Hey Mark

1977 - did this need a super? Flashback?
Bridge viaduct - this may be true but it is a little clunky, would "bridge" suffice
Youngstown - from this and other threads I'm getting a real image of this place. I'll try not to visit!
Just wondered whether you needed to name the extra blokes on the bridge, just seemed to complicate matters
Dissolve to? Needed?
I liked the differences in the cops between the years - nice parallel of deterioration

End - I am a little mixed on this. On the one hand it is in tune with the script, muted, low key, downbeat and nicely avoids the obvious of him drinking, or killing himself. All good. Indeed, it is probably the best ending, it's just I has a sense of "so what". Maybe that's harsh.

Why did he go back that day! Why did he buy a bottle vodka to smash the last window - to be remembered maybe, but this is someone presented as having pride (lawn, garden, not drinking) . He has a rational self which this action seems to contrast with. It's not as if he has mates to show this to etc

Time has caught up, he has run out of money, so I'm wondering why this rational, controlled person is doing this 40years after they last did it. Possibly a type of final goodbye (why not earlier) or final revenge (what's the point) a last sense of identity (he has control of this with his actions) so in short I'm not sure why he has done this, and what it means. Love to hear your thought process.

The final twist of him going to a shelter, or whatever it's called, again is a low key, depressing result. Even the proud can fail if the odds are against them. Maybe that's the right tone for this, but it just feels like it could have more...just not sure what.  That's helpful of me!

Finally, the title. In many ways this not about him, but rather the town, the consequences of the Mill being shut down and a town's life being ripped apart. The name Burnside doesn't mean anything to me, so i just wonder whether other titles could be more effective?? I suppose I feel that if you use a persons name, the suggestion is that it is all about them. Is it?

Anyway just some thoughts.

When you going to write a comedy?

Cheers

Hey Mark,

We've now got a trio of depressing tales on the boards lately.
I guess we all deal with the holiday blahs in our own ways.

P. 5
No need to re-confirm the age of your characters in this flashback.
You already covered that on page four.

This has got that signature flow of yours.
It's clearly written by someone that knows these streets.
And that's a big help in a narrative with sparse dialogue.
I bet you could probably smoke any location scout in your area.

I suppose Oscar felt justified in cheating to smash the window.
Why not?
It seems that the economy cheated him. So, why not cheat back?
It's the American Way and the only recourse for a man crippled by capitalism.

Honestly, I wasn't moved or depressed, just felt... realistic to me.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Steve.

Never heard of Burnside the show before.  I'll have to check it out.  It's actually a family name.  My mom's grandfather's last name is Burnside.  We're long time descendants from General Ambrose Burnside, who was a horrible general, but had some AWESOME facial hair.  (He's where we got the name 'sideburns' from.)

Anyway, thanks for checking this one out.

Yeah, I guess Oscar did cheat a little bit.  But, he was cheated out of his pension and that's how he lost his house, so... one good turn deserves another, I guess.

Oscar calls him Ernest because he doesn't really want to talk about going to the old bars, so he cuts him short.  Eventhough he's buying a bottle of vodka, Oscar has no plans returning to the old life.

I didn't mention it in the script, but there are more clothes and necessities in the duffel bag also.  Transients staying at the mission here in Youngstown are only allowed one trash bag of clothes and one back pack if you have to change during the course of the day.  The trash bag has to stay up in the bunks and you can carry the book bag with you.  (It's not always an enforced rule... but sometimes staff can be pricks.)

Thanks for taking a read and I'm glad you enjoyed this one, Steve.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Oscar calls him Ernest because he doesn't really want to talk about going to the old bars, so he cuts him short.  Eventhough he's buying a bottle of vodka, Oscar has no plans returning to the old life.

This rings true.  Many people who have partied hard, I think, at some point, move on.  Not everyone.  Some things just never change, but some people do.  I believed Oscar had moved on, giving Ernie the cold shoulder, because that life is over and done with.

I’m a sucker for any script with a character who has a dark past in alcoholism or drugs so I opened this right up and enjoyed everything about it.  Bleakness was well depicted.

Quoted from Irish Eyes How the hell are ya?

Things are shit.  :-)  But I'm doing good.

Yeah, my wrist has already been slapped for the no 'Fade In'.

As for the doing nothing from age 30's to 70's, Oscar's been one of the luckier ones and was able to find work again here and there.  He tells Ernie that in the liquor store.  But, now that he's retired, and since the mill rescinded their pensions, the money's running out on him and he can't quite make the payments for the house anymore, that's why the banks take it over and that's why Oscar takes this little detour before he goes to the mission.

Thank you for the compliments, Mark.

Quoted from Irish Eyes Either way, your writing is excellant and I should read some more of yours... any recommendations?

Hmm.  Well, unfortunately, I don't have any comedies in my arsenal, (I really don't like writing them.)  But a lot of people have enjoyed 'A Few Will Find This Difficult'.  I'm pretty fond of it myself.  It's actually in production right now with a company in New York.

Thanks again for the read, Mark.

Hey Bill.

Thanks for checking this one out and letting me know your thoughts.

As for the 1977 super, I've been kind of experimenting recently on whether 'SUPER' is necessary or not the way I'm formatting it.  I'm kinda liking it without, as long as the idea that it was a flashback is delivered.

Yeah, I don't think I needed to go into first and last names with everybody on the bridge.  I just wasn't sure if I'd go back later in the script and reference them again, so I named everybody.  It does get a little confusing as to who's who, though.  I should clean that up.

This is just a little victory for Oscar just to make him feel better about his situation, and since he's the only one enjoying the victory, I can see how it is a little anti-climactic.

He chooses that day just because it's a pit stop on his way to stay at the mission.  The banks are taking over the house now (because of the notice on the door).

I did toy with a couple other names, like 'Blight'.  (We have a program in effect here in Youngstown called 'Removing the Blight', where they're tearing down all the abandoned houses in the neighborhoods.)  Ultimately, I chose 'Burnside' because I kinda wanted to celebrate the heritage on my mom's side of the family.

Thanks again, Bill, for reading.  Sorry you had mixed feelings about it, but I do understand it is a very low key story.

- Mark

Hey Brett!

Tell me about it.  I've came across a lot of serious, moody, and depressing stories as of lately.

I LOVE IT!!

Quoted from E.D. I bet you could probably smoke any location scout in your area.

As crappy and depressing as it is here, it really is an inspirational place to write.  Unfortunately, I might be too exact with the location in my stories as of lately.  They've gotten a lot of great response from directors, but they don't have the setups that are available here for easy filming.

Anyway, I admit I did try make this piece more realistic than entertaining (I usually do, probably to a fault).

As always, thanks for checking this one out, Brett!

Hey Reaper.

Almost didn't see you there.  Welcome to the site!

I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'm a sucker for those kind of stories, too.

I think I saw one of your stories was just posted as well.  I'll be sure to check it out over the next couple of days.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Thanks again, Bill, for reading.  Sorry you had mixed feelings about it, but I do understand it is a very low key story. - Mark

Hey Mark,

Sorry if you got this impression as its not quite true. I was taken with this, but it did throw up lots of questions, which i couldnt always answer, which if I may say, is often a decent sign. It leaves its mark.

After a few tweaks,  this will be even stronger.

Cheers

Quoted from Mark 2 Hmm.  Well, unfortunately, I don't have any comedies in my arsenal, (I really don't like writing them.)  But a lot of people have enjoyed 'A Few Will Find This Difficult'.  I'm pretty fond of it myself.  It's actually in production right now with a company in New York.

I read that one already... I'll dig through your selection


Mark

Mark

I really liked this. Some might find it too bleak but no one can deny the emotional punch it delivers.  Which it achieved, not through a grandiose set piece, a big dramatic ending or some sentimental Kodak moment of catharsis but rather through an understated grace and realisation of a life passed by, the decaying of a time and place, preserved only in memory, even if that nostalgia is reduced to a particularly poignant flashback, all beautifully judged in my opinion.

Thankfully, I’m not from a rust belt city crippled by the heavy industry slump but this transported me there. I was completely engaged in Oscar’s journey throughout the 9 pages although his experience is a world away from mine…so far anyway  

“Oscar's house is one of the few with a manicured lawn, and
the only one with landscaping care.”

- Try to adopt and near zero tolerance on using “and” in the prose. I’m unwillingly to stick my neck out and say it’s better to use all the time but a comma speeds up the read no end I feel and facilitates more fluency.

Other than that, I dig your writing style, enjoying the elegiac tone and leisurely pace of the storytelling.

Why does Oscar need a lift home from the cops when he pulls up in his car? I doubt it’s because he thinks he’s over the drink-driving limit, this was 1977 after all. I’m guessing I’m missing something blatantly obvious here.

I can’t help wondering what Oscar had done in the skipped-over 40 years. Did he ever recover from getting laid off? Did he just stay in Youngstown, take to drink and gradually waste away with all the abandoned factories?

It was a crowbar and hammer at the beginning but at the end it’s a chisel and hammer. Is this an error?

Nice contrast with the gruff, couldn’t-give-a-fu?k cops and the more friendly  ones of the past. Perhaps the rose tinted glasses of memory are working overtime there though, cops have always been as?holes!

I like how you, at least for me, flipped my expectation that Oscar was going to do away with himself which would be someway linked to the breaking of the top floor window. In the recesses of my darker thoughts, I imagined him jumping through it to his death, acting as the bottle or rock or whatever.

I’m glad you went in a lighter direction though. Within it, there is a certain glimmer of the human spirit shining through amongst the surrounding urban wasteland. The poor guy is homeless, making the undignified walk of shame to the rescue mission, and at his age, it’s tragic but a small part of him attain a sort of victory today, even if no one was there to bear testimony, his name is etched thus preserved for posterity, in the concrete.

Great job.

Col.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Reaper. Almost didn't see you there.  Welcome to the site! I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'm a sucker for those kind of stories, too. I think I saw one of your stories was just posted as well.  I'll be sure to check it out over the next couple of days. - Mark

Huh?  I don’t have anything posted -- not yet.

You must be hitting the bottle too much . . . like Oscar. :P  

Hello again, Mark. Good to see you have a new script up so soon.

I liked this one. I appreciate the simplicity of it and in the end, it's not without poignance. I suppose it says a lot without saying much. There's not much more you could ask for from a short.

I thought the writing itself was pretty strong. Nothing really struck me as problematic. I could dig up quibbles for you, of course, but they'd likely be for the sake of not leaving you with nothing (sorry for the double negative) and thus probably not of any substantial use.

I will say that I don't think your logline does the story as much justice as it could. Of course, there's a sense of suspense as to whether or not Oscar's going to fall back into old habits but the story really didn't seem to focus on his alcoholism. His sobriety seems more like a byproduct of his making peace with the past thus secondary to the main plot of the city's decay. Though I suppose his initial alcoholism is also a byproduct.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just digging, like I said. Still, I expected a different story from what the logline provided.

Anyway, good stuff. Sorry I don't have more to say.

Quoted from James McClung I don't know. Maybe I'm just digging, like I said. Still, I expected a different story from what the logline provided.

I agree.  I was expecting a real hardcore boozer doing some real hardcore boozin' but it was the total opposite.

Hey Mark

No FADE IN, personally I feel I can't continue after such a basic schoolboy error so I'm out....