Zavier,
Your story took off once we get to the diner scene. Before that I thought it was sort of ho-hum.
Watch the passive descriptions - that infidelity scene has too many "Begins to..." and "Starts to..." before the action comes.
Some Spoilers:
I loved the diner sequence with Crane enjoying his meal and then we see all that lovely carnage around him. I do agree with Bert about setting up the regeneration/story-end theme better at the beginning.
Perhaps the good doctor knows about the wife-milkman affair. Perhaps after killing his wife, he injects her with serum or something. Then have her return in zombie form. Maybe she steps out of the dark in the end.
Killing so many people, just to revive them. I guess he completely lost it. Early in the story, with his wife and milkman getting it on in the bedroom, Crane appears tormented before killing them. I guess that was the final straw. He turns into a mad scientest.
When he's enjoying his last meal (or is it his last meal?), you mentioned the newspaper next to him. Maybe a headline should proclaim the Formula One revival serum as the find of the century. Yes, I think the newspaper headline dilly is a cliche, but it could work...
I was kind of hoping all those dead people would awaken, crawl out of the truck and trudge their way toward the highway, back to the big city. Ala "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" and "Shivers." Ho ho.
Pia asked why the story takes place 34 years ago. Some significance?
Overall I would say that you're attention to vivid description is terrific. I loved your last OWC entry about the escaped convict and knew I'd be in for a treat with this read. A Nixon script now gets my undivided attention. |