The Warped '80s by Rob Herzog - Short, Horror - A woman wakes up in 1980s clothing on her wedding day and discovers that the mysterious outfit doesn’t come off. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Rob

Hope you are well.

Just had a couple of points.

Why isn't 2022 Bailey wearing a wedding dress in the final scene?
Also, 2022 Bailey is clutching her phone in 1986 but she left it on the counter in 2022, which is an anomaly that doesn't fit the story.

This started off with a few formatting issues that took me out of the story but once I put those on the back burner I really got into this.

I try not to read the loglines before reading a short so I can go into the script without any preconceived notions.
My main complaint is that I couldn't tell if this was a comedy or horror until later in the script.
Remove the parts where Aiden laughs or is amused and make him more angry and frustrated.
It'll increase the tension and remove any levity.

This has a very Twilight Zone/Outer Limits feel to it with some truly frightening 80's nostalgia woven in. That era sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

You have a great premise and with minimal rewriting you'll have a disturbing little tale on your hands.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

Hi there. I just thought I'd give this a read. Still, a little confused.

The 2nd INT. APARTMENT - DAY , shouldn't that be written as a FLASHBACK?

A couple of words are missing in some of the dialogue.

Not my cup of tea really.

The aim should be to SHOW NOT TELL, otherwise a short story might be more befitting.

Good luck.

Stoneyscript

Hi Rob, I'll comment as I go. Take what you want...

Love the logline, made me want to read this....
Love the description of her attire and the headphones and that it is stuck to her.
Cellphone burning her hand, very cool.
Aidan trying to help, offers to dress like her. I like him he's sweet shows how much he loves her.
Okay now he's getting pissed and we get to see some 'body horror'.. nice..

"BAILEY
What happened to me?
A wince of pain.

BAILEY
Tell me. Where did I go?
Her head drops.
BAILEY
Where's the real me?"

This dialogue threw me off, for me it doesn't feel organic that she would ask where's the real me?  She is still there, she is just dressed differently..... it could be condensed to just a 'what's happening?".

I would put this under sci fi/horror. (It did seem like a comedy horror at first)

Okay she is herself in the future but is stuck wearing 80's attire, and she is herself in the past. So where is the 80's (inside/personality)version of her? Would be extra plot to show where the  80's version of her is? So we see that she is caught up in some very strange time travel with a twist that you are stuck with what you are wearing..

Now that she's back in time the scene needs symmetry with the first scene. As mentioned, she needs to be in her wedding dress. Need to show that she can't take off the clothes she is wearing. maybe she can't let go of her phone, (yes once you've fixed that she is holding her phone when she goes back in time).


'How did she get here? Where has her real world gone?
No answers'

You don't need these questions..Just SHOW us she is stuck there.

This is a fun story, I like the twist that the clothes don't come off. An original take on time travel...nice