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Intriguing, right from the get go. All I ever ask for when starting a story. Enjoyed it. Love the concept of this deceptive couple. You could have a helluva lot fun with this if you choose to go down the feature route. Endless possibilities.
Now, I do have to be a bit of dick with one element of this as a short - Mark and Audrey's role play confrontation.
Now, I get that their having some fun, testing each others acting/deception skills - but for me, it came across like they're bat-shit crazy doing that, without any body else being in the kitchen to deceive. Just thought maybe if Douglas was in there with them for that part and then left and then Audreys lips curl into a cunning grin - the twist would still work and the role-play would have a validity to it
Mind you, nobody else has a problem with this so probably just a 'me' thing.
Other than that gripe - liked it. Def got potential.
Oh yeah - think first slug needs to changed to EXT.
I love scam stories! And this one doesn't disappoint!
Just some quick typos that jumped out at me:
Pg. 3:
- "Twenty-five thousand and *this all goes away." - "I'm sure you could rustle up *an extra ten."
Pg. 4:
- "She about to." (I'm not sure if that's supposed to be "*She's about to" or not because now that I think back about it, "She about to" sounds pretty ghetto thug gangster tough, and I kinda like it.)
I also love how that line builds up surprise and I can't wait to see where it goes from here!
All in all, a clever little con story! Like I said I'm a huge fan of them. This one is very reminiscent of the popular 'Glim Dropper' grift, although you take it to a much more cuckold version of the scam. (You know I'm always here for darker versions of things!)
In fact, I'm wondering if that's where 'steven8' might remember this from. (Sorry steven8, it's been years and I totally forget how to mention quoted text!) There's been quite a few movies that are based off 'The Glim Dropper' scam. 'Criminal' with Diego Luna and John C. Reilly (adapted from Nine Queens) is one example that comes to mind.
Not saying that 'Is That a Tear?' is a rip-off of any sort. It's very stand alone. It's just reminiscent of the con.
Great job on the writing and dialogue, as well! I did like the ominous 'second amendment' threat to really amp up the tension, but my favorite line is 'By fucking rote.' Definitely an underused phrase that you punched up with the 'f' word!
All in all, and interesting tale that's short, sweet, and packs a punch that could probably be explored some more should you ever choose to!
- Mark
Mark — Glad you liked this! The “she about to” line really should have been “she’s.” But I agree the thug gangsta way works just as well, tho that’s not quite what I had in mind. Only you would call me out on that.
I’m not sure about the grift you’re referencing, but I do like the tension these sort of stories immediately build. It’s almost a cheat, but you need to do it well. Not sure if I’m exploring this further but a different version has been floating around in my empty head for quite some time.
Anyway, thanks for commenting. Good to see you around as I remember you’re one of the first writers here who always took an interest in my stories from the get-go.
Intriguing, right from the get go. All I ever ask for when starting a story. Enjoyed it. Love the concept of this deceptive couple. You could have a helluva lot fun with this if you choose to go down the feature route. Endless possibilities.
Now, I do have to be a bit of dick with one element of this as a short - Mark and Audrey's role play confrontation.
Now, I get that their having some fun, testing each others acting/deception skills - but for me, it came across like they're bat-shit crazy doing that, without any body else being in the kitchen to deceive. Just thought maybe if Douglas was in there with them for that part and then left and then Audreys lips curl into a cunning grin - the twist would still work and the role-play would have a validity to it
Mind you, nobody else has a problem with this so probably just a 'me' thing.
Other than that gripe - liked it. Def got potential.
Oh yeah - think first slug needs to changed to EXT.
Good work, cheers
Colin,
Thanks for reading. Tension is everything, right? Glad you felt it right from the start.
Interesting idea of having Douglas in the house with them. I never thought of that, but I’m pretty satisfied with what I got. The role play, as it plays out, is necessary for the story. I’m glad you think it has potential. We’ll see! Thanks again.
Intriguing, right from the get go. All I ever ask for when starting a story. Enjoyed it. Love the concept of this deceptive couple. You could have a helluva lot fun with this if you choose to go down the feature route. Endless possibilities.
Now, I do have to be a bit of dick with one element of this as a short - Mark and Audrey's role play confrontation.
Now, I get that their having some fun, testing each others acting/deception skills - but for me, it came across like they're bat-shit crazy doing that, without any body else being in the kitchen to deceive. Just thought maybe if Douglas was in there with them for that part and then left and then Audreys lips curl into a cunning grin - the twist would still work and the role-play would have a validity to it
Mind you, nobody else has a problem with this so probably just a 'me' thing.
Other than that gripe - liked it. Def got potential.
Oh yeah - think first slug needs to changed to EXT.
Good work, cheers
Colin, my take on this was (since the whole theme is kinda kinky) that this acting between them was some sort of “turn on” for them - a kind of play on men playing the voyeur while their wife is with someone else. That may be way off base but that was the way it read to me. LOL only Steve knows what the true intent of that scene was.
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Colin, my take on this was (since the whole theme is kinda kinky) that this acting between them was some sort of “turn on” for them - a kind of play on men playing the voyeur while their wife is with someone else. That may be way off base but that was the way it read to me. LOL only Steve knows what the true intent of that scene was.
I read it that way, too. I also read it as what might happen if two sociopaths fell in love and found a common purpose.
Thanks for the read, Kham. Actually, I know nothing. I guess.
Oh, don't be a sad SAC! It's a great script. I can see the whole thing playing out so clearly. The actors, the locations. It's got a lot of texture. I'd love to direct it, but I haven't a bean or time to do anything like that.
I'm so sorry I ever said anything about it seeming familiar. Seems I've done a lot of damage. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut.
Oh, don't be a sad SAC! It's a great script. I can see the whole thing playing out so clearly. The actors, the locations. It's got a lot of texture. I'd love to direct it, but I haven't a bean or time to do anything like that.
I'm so sorry I ever said anything about it seeming familiar. Seems I've done a lot of damage. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut.
We’re cool. Nothing I said was in response to your comments about it seeming familiar. I was just messing around when answering Kham, so all is good.
Don't wish about a thumbs up emoji, steven8. Steven A. Clark is not actually cool with you. He's just talking shit. I know because we've been friends on FB for 11 years and 2 days. He actually said you're the fourth best 'Steven' on the site, and that's only because the other 4 are spelled with a 'ph'. He told me that's why your name's steven8.
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Is That A Tear?
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- wish we had a thumbs up emoji!
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