Transforming You by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - Caught wearing his roommates underwear, a controlling landlord will find himself in trouble as he pretends to be transitioning into a woman to stop her from going to the police. 10 pages - pdf, format

Well that took a turn for the worst! Holy crap that was brutal.

I enjoyed the story, great twist at the end.

There are issues with the writing and formatting.

Way too many wrylies. I think you can get rid of almost all of them and rewrite them into the action.

You misspelled STAIRCASE in a big way in one of the slugs.

It's over written in parts and some of the dialogue is on the nose.

I'm not sure he would out himself in the way he did.

Overall, I think the story is solid. It just needs to be cleaned up a bit.

The only thing I don't get is how can someone who cried so much over her dead brother, be such a psycho? Otherwise, I enjoyed this. Maybe it could do with more development, as it gets towards the end?

Simon,

You had me, and then you lost me. I was enjoying this for the most part until the brutal ending, which, for me, really came out of left field. If a character is going to perpetrate such a horrific act of violence, I think you need to at least give us a hint of the characters darker side. How about when James is trying on Samantha's panties, he finds something in her suitcase. Something mysterious/ sinister, which suggests danger. You might want to put a brief description about Jame's appearance. In other cases, it might not matter, but once you put a man into woman's panties, in front of a full length mirror, we need something to visualize.

I also thought that you were going to tie Samantha's parent's circus past into hers somehow. Maybe she grew up being an expert knife thrower - Think what you could do with that in the final scene?

All in all, an interesting premise I could see this being reworked as a vicious dark comedy. More laughs and less horror.

Best

Quoted from RonH Simon, ...once you put a man into woman's panties, in front of a full length mirror, we need something to visualize.

I can visualise that ... I'm off now to poke out my mind's eye...

Sorry, what I meant was, it starts off with a relatively slow (not too slow) pace, then as it goes on, lots of different stuff happens, and lots of emotions are expressed quite quickly. I thought maybe it could do with maybe an extra page. They were just my first impressions. Having read it again, I've changed my mind. Whoops.

Some notes.

The slugs go from man's house to James' house and back.  Pick one and stay with it.  There are some spelling errors, so this needs a scrub.

This one reminds me of MISERY, where the writer becomes the captive of Kathy Bates, the helper from hell.  While I know this is a short, I think you jump to the brutality too quickly.  That's me.  

the dialogue is far too direct for the most part.  I prefer hints.  But I do like the lying on both sides of this.  People lie soooo much.

Best
Richard

Hi, enjoyed the read ... a bit of feedback below.

The opening scene with Chelsea establishes James is a bit of an asshole and that he was up to no good. For a moment I reflected on that maybe she wanted a bit of romance between them then he got caught spying on her so went to his default transforming defence - but no, that doesnt seem to be the case.

You could probably accomplish all you set out to achieve in a page in one paragraph by just showing Chelsea packing her bags furiously and leaving and half heartedly chased by James. And then he puts a ROOM for RENT sign back up in the front window.

I like how she kinda pushes him into the transitioning corner and starts dressing/making him up - think you could expand this a little.

To me, Samantha being a psycho and bawling over her brother is fine.


On Page 9 when James wakes up with blood trickling down it could be cool if Samantha has dressed him up in a skirt and made up his face ...


I dont know how far you want to delve into backstory, but it might help if Samatha targeted him for a reason --- you know, maybe she knew a girl he assaulted previously ... but I guess then its a revenge tale and that wouldnt fit. Or maybe she was a GUY who is an old school friend but now shes a girl and has a doting crush on him. Dunno, just saying there could be a deeper motivation here as opposed to a random event.


Like the others say, a lot of wrylies here and the dialog could use a trim to distill it right down and a bit more subtext.