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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Hitchhiker
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hitchhiker by Huidong Lu - Short, Thriller - On a vacant back-road in the middle of the night, two guys contemplate whether to pick up a hitchhiker or not.  9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 10th, 2017, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Nice. Well paced, good subtext, you kept me entertained, and low budget.
Looks to be missing a couple words in a line of dialogue.
Good read though.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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JakeJon
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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H,
Really liked the pace and the tone of this one.  Dialogue was believable.  An entertaining read.

Question:  Was there a reason Kris "puts one hand in his pocket." on page 6?    I was waiting for something.

Okay, I'm still trying to pull the ending together.  Which is great. You had me.  Tense, suspenseful, the  "now what thing?":  Great stuff!

But?  Jack searches the dead HH and finds his cell phone and a picture of Kris.  What am I missing here?  Did you leave out a little too much "story" ?  Perhaps it's me.

Anyway,  Good Stuff!

JJ
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Logan McDonald
Posted: September 12th, 2017, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Huidong,

The story was great and didn’t over stay its welcome. I loved the twist at the end and how as a film it would just be shown visually. The eyes in the mirrors description is a great story loop. On page 8 you should still have the EXT. and –NIGHT on the Scene sections. Besides that the formatting was excellent and easy to read.

Overall it was a fun thrill ride. Great job!


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Huidong
Posted: September 15th, 2017, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone, thanks for reading it. I appreciate the feedback. And Jake, the twist was supposed to be that Jack set the hitchhiker up in the first place. He invited Kris to a party out of town, and the hitchhiker was supposed to take him out in the woods and kill him. However, Kris was suspicious of the whole thing and the plan ultimately failed. In case the cops found the body, Jack took the phone (that they used to plan) and the photo of Kris (so the hitchhiker knew what he looked like).
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