enough to read it or not is their choice but I think itís the least I owe them for taking the time to read and comment. Also, itís a good way for me to articulate my intentions.


Quoted from DS
I liked how the script was basically a commentary on the election circus, particularly liked the opening/ending shot of old ladies having a go at the pictures. I was sold on the location and you created a believable and vivid image of Ireland and the characters in my head along with a nice light family-friendly tone, great job with that.


- Thanks, yeah, itís also more a general comments on public perception too and how fickle and reactionary it is. The broad stroked narrative that can make or break an individual. How quick people are ready to vilify or champion someone for the most spurious of reasons. Not exactly a new theme I know but I think itís ever more prevalent today in the age of social media where people can sit at their computer, spit out 140 character long opinions instantaneously and within seconds millions of people may be reading and disseminating them. The political realm is obviously a good place to explore this because the stakes are a little higher. Where a personís success relies so much on their public image.

The important difference between the old ladies at the beginning and the end is their opposing opinions on Angus. The former note, what they perceive to be, his faults, purely superficial of course because at that time he is seen as incompetent and a bit of a joke. While at the end, when he has been heralded as a hero (although we know heís not) these other women make the same shallow, aesthetic observations but now their tone is much more complimentary.


Quoted from DS
I think it's somewhat of a rarity to see characters such as Angus, I can't think of anyone to compare him to in fiction. That was part of the charm of the script for me.


- Cool, thanks, yeah heís kind of the likeable idiot, harmless. Heís inept and rather tactless first and foremost. This is partially down to the fact that itís his first time running so heís raw but heís also just one of those guys who means well but often manages to put their foot in it. I tried to make him genuinely passionate and enthusiastic too so you would understand why he would run for this job and to make him a little more likeable. Although he inadvertently foils the robbery and initially flees, it was his sense of duty to turn back and face the robbers but also his perseverance to even go to Mrs. Hoganís door in the first place after Colm had given up. However, I also see him as petulant and provincial in his dismissal of his competitors and a little too self righteous when spouting off about the problems of the parish both to Colm in the car and Phil at the radio station. So heís a character of contradictions both positive and negative.


Quoted from DS
I liked the Mrs's dominance and Colm was funny, although his rant went overboard on the beginning of page 14 and didn't click for me as much with his character.


- Yeah, I liked that shifting dynamic of Sheila dominating Angus in their scenes together while Angus is the dominant one in his and Colmís scenes. It was fun to play around with how a characterís attitude can totally change depending on who they are interacting with.

Ha, yeah, Colmís breakdown is a little dramatic but that was the intention. It was meant to be comically over the top. He has just seen Angus getting ridiculed by each one of the parishioners and has reached his threshold. The guy looks up to Angus, heís his sidekick, hangs on his every word so it kills him to see Angus treated like this. Also, Colmís capitulation allows Angus to step up to the plate and show his resolve in continuing to go door-to-door. As I said, itís Angusís determination here which is ultimately rewarded as he intervenes in the robbery and becomes the toast of the parish.


Quoted from DS
However, I can't help feel that the script is doing itself a disservice as a short. A wide number of characters, landscape, pretty expensive to shoot and it just feels to be a part of something bigger to me, despite seeing how well it comes full circle now. I don't know, I think you should make this into a feature or a pilot. It's clear that you do the light family friendly tone really well from this script, along with the Irish feeling -- I think this could be an excellent writing sample for you if you extend it.


- A few have said this actually which I never anticipated as I see it as a self contained story and right now I have no plans to expand it. Primarily because I donít think there is anything new I could bring to the political satire genre to justify a feature. While I concede that itís an awkward length for a short I donít think it would be expensive to make. There are only four interior locations; Angus and Sheilaís house, Colmís car, the radio studio and Mrs. Hoganís house while the exteriors are mainly peopleís front porches.

Thanks again for taking the time and your thoughts, glad you liked it.


Dustin


Quoted from Dustin
No... not the number, why place it in uppercase? It's the uppercase I find distracting.


- Ok.


Quoted from Dustin
I don't read scripts, never have... aside from the ones I read here, of course.


- So that means you do read scripts. You got over 2200 posts!


Quoted from Dustin
I don't agree that readers miss important information just because you haven't capped it.


- Not always of course but I see it happen a lot. Important details can get lost in a sea of monotonous looking prose. Even in just a block of three lines. Iíve been guilty of it myself reading other scripts and itís happened to me with folk reading mine. I think itís safe to assume that the majority of people reading scripts, read them quickly. Prose-wise, youíre not there to bask in the writingís aesthetic qualities, thatís what novels are for. Which is why brevity is king for so many, they want the reading experience to be nearly as fluid as watching the film itself.

I donít mind prose heavy scripts as long as the writing is worthy of it. I enjoy good writing full stop and read much more prose than screenplays but since Iím far from a good writer I use the least words possible so thereís less chance of my deficiencies being exposed. There is nothing worse than an overwritten script littered with clunky phrasing and bad grammar. Thatís the epitome of delusion, not recognizing your own limitations.


Quoted from Dustin
Even if I did, I cannot see the importance of some of the things you have placed in uppercase, hence the distraction


- Like I said, itís more about highlighting the key points in the visual make-up of a scene. Iíll take the block of prose in question:

ďHe holds up TWO SUIT JACKETS of varying shades of navy, debates...selects the DARKER SHADE...moves onto FOUR NECKTIES laid on the bed of varying shades of navy, MUTTERS to himself.Ē

- A quick glance at that and registering the capped words tells you very quickly what Angus is doing. Youíre right, in the grand scheme of the story these arenít significant details, itís just Angus getting dressed after all. However, for this particular scene, they are the essence of whatís happening on screen, what weíre seeing so within that context they are all that matter for now. My goal is clarity, communicating the primary images of a scene with only a cursory skim.

As I acknowledged, itís not to everyoneís tastes and Iím cool with that.


Quoted from Dustin
I'm trying to picture the image and it evades me. I cannot understand why or what you mean by his muttering. He mutters inaudibly. So he just moves his lips? I'm sorry, I just can't see it.


- Fair enough. Have you ever seen someone mutter to themselves and not catch what theyíre saying, as in talk under their breath? Think of a Muttley from the Dastardly and Muttley cartoon or your average wino vagrant Angus is in rehearse mode here, going over his lines like an actor before an audition.

Iím not ignoring the next two comments by the way, itís just they go over ground already covered in my answer above so Iíll only be repeating myself.


Quoted from Dustin
No. I just didn't understand what you meant by he staring at the mirror. Is he staring at somebody else's reflection? Maybe his eyes are drawn elsewhere before refocusing on the mirror? I feel that if you mean he stops focusing on himself, yet still stares at the mirror, that this is an awkward image to write and unnecessary when you can simply have him drawn to another object.


- I guess I didnít think I needed to specify he was looking at his own reflection, I figured that would be assumed. Especially in light of what Sheila has just said to him. Heís psyching himself up, taking a long hard look at himself in the mirror, etc, so itís appropriate that heís looking at himself. Again, itís about context within the scene, that is important. I will change ďstares hard at the mirrorĒ to ďstares hard in the mirrorĒ though as it seems more apt but I donít think further direction is needed.


Quoted from Dustin
Here is the block again:

Code

Angus sits at the TABLE, eats cereal. Heís dressed, combed and flossed, reads a CRUMPLED PAGE of NEWSPAPER, sullen.



I was actually referring to how passive the second sentence is. How do we know he has flossed? .


- On a purely straightforward level, we know he has flossed because we saw him doing it in the last scene. On a more aesthetic level itís to give the impression of Angus being ready to go out on the trail. Itís like when you say someone is ďin their Sunday bestĒ for an event or a woman is ďprim and properĒ. They can be seen as somewhat abstract or vague language but it instantly stirs up an image of that person because of its connotations. That was the intention behind the ďdressed, combed and flossedĒ phrase here, itís emblematic of Angusís careful attention to superficial preparations. Heís all set for the day ahead. Some might see it as a redundant aside but I feel it earns its place because of the visual it conjures up.


Quoted from Dustin
Code

Another CAR comes against them, another big salute from Angus.



My 'huh?' was because of the way it is written. A car comes against them? You can do better than that. A car drives alongside them? Comes against? What does that exactly mean in terms of cars that are moving? It's a difficult image to get right. You obviously know what it means, but I don't. I wasn't confused about the salute. I just don't know what comes against means in this respect.


- Ah I see. This must be an Irish colloquialism then. If we are in a moving car and a vehicle ďis coming against usĒ it simply means its approaching towards us going in the opposite direction. Iíll see about clarifying that in a more universal way. Thanks.


Quoted from Dustin
No, I was distracted in the beginning, then settled in to enjoy the story. This type of story is not really my thing, but I found it pleasant enough that I read all the way through and even smiled a few times. I could never write a story like this so it's difficult for me to say much about it aside from whether I liked it or not. I did.


- All good, I was just curious as to why the bulk of your remarks focused on technical minutiae with little to no mention of the story as a whole. Iím glad you got a few smiles out of it anyway as its meant to be satirical above anything, a bit of a laugh.

Itís interesting that you say you could never write anything like this. Iíve noticed from the stuff Iíve read from you that its dark, gritty dramas you gravitate towards or perhaps feel most comfortable with. I was like that for a long time too in that the vast majority of my scripts were dramas which often ended tragically. However, in the past couple of years most of my shorts have taken a much more humorous tone. The cynicism remains, it just has a different inflection now. This was a conscious decision to lighten things up and see if I could diversify.

My features are still as depressing as ever though

Anyway, it could be worth exploring yourself. You got a sense of humour, right

Thanks for the back and forth, man. I love discussion like this, itís the main reason I post on here.

Cheers.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 36
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006