Mark, you are too funny.

Of course I was not offended! I have very thick skin... unless you call me fat! Then you'll see me turn aggressive real fast.    other than that, I'm hard to get offended.

Hope you're doing well btw!

I read this a few days ago, and decided to hold of on commenting.  Mostly because I wasn't sure what to write and I wanted to let things sink in a bit.

I think you've got the elements of a good western here, with the main revenge theme that's so prominent in westerns being driven home, and quite gruesomely.  I think someone before mentioned losing the opening sequence, but I think it offers a nice transition to the heart of the story, and then back.  It could probably be tightened up a bit, but I don't think it should be lost completely.

From a production standpoint, I think viewing this on film would be an entirely different experience than reading it.  I just don't see somebody wanting to go that extra mile to show this horrific experience, not just once, but twice.  Kind of sad really, since it would be something to set this apart from a lot of other stuff out there.

One thing I don't remember seeing, and since I'm a stickler for dialogue I'll point it out, is the lack of the word "innards".  It would so fit in with the situation and time period.

Anyway, this was definitely an interesting read that I enjoyed in a somewhat sadistic way.

Quoted from Shelton One thing I don't remember seeing, and since I'm a stickler for dialogue I'll point it out, is the lack of the word "innards".  It would so fit in with the situation and time period.

Ooh.  That would fit in quite nicely, especially with the time period.  I don't think I would have ever thought about using 'innards', even if I had written this around Thanksgiving.

Quoted from Shelton I think someone before mentioned losing the opening sequence, but I think it offers a nice transition to the heart of the story

I love it whenever I get the feeling of deja vu, that's how I came to refer to these scenes as the 'deja vu' scenes.  This is the second script I've used them in, and I don't know why, but I love that sense of familiarity.  'American Beauty' made a very effective use of its deja vu scene screenplay-wise, but changed the ending theatrical release-wise so it wasn't as significant.

Using three deja vu scenes in a row might have been over-doing it for a short script, but I think it might work a lot better as a feature, when you have a lot more happening and time to forget the beginning.

Quoted Text From a production standpoint, I think viewing this on film would be an entirely different experience than reading it.  I just don't see somebody wanting to go that extra mile to show this horrific experience, not just once, but twice

Unfortunately, I agree with you on that, especially because it's only a short and one wouldn't want to waste money on extra production and effects crew when they're not getting any money back at all.

Even if expanded, probably the best I could hope for for the story production-wise is a naughty straight to DVD director's cut released years after the original release of the 'R' version.

One day, though, and this is with any movie that has received an 'NC-17' rating that they chopped down to an 'R', I would like to see a release of both 'R' and 'NC-17' versions simultaneously.  Of course, the 'R' would bring in the most gross, but I still think there would be an at least acceptable amount of people attending the 'NC-17', especially in the 17-20 year-old spectrum.

I don't know if it's been tried before and I know I'm not the first person to have that idea, but it would be interesting to see how much of a deep fan base the film would have.

Anyway, thanks much for reading and I'm really glad you chose to comment on it.  I was really hoping that people wouldn't be saying that I wrote it just to be gross and disgusting.  This is a story that I've really thought about, and still continue to think about.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 I was really hoping that people wouldn't be saying that I wrote it just to be gross and disgusting.  This is a story that I've really thought about…

I sure like to see that.  Nice to see somebody actually trying.  There is so much shock-fiction around here that feels dashed off, juvenile, and downright interchangeable if you ask me.  But you didn’t, of course, so enough of the soapbox.

Part of the moderator gig is checking on reviews to make sure stuff does not get out of hand.  One downside is sometimes you get spoilers, so I usually just glance, but I do get a general sense of whether the reactions are positive or negative.

Sometimes, as with this one, the general reaction is "EEK!" -- and those are always fun.  So like I told you, while I have not really read the previous comments, I did see the EEKS, so pardon any repetition.

*  First off, your sluglines are weird, with an extra period you do not need.  Following INT. or EXT. is the only place you should have one.  Also, clean up the page breaks, like “attention” orphaned at the top of page 3.  Those are distracting, and make a script appear less than professional.
*  Coleshaw is a little too close to coleslaw haha.  I found that distracting.  Just sayin'.
*  You could quicken up your card game with a montage of dealing, raising, and folding.
*  Then comes the scene with Meladori.  Brutal, indeed.  And now I suspect I know what will be coming later.
*  After that, you repeat pervious scenes verbatim.  That is not a good approach for a script or on film.  More on this later.
*  Then comes the scene with Smith, and it is just as nasty.  Is this stuff even filmable?  And who to cast?  That might be also be difficult.  I know that I wouldn’t want the part haha.

So, this is a tale of over-the-top violence where scaling back the violence is not really an option.  As opposed to superfluous shock, the violence here actually resides at the heart of this story, and that sets it apart from a lot of the blood and guts to be found on these boards.  This story will be a very tough sell, but I honestly feel the violent aspects should remain intact.  The key to the ultimate success or failure of this story will be incorporating your flashbacks by more effective methods.

They are clunky as you have them now, and they need to be smoother.  That is my biggest problem with this script that is otherwise pretty good, if somewhat dreadful.

I would recommend you cut your early scenes at a very specific point prior to your flashbacks, then give us the flashback, then pick up with the old scenes right where they left off.  You need to move back and forth between these vignettes instead of rehashing them.  Intermingle your timeframes a bit more.  Rewatch an old episode of "Lost", which uses that technique so effectively, and try to apply some of that to this story.  However you do it, though, repeating yourself verbatim is an awkward device at best.

So I have to say that you delivered the goods here.  It is a revolting tale, but intentionally so, and the characters and story are such that you lift it up out of the gutter and make it worth a closer look -- if only for a very select audience.  No small feat, that.

Quoted from bert clean up the page breaks, like “attention” orphaned at the top of page 3.  Those are distracting, and make a script appear less than professional.

Yeah, I usually don't mess with the spacing for the first couple of drafts in case I have to go back and fix, change or add anything that'll just change the spacing again.

After I did my final review for this finished draft, I forgot to go back and space those.

Quoted from bert Coleshaw is a little too close to coleslaw

Ew.  That's gross.  I didn't think about that.  I'm definately going to go back and change his name, I don't want to put any disgusting images into people's heads.  :-)

Quoted from bert You could quicken up your card game with a montage

Yeah, I definately know the card game needs shortened somehow.  I don't know if you browsed it in another post, but I started this story out only intending to show the poker game and the legend of how the lollapalooza hand came about.  So I felt somewhat obligated to make the poker game, while not vital, still a large part of the story, hoping that it would push the suspense or a slow build-up to the upcoming rage.

Then, of course, I had the brainstorm for Meladori and one thing led to another and I all of a sudden wasn't writing a story about poker anymore.

Wow.  I just realized.  I started out with a queen high straight and ended up with a woman's vagina being torn to shreds.  I think the Chaos theory definately incorporated itself into there somewhere along the way.

Quoted from bert After that, you repeat pervious scenes verbatim.  That is not a good approach

Ahh.  I was waiting for this one.  The deja vu scenes.  Chalk up another vote for 'didn't like it'.  Let me check the score real quick.

Liked it = 3
Didn't like it = 3
Undecided = 1
Didn't even mention it = 1

Out of those that did like those scenes, all of them (including me), said that they did need tightened up, though.

I've thought about this subject a lot in this particular script.  I think I'm getting to the opinion that it might be a little bit too much for such a short screenplay, but would work a little better if it were a feature and the three 'deja vu' scenes were spread throughout the story a little more.

Nevertheless, I've still got a lot to thinking to do regarding this subject.

Quoted from bert Rewatch an old episode of "Lost",

Rewatch?

Honestly, I've never even seen one episode of 'Lost'.  Nor 'Heroes' for that matter.  Not because I don't want to, but because whenever they were on, I was always working.  But now that I have some time to myself, I'll plan on checking 'Lost' out.

Gracias* for taking a look at this and I'm also glad that you seem to be in that 'very select audience'.

Hey, just out of curiosity, Simply Scripts isn't planning on not posting anybody's scripts because of the strike any time soon, are they?  :-)

- Mark

* - That's Spanish.  It means 'Thank you'.

Hey Mark,

It's been fun going through your back catalog!
I never felt this revenge tale veered into gratuitous territory, kudos there.
I think this is one of those where the actors would make or break it.

Long stares, understated dialogue, lots of pauses, is how I see it.
Did Smith Delray and Meladori have a past before the game?
Perhaps he was known as a brutalizer of women or something and I missed it.

This would never get filmed as is, unless you made it yourself.
Some shots of Meladori thinking of her dead husband while she's being filled.
Maybe heavy intercutting with stuff like that could work.

This was a fun read, I can clearly see your voice developing through this one.

Regards,
E.D.