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Hmm... not sure what I saw here. It's decently written enough. And I have somewhat of an idea. Is this about Alzheimer's or dementia? As the middle-aged woman is speaking on the phone, it sounds like gibberish on the Old Man's end, from his POV. And who is he speaking to the whole time? Is it another elderly person who died? Not sure what to think of this, it's a little unclear as to what exactly is going on.
Hmm... not sure what I saw here. It's decently written enough. And I have somewhat of an idea. Is this about Alzheimer's or dementia? As the middle-aged woman is speaking on the phone, it sounds like gibberish on the Old Man's end, from his POV. And who is he speaking to the whole time? Is it another elderly person who died? Not sure what to think of this, it's a little unclear as to what exactly is going on.
-- Michael
I thought it was quite obvious he was talking to his wife who had died in her chair. The reason it goes like underwater is because the old man is in a little world of his own and not taking any of it in.
Ah, okay. Sorry, kinda went over my head. It was a solid piece, but for dumb people like me, I would've actually liked to have seen her dead, frozen-faced corpse -- only part we see of her is the top of her head as the OLD MAN walks past. Then again, this is a drama and not a horror, so I can see why you executed it the way you did. Also, just another suggestion -- I know there aren't any names used in the dialogue, but I'd still give them less generic names. Again, just my opinion. I get that his in a world of his own, but it felt like the man had Alzheimer's or something and I thought we were seeing that from his point of view.
Andy and Michael, thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
The idea is definitely that he has some form of dementia and his wife has died. The middle-aged woman at the end is the daughter. I felt that if any of this was made too obvious, showing the wife being the most striking example, it just didn’t work. The reader must infer everything (although I wanted for this to be easy to do).
It might be an idea for me to make the old man’s dementia a little more obvious though I was thinking.