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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Men are Trash
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Don
Posted: May 10th, 2018, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Men are Trash by Thimmy Bagfelt - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - Ebru executes a murderous and ingenious plan to treat men like the trash that they are. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 10th, 2018, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Thimmy,

There doesn't seem to be much motivation for Ebru to go on this killing spree of men. It just kind of seems to come out of the blue. Maybe make the customer on the phone in the first scene a male? And maybe have him make some sexist comments to her? This will at least give her SOME motivation to kill men.

Killing her husband, was also out of the blue. Just because he asks for dinner, he gets killed? He should be more forceful. "Make me food, woman" or something like that. Really bring out the misogyny in these male characters to give Ebru that true motivation to kill them.

Then, followed by the 'creepy guy' who I don't even know what his character is supposed to be. Is he some sort of clean up crew for women tired of their husbands? Why does he show up after she kills John and help her dispose of the body? Did they have some sort of conversation after the awkward silence they had at the bus stop? This whole script feels incomplete.

There's definitely room for expansion here. And I'm not sure what the scene index serves at the end of the script. Do you plan on shooting this?


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DanielW
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Thimmy,

Suggestion:

What about if Ebru arrives home and finds her husband in bed with another women? She snaps and then shoots him and the girl.
Not knowing what to do next, she calls the creepy guy she met at the bus stop, who comes around to help.

I think you need a bigger reason to kill your partner, than, “I’m hungry”.

Daniel
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Forgive
Posted: May 16th, 2018, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Sometimes you have to decide how much you're going to hide and how much you're going to show, and the risk in this is being too obscure so only you know what's going on; in that case, in telling a story you haven't told or said anything of meaning.

The deal at the bus-stop is fine as the reader can deduce the low-life has entered into the trade; even the killing of the husband can be accepted as the reader can accept there is a hidden and necessary motive; and the handgun which implies it was pre-planned (even while the meeting at the bus-stop implies it wasn't) can be forgiven, but I couldn't help wonder what kind of name was Ebru ... is this a mixed race marriage?
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Thimmy
Posted: May 17th, 2018, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Either I failed to communicate the humor in the story, or we don't have the same sense of humor. Giving Ebru stronger motivation by making the men truly bad would remove the humor.

It's (supposed to be) funny because Ebru overreacts. Her life is mundane and the men in her life are mere nuisances. In response she murders them without hesitation, remorse or even emotion, as if the murders were chores, like throwing out the trash (hence the relaxed tea break). The motivation for Ebru is simply to rid herself of men, not because it's justified, but because they're annoying.

The motivation for the creepy guy is sex with Ebru. He too is not the least bothered by the moral or legal aspects of murder. It's a strange world.

The index at the end is included in the template I use, but yes, it's useless here.

Ebru is a Turkish name, taken from a friend who I originally intended to act as the protagonist.

Thank you for the constructive feedback! I really appreciate it!
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Fausto
Posted: May 18th, 2018, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Thimmy,
strange but attractive script. What is saw is the difference between her grey every-day life and her subconscious life...kind the two colors, grey, and red. It can be interpreted as a psychological, comedy script. Well, this is my personal interpretation.
My best,
Fausto
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Kirsten
Posted: May 21st, 2018, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi Thimmy,

I read your explanation and I get what you want to come across in the story, but there's not enough information there to convey it... It just needs subtle hints thrown in here and there to show us she has no need for men before all the killing. Such as more negative interactions with men doing stupid things... so we really understand her distain. And maybe when she shoots him, she says something along the lines of 'I'm so tired of you people". Just to let us know she's had enough but not in a revenge way, a taking out the trash way. And then it's still shocking.

I found the scene where the creepy guy comes in too abrupt. He takes the body out too quickly. This needs a little more added. There's nothing in the scene to indicate he wants sex especially if it's his main goal here. She could give him a look to move the body, some kind of interaction.

Anyways, keep at it, keep reading keep writing keep learning!
Cheers K


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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