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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Strayed
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SimplyScripts
Posted: January 13th, 2015, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Strayed by Brandi Self  - Short, Drama - A sullen little girl spots her mother stuffing a suspicious bag into the trash bin soon after her dog goes missing, prompting a two-perception discussion about death and a father that abandoned them both.   5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  September 10th, 2017, 12:06pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 14th, 2015, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Great names (Riley Pickles, April Pickles, Bo-Bo the Dog, Jessica the Boy Crab) and dialogue that sounds real.

I  am even OK with the unconventional structure for a short (three parts in eight pages).

However -- the formatting needs work and it's unclear exactly what happened. Which is a problem, because that's the purpose of writing this in the first place.



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RichardR
Posted: January 15th, 2015, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Brandi,

The  usual caveats apply.

I was a bit confused by this one.  Obviously, the dog didn't die in the street, so the dad did?  And if he did, there's a whole of of stuff that has to occur while the girl is at the park.  April can't just toss the body.  And when will she tell April the truth?  Of course, I could be way off on dad's death.  In which case, the dog confuses me.

In any case, it's a nice little effort to tell the same story from multiple points of view.  Good job.

Best
Richard
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ThomasB
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brandi,

I like how it kept me guessing, you fit a lot into just a few pages.

I almost feel as if less dialogue would be more impactful at various parts, such as when they're talking about the gold fish.

I hope someone produces this.

Godspeed,

- Thomas


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Logan McDonald
Posted: September 12th, 2017, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brandi.

This was a fun little mystery. You had me guessing until the end. My only issue would be logistics of how the dad got hit by the car. But I think adding the dog element helps push that issue out of mind enough to still enjoy how everything unfolds.
Keep it up!


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