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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  22:22
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Don
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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22:22 by Hugo Miloszewski - Short, Horror - After waking up to the ticking clocks, Keaton has an appointment with James, a mysterious man who he lives with. 7 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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HyperMatt
Posted: May 21st, 2018, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Great build-up of atmosphere. This is an ideal candidate for a cheap student short. One house location, and DOP going crazy creating dark and murky shots.

This felt more of a suspense drama than a horror. There are some shocking bloody moments, but really didn’t give me the creepy scare factor.

A curious story for sure that builds a good narrative in its 7 pages, and consistently eerie. Some parts of it, I didn’t get, but to tell you the truth I was speed reading this on the train, so I would need to take another closer look.

Your description paragraphs are too big, making it seem novel-like.  They need to be broken down.

He closes his eyes again, trying to get back to sleep, but is interrupted by a ticking sound, erupting from an unknown source. After trying to ignore it, Keaton opens his eyes and sits up to look out of his door, which is slightly to the left of his desk directly in front of his bed. The room is cramped, almost looking like a prison cell. His anger overflows inside him as he removes the covers off himself, exposing his fully clothed body: a long-sleeve top, long trousers and socks. He exits the room, stumbling slightly in the dark.

Should be more like:

He closes his eyes again, trying to get back to sleep, but is interrupted by a ticking sound, erupting from an unknown source.

After trying to ignore it, Keaton opens his eyes and sits up to look out of his door, which is slightly to the left of his desk directly in front of his bed.

The room is cramped, almost looking like a prison cell. His anger overflows inside him as he removes the covers off himself, exposing his fully clothed body: a long-sleeve top, long trousers and socks.

He exits the room, stumbling slightly in the dark.

I’ve been criticised on this site for doing the same thing, but it was good, constructive criticism that I have tried to learn from.

I would indicate the crampness of the room right from the first paragraph.
Why use CUT TO in some transitions between scenes and not others? Get rid of all of them. It’s redundant and not used in most screenplays.

It is convention that numbers in dialogue should be written in text.

JAMES
22:22

Should be something like

JAMES
Ten Twenty Two

Or ‘Twenty Two, Twenty Two.

Wasn’t sure if James was actually supposed to be there in scenes we hear him talking. If he is not there, His character should be written as JAMES (V.O.)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Logline accurately describes the story. ‘I would leave out ‘the’ in the ticking clocks’, but that is a nit-pick.  

Pg. 1
background noise, An endless,   - ‘An’ should be ‘an’

Pg. 2
‘othing’ – should be ‘nothing’

Pg. 3
‘a small family’ – I think you need to specify exactly who family members are, in CAPS, so the film-makers know exactly how many actors they need for the scene.
Pg. 6
‘last bang send the door – send should be ‘sends’


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