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No End of Wolves by Alexander Brauck (PrussianMosby) writing as Paris - Short, Thriller, Psychological - A psychologist challenges her trauma patient when she arranges a reunion with the wolf. 9 pages - pdf, format
Little Red Riding Hood is a very obvious and easy choice for source material, sand it's already quite horrific, so let's see where we go here, as there have been so many films/scripts based on the fairy tale.
Extremely odd "note" on the title page. Personally, I think this is a HUGE mistake to include this.
OK, we start with a POV, but there's no "RETURN TO SCENE", which is a mistake. The passages themselves are overwritten and seem to be trying way too hard right out of the gate.
Then we have a new Slug, but it's the same as the 1st one, only now, there's no time element. We're not off to a good start once again, but I'm going to stay in.
Awkward sentence structure and missing alot of commas.
Slug work continues to be an issue and awkward, rather strange writing isn't helping either.
Well, this is an ambitious effort and I appreciate that, but as written, it's a mess. You need to work on your Slug work, your sentence structure, your use or lack of use of punctuation.
For me, it doesn't really go anywhere, nor is there really much horror here. Sadly, it doesn't work for me, yet it does show some creativity, ambition, and balls.
I'll throw out my first, "Good effort".
Challenge Parameters - B
Script/Story/Execution - C-
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
My third script and the first based on Red Riding Hood. I was curious as to how many scripts would be based on the well-trodden fairy tales so letís see how this one goes.
The opening note is really not needed. This sends out signals that the author does not trust directors and producers to have basic human decency or abide by the law when producing this material. That was probably not the intention but it sends out weird signals.
Love the opening Ė very different and grips the reader. To actually start hypnotizing the protagonist but also the audience at the start gets them immersed straight away.
As for the rest of it, a great psychological horror and a superb way to use the Red Riding Hood fairy tale. It does seem a little rushed at the end but thatís very understandable given the parameters of the OWC. In particular I donít get Dr. Francescaís motivations other than she wants to help or why she is not strong enough to help these people. All this made for a disappointing ending but a great overall idea and good execution. This feels like thereís plenty of material for more here, maybe even a feature film.
A solid entry, just lose the opening note!
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I appreciate your letting us know about the sensitive nature of this script, however I do not feel a disclaimer is actually needed. But I understand why you put it there.
Story-wise, it leaves more to be desired. I think your opening cuts. Ack and forth between Evelyn and the Dr. Too much. That can be helped by having the Dr speak in VO and keeping us in the action in the woods. The ending did not gel for me, nor did I feel it tied anything up that happened previously. It kinda left us hanging with no real resolution, and for that it feels incomplete. A lot of ways you could have gone with this. Basically, I think you tried to show us the real horror of this story, and I applaud you for thinking out of the box. I don't think these scripts I'm reading need to be precisely true to the source material it's based on. That said, well done, but doesn't translate to a complete story IMO.
The only negative I can find is the ending is a bit light. Apart from that, this is some really good writing.
I found the piece haunting, engrossing and something I never saw coming out of the challenge. I also really liked the disclaimer at the beginning, I know that's not part of the challenge but it was nice to see a writer who cares enough should the work be picked up.
Anyway, back to the script. I was hooked throughout and this, for me, is definitely one of the best I've read. A definite recommend.
I liked the setup and the modern twist to the story, but the end seems a bit like you ran out of pages for a better one. The premise of Michael wearing a wolf mask when he kills her father and abducts her etc. seems a bit artificial in order to hit the topic of the OWC. Would work better if she makes up the wolf head because she has suppressed Michael's true face out of disgust. It's probably more a drama than a horror script though.
Overall pretty solid and an easy read, but wrong genre in my opinion.
Wow, such a creative take on the challenge. There's a lot of subtle little things you did that were phenomenal. Describing the opening as if we're through the eyes of a subject slipping into hypnosis was brilliant. And showing signs of strain for the hypnotist was a nice touch that ratcheted up the tension. The biggest thing to work on is clearing up some of your descriptions and mini-slugs to make the read as smooth as possible.
Some suggests regarding descriptions:
The view on the angel statue slightly pulsates. A tear film arises in front. Quick blinks try to get control of it.
The view on the angel statue pulsates. A tear film smears our vision. Quick blinks bring the statue back into focus.
Evelyn stares at the desk in front. She constantly blinks with her misty eyes, then slowly closes them.
Evelyn stares at the desk in front. Her eyes blink rapidly, then slowly close.
Evelyn sits still while every sound that makes it through the office's wide-open window gets louder and detailed:
A stillness overtakes Evelyn's entire body. Sounds drift in from an open window:
A car honks. Far away, some tires squeal. Each bird's noise is distinct from the others. Wind roars and calms in waves.
A car honks. Bird's chirp - each call distinct. The wind roars and dissipates, undulating in waves.
As for the slugs, one in particular early on troubled me. IMO, min-slugs work best as a tool to quickly and efficiently change the reader's focus. They're particularly effective in action sequences. Like this...
Johns sprints into
Sees Henry sprawled out on the floor.
They help conjure up a quick image in the reader's mind.
Henry falls to the floor.
Towers over him, fist raised
So the reader sees that image - John - he's right there in your face about to punch your lights out.
But when you use a slug like this:
You're not conjuring up any image. I don't know what Evelyn's hypnosis looks like. Sure, you describe it on the very next line. But for a moment I'm stuck in limbo. This may seem very minor, but you don't want anything that slows down a read. I would suggest...
A WOLF'S HEAD
Fills our vision against a black background.
Now the slug is conjuring a clear image and we fill in the rest on the next line. I don't think there will be any confusion that this is a "hypnosis vision".
As for the dialogue, it starts out nicely but then falters, particularly at the very end. My guess is time constraints got in the way.
DR. FRANCESCA I wanted too much and lost her. I'm just not capable. It's not enough.
**I think the first line implies she's doubting herself. You don't need the rest.
DR. KYLE You're the best psychologist there is in your field.
**This is too OTN. Maybe something like "There's only a handful of people could even pull off what you did in there."
DR. FRANCESCA I know. But that still is not enough.
**I'd suggest playing up the guilt a little more, I like that you have her blaming herself. Maybe just go with "I failed her."
That was a really interesting read, I really enjoyed it, had a really nice flow kept me engaged and I didn't even notice the pages pass by as I finished to the end. The disclaimer at the beginning is not really necessary, I think the director would find the proper way to film this. The imagery was immersive I could picture every shot and I could almost feel the cold seeping in. Great job.
The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr