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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Safe
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Don
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Safe by Harold Lucas - Short, Horror - A young woman starts to receive cryptic messages from a stranger that eventually leads her to a horrifying discovery. 6 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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GetLazed
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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The logline kept us interested to read until the end. Unfortunately the Screenplay didnít interest me as much. . Itís overwritten. Find was to make your action lines less long...
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eldave1
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Same reaction here - needs trimming


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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bert
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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The idea is cool enough, but yeah, like they say above, give this a good trim.

For starters, lose Brenda.  It's not that the banter is poor -- it's even good, in spots -- but she serves no purpose here in terms of driving the story forward.

What is worse, her presence undermines your entire narrative.

You want Donna's situation to be dire and hopeless, but instead, it is only a matter of time before Brenda wanders upstairs to check on her missing friend.  Maybe a half-hour, tops.  Donna should be alone throughout this entire script.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Gerlinde
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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I do not know what you have, folks. The script is good! It plays with our fears. Sure, here and there it could make a small difference in terms of timing, but on the whole it's a good job. It was fun to read it.
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Dustin
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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You're a good writer... it can be difficult to move from past tense to present tense, then once you're there, just as difficult to go back again.

Keep trying, you'll get there. Rewrite this story to make it more active... and also take the advice of the readers above in terms of story.
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khamanna
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey, read your shot.

Overwritten? I don't know, maybe just a tad. I wouldn't notice if not the slow beginning. Later I was drawn into the point I didn't look at the words much.

But this is a horror porn in some way for me as you don't explain anything and don't leave the room for me to make guesses. So, I'm not completely satisfied with it.
I did like it as you built up to the suspense extremely well in my opinion. I'd want some resolution at the end though.
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if everyone is reading the same script here, as the one I just read has pretty much every mistake in the book, on every single page, and a story that makes absolutely ZERO sense, and has ZERO impact, because we know nothing about Donna, our Protag.

OK, not to be mean or anything, but this reads like a first attempt at screenwriting, and you'll hopefully learn quickly the mistakes on display here.  Let's throw a few out...

Don't go over 4 lines in a passage and keep each passage to a single shot, thought, description, etc.  If the camera "has to move", you need a new passage.

Don't repeat words for no reason in passages, or include your Slug in your passage.  Repetition is overwriting, and overwriting wastes valuable space.

Once you set your scene (by your choice of Slug), you have to stay inside it.  Once anything leaves the Slug, a new one is needed.  There are multiple examples of action taking place outside your Slug.

You're missing numerous apostrophes throughout.  Apostrophes show ownership and are important.

Turn off the CONTINUEDs on each page and get rid of the scene numbers.

Best of luck.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Fausto
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Page 2" think its broken" IT'S
This is Donna's story...you don't need anybody else. Increase the pathos up to a terrifying final.
I like your descriptions. Work on it and you'll have a great script. As the other reviewers have pointed out, watch for grammatical errors and sentence construction.
My best,
Fausto
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