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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Ding Dong Ditch
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  Author    Ding Dong Ditch  (currently 1823 views)
Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right, get it written.

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Hey Chris, thanks for reading.

I never realized that about the compound words. Thanks for pointing it out for me.

I'm happy that you enjoyed it.

~Zack~


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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Kirsten
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Zack

I liked this.  the end surprised me and gave me the creeps. Theres plenty of short films out there that I find boring and predictable, this filmed wouldnt be one of them. I picture this to be more of an atmospheric piece with a creepy ending. Like others are saying it is a simple story but sometimes the way it's shown can produce chills down your spine, and that is the gold...giving the audience chills....

Bringing the neighbours in as the first victims and next victims was great. Its not just a nutter at the door killing him, he's caught up in a murdering spree, on his day off watching the game...... thats horrific....

And the poem, I've never heard it and it gave me the creeps..... very nice effect....

I do have a couple of suggestions, things that stuck out for me....I felt that after so many knocks/ bell rings he might want to ignore it. Then the bell rings and rings and rings and he keeps trying to ignore it, before finally losing it and opening the door. I think this could give it even more tension and build up. And maybe its just not the door bell, maybe taps at the window, other little creepy things to get us primed for the ending.

" He
whimpers as blood splashes all over his white t-shirt."

The white t shirt part stuck out in my mind, because I was imagining blood going everywhere, not just his t shirt... maybe "blood splashes in all directions"?????And on film it will when the ketchup does its thing....

Keep at it!



"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Kirsten
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Zack

I liked this.  the end surprised me and gave me the creeps. Theres plenty of short films out there that I find boring and predictable, this filmed wouldnt be one of them. I picture this to be more of an atmospheric piece with a creepy ending. Like others are saying it is a simple story but sometimes the way it's shown can produce chills down your spine, and that is the gold...giving the audience chills....

Bringing the neighbours in as the first victims and next victims was great. Its not just a nutter at the door killing him, he's caught up in a murdering spree, on his day off watching the game...... thats horrific....

And the poem, I've never heard it and it gave me the creeps..... very nice effect....

I do have a couple of suggestions, things that stuck out for me....I felt that after so many knocks/ bell rings he might want to ignore it. Then the bell rings and rings and rings and he keeps trying to ignore it, before finally losing it and opening the door. I think this could give it even more tension and build up. And maybe its just not the door bell, maybe taps at the window, other little creepy things to get us primed for the ending.

" He
whimpers as blood splashes all over his white t-shirt."

The white t shirt part stuck out in my mind, because I was imagining blood going everywhere, not just his t shirt... maybe "blood splashes in all directions"?????And on film it will when the ketchup does its thing....

Keep at it!



"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Kirsten
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Grrrrrrr, this tablet is driving me nuts.......sorry bout the repeats....


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
No need to apologize Jeff. Thanks for giving it a try.

Curious, you say it's riddled with mistakes? Where? I truly want to know so I can fix them.

~Zack~


No...I did not say "riddled with mistakes".  I said lots of little mistakes and the writing itself just isn't visual enough for this to pack any punch.

Let's see what's wrong here...

All your Slugs are off, as the hyphens are all right up against the word in front of them - something wrong with the setting in your software?

You describe Matt's house as "small", "quaint" and "well kept".  IMO, none of these are visual descriptions, yet in the next line, you tell us there is a "bright red front door".  This seems odd to me.  Nothing wrong, per se, just odd.

Personally, I'd lose the wrylies.

When you go inside the house, you immediately repeat your Slug in the following line, which is always a mistake, and the way you describe it just doesn't work.  Basically, for your script, it doesn't matter at all if it's well furnished, clean, or what pieces of furniture are in the living room, as none of this com es into play at all.  It's nice to set your scenes, but IMO you can do it in a more visually appealing way, as opposed to literally saying it's clean and exactly what pieces of furniture are in the room.  And you should always be careful about using the adjectives "large" and "small", without any reference, as these words mean different things to different peeps.

It's kind of funny, as after you describe the living room furniture that doesn't matter at all, you tell us Matt is sitting in a recliner, which wasn't listed earlier.  The only things that matter in this room are where Matt is and what he's doing, in this case, watching a TV.

"Matt sits..." - "in" should be "it", and then you end the passage with an orphan.  But look at the passage closely.  You have this as a 3 line, 2 sentence passage.  Does it matter where the recliner is compared to the sofa?  Does it matter that the beer is in a can?  Dose it matter where he puts the can?  Detail and visual writing is a good thing, but completely unnecessary info is a bad thing.

"bull shit" - "bullshit"

Page 2 - So, apparently, the front door opens to the living room, where Matt is watching TV?  Look how you use "the front door" 3 times in a row.

When writing a POV, as I've told peeps over and over, just write literally what's being seen.  Absolutely no reason to write "we watch" or the like.  Actually, without this, would you save a line?

So, the cellphone part adds nothing and is a waste, but you could have had this actually mean something (as someone else suggested).  Why isn't his cell next to him on one of the end tables?  Why do you want him to have to get up here?

Look how you have Matt leave "the room" then later reenter "the room".  We're obviously in this room, based on the Slug, so no need to include "the room" - just "leaves" or "reenters".

Page 3 - All of a sudden, your Slugs are no longer bolded.  And you have EXT HOUSE, as opposed to what you had before, EXT MATT'S HOUSE.

"No ones there," - "No one's there".  "Bits his lip." - "Bites his lip."

NOTE - Each time Matt answers the door takes mere seconds, but this masked killer isn't anywhere to be seen.  Sure, it's a movie and shit like this happens, but the reason I brought up earlier about the front door seemingly opening into the living room is a mistake, IMO.  Have his have to walk a ways to answer the door, giving the killer ample time to hide in the bushes.

"A MASKED MAN, maybe late 20's..." - maybe late 20's?  Really?  How in the world would anyone know this...and does it matter?  If he's masked and also wearing a jacket, there's not much to give his age away.  The whole passage is poorly written and it's a shame, as this is where things need to get exciting.

"Matt notices..." - So, anytime you write a line like this, you're inferring several different shots, but you're not doing it in a visually written, or exciting way.  You know what I'm saying?  "Matt notices" sounds so dull.  Better as something like, "Matt's eyes go wide".

Page 4 - "Matt looks from the man to the blade, crawls backwards along the floor. He is stopped after a few feet by the wall." - Here, you do it again, but now you're adding another thought and shots into it.  Do you understand what I'm getting at?  Also, the tone of this passage just doesn't have any excitement or action in it.

"The Masked Man moves for Matt." - Again, a chance at excitement, ruined by such a weak line.

"The blade stabs into Matt’s face, again and again." - This one is tough to visualize, even though it's very clear what you intend to show here.  Stabbing into a face is tough, and as written, it just doesn't work at all.  Why isn't Matt defending himself at all?

Now the Slugs and transitions are bold again.  Why use "CUT TO:" here, though?  If yuo really want to show a passing of time, IMO, FADE OUT and then back in works better, but the reality here is that time passing doesn't really need to occur.  And, you use "long beat." anyways, which again, is a mistake, IMO.

Next Slug missing a time element.

I like how you end this, basically saying he's just walking from door to door killing peeps, but there's also a huge problem with that assumption - can't anyone hear their next door neighbor being killed? And, any house occupied by more than 1 person will be a problem for Masked Man.

As I said originally, this thing is only 4 pages long, so the writing has to be top notch for it to work, and here's it's not.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Hello Zack!

There's not much here to say that hasn't already been said.  I wasn't crazy about your protag being a football fan.  It felt a bit too comedic for me.  I would actually keep your main character young and give a reason for why he is all alone in a nice, big house.  Maybe he's recently divorced (because he cheated on his wife) or he's just a sad lonely dude who trolls people on the internet.  That way we don't feel bad when he gets what is coming to him.  Just brainstorming.

Mixed feelings on the ski mask.  Seems likes your antagonist is just full on crazy, so he probably doesn't care about being caught.  If he's going to wear a mask it should inspire fear or with the proper "odd looking" actor you could just show his face.

Also, while I prefer your more recent piece, "Scared Yet?" I know you are looking to direct your own short film and I think with a little tightening, "Ding Dong Ditch" might be the better option.  Single location, adult actors, few VFX, minimal dialogue, etc.  I think it could be an excellent micro short that just drips with suspense.

Thanks!
Brian



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Digitaldecayfilms  -  February 13th, 2017, 3:39pm
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right, get it written.

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Quoted from Digitaldecayfilms


Also, while I prefer your more recent piece, "Are You Scared Yet?" I know you are looking to direct your own short film and I think with a little tightening, "Ding Dong Ditch" might be the better option.  Single location, adult actors, few VFX, minimal dialogue, etc.  I think it could be an excellent micro short that just drips with suspense.



Thanks for reading Brian. Happy you didn't hate it. Lol

I agree that this one would be the ideal script for me to produce. Gonna do a few more rewrites and take a crack at it.

Thanks again for reading.

~Zack~


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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hahahaha, I've read almost everything you have on the site and I don't hate a single thing you've written!

We're definitely on the same wavelengths as far as horror is concerned.


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Zack
Posted: August 24th, 2018, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right, get it written.

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Thanks for posting the updated draft, Don. You are the man.

This has been optioned and will be filmed in the coming weeks.

Zack


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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eldave1
Posted: August 24th, 2018, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Thanks for posting the updated draft, Don. You are the man.

This has been optioned and will be filmed in the coming weeks.

Zack


Congrats - look forward to seeing it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: August 24th, 2018, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right, get it written.

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Quoted from eldave1


Congrats - look forward to seeing it


Thanks Dave. A lot of the changes I made in the new draft were at the request of the producer. I've had the chance to view some of their previous work and I was pretty impressed. Definitely a step up in quality than any of my previously produced screenplays. Really excited to see what he does with this.

Zack


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 24th, 2018, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Yo Zack,

Just my two cents here...

I'd say cut out the scene where he answers his cell phone and talks about picking up...someone, the next day. That part just doesn't fit in with the rest of the story, IMO.

Kinda wish we knew who this masked man was. Obviously he's some sort of deranged lunatic. Some escapee from a mental institution? I like the idea of him going door to door playing Ding Dong Ditch with the residents. Makes me think he's doing it as a game to see how many people he can kill before he gets caught by the police.

Not sure I understand the little rhyme he says while taunting Matt. Winder, as in "w-y-nder"? Or is it supposed to rhyme with "Ginger"? Sorry for my confusion.

Also I feel that Matt should be more of an old man if he's gonna go all "get off my lawn" on these kids playing DDD with him.

Look forward to seeing how they plays out on film if you get the chance to share. Congrats on getting it optioned.

Sean


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Dustin
Posted: August 25th, 2018, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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I don't actually need to read this script as I know the entire story from the comments - no bad thing. So, all that is left to say is good luck with the production. Glad to hear about the step-up in quality. I look forward to seeing it.
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