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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Last Date
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SimplyScripts
Posted: June 5th, 2017, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Last Date by Richard Russell - Short, Dramedy - A man and woman meet for a last date Ė both of them by proxyÖ 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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SimplyScripts  -  June 5th, 2017, 2:22pm
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Fausto
Posted: June 6th, 2017, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi RR,
good, clever story. I liked it. However, I have found some dialogues too long to be real. Difficult to express without interruptions. Maybe, you should break them into two or three sections. I love the ending.
Good luck with it.
Best,
Fausto
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stevemiles
Posted: June 6th, 2017, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

My minor gripe would be that itís tricky to follow in places.  It doesnít help that Matt and Emily both Ďreadí similar in their dialogue.  As a talking heads piece anything to help distinguish between the two would help.

Aside from that itís a nice piece.  I like how the two compare notes on their profession while dipping in and out of Bonnie and Willís failed relationship before ending up having the argument that their very hiring sought to avoid.  

Iím tempted to say it ran a little long in places, but for the most part the dialogue held my interest thanks to the concept.  I wanted to see how you paid it off and I wasnít disappointed.  Nicely done - hope you get some interest.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Warren
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,

I agree that this is a clever idea but the pages of dialogue were just too much for me. Clearly others don't feel the same way. When I imagine this played out on camera it just isn't that appealing.

No issues with the writing or formatting but I think you are past that point anyway.

Super easy to film so hopefully someone snaps it up.

Best of luck with it


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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MarkItZero
Posted: June 9th, 2017, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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It had its moments. I dunno, sort of along the lines of what Steve said, I never really got a sense for Matt and Emily.

I learn a lot about the clients and the logistics of the career... but not much of anything about the personality of the two people actually sitting across from one another.

Take for example Emily going the solo career route. I think you can do more with that. Highlight that she's very independent, maybe too independent. She always has to blaze her own trail.

While Matt is more of a people-pleasing, go-with-the-group type.

And they could both use these things when they're doing the fake break-up. Attacking each other with actual flaws/quirks that they've discovered just from this one conversation.

I loved the ending with the girl getting dumped though. That was highly entertaining.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ajr
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the concept and had no problem with the amount of dialogue. As long as the pace calls for it, and I feel this piece's pace did, dueling retorts and monologues are fine.

Very well written, funny and incisive, original - I'd love to see this filmed.


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RichardR
Posted: July 5th, 2017, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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All,

Thanks for the reads and the comments.  I certainly appreciate the complaints about excess dialogue.  I'll have to look into that.  

Best
Richard
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Cooper
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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1. I liked the beginning. Not knowing exactly why they were there sucked me in.

2. girlfriend not girl friend.

4. boyfriend not boy friend

6. You know, thatís the problem with men. They assume women fixate on looks like men do. -- like "they" do would sound more natural.

I'll say the first 5 pages really nailed it for me. The conversation slows down as they debate hunks, blobs and beefcakes. I wondered where it was going.

7. Oh, come on. Thatís hokey, advice column pap.
I didn't get this. Might be a colloquialism .

8. Women are blankets. They smother. They latch onto a man of passion and drive, and they bury the flames beneath layers of drama and tears and recriminations until not even a spark remains.


Okay not commenting on the accuracy of that line lol -- but that is really really well written. I really love the back and forth. It's great.

I hear what people are saying about breaking up the lines -- but i found it really enjoyable. It takes a certain caliber of actor to pull it off -- but I think some of the long lines go to the "know-it-all"ness of the characters.

You've got these two people who talk for a living, trying to show off. A filibuster style makes sense. You could definitely drive it home with some interruptions.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed the set up. The idea is great. Super duper cheap to shoot. I really enjoyed the ending. The only part that slowed it down for me was around page 6 but it picked up again and got me back into it. I personally would love to see this story told with one less page -- or the same length or longer with interruptions throughout.

Cheers!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Dustin
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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Brilliant... nice work, Richard.

I think girl friend is fine when applied to a female friend. Writing girlfriend would confuse the reader for a moment as this is associated more with relationships.

Easy to film. Hopefully, it gets picked up. Good luck.
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khamanna
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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I wrote a synopsis for a TV movie for Russians about an agency that handles break-ups. It's like that there - you give them a synopsis to read. Possibly they'll ask for the first few pages.
Possibly even pay you to write the first 40 or so pages. And then hire you to write the whole thing.

Anyway, it's a very good short. the dialog is very cleverly handled and I loved the ending. Both Matt and Emily and Matt and Amber.
But I felt like it went for two long. I had an urge to skip to the last page when I was at page 6. And I did that. Then I went back, reread and saw that I still understood the piece even when if I didn't go back and read those last pages.
So, I'm thinking it's a bit long for me.
Still very clever writing.
Good luck to you with it.

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