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Equal Retribution (What Doesn't Kill You) by Shawn Davis (ledbetter) - Thriller, Dark Thriller, Supernatural - In the future, a law is passed allowing for the multiple executions of condemned serial killers. The detective on one such case discovers the man sentenced to die three times is actually innocent, and must now find the real killer before his final sentence is carried out. 119 pages - pdf, format
Hey Shawn, I dig the log line, looks interesting. I'll definitely give this a read over the next couple days, just need to finish up with another script I'm checking out.
Great to see this posted and I wish you best of luck with the competitions. I see that you changed the title (much better now btw) but has there been many changes to the revised draft you sent me a while back?
I'll try to peruse this one as time allows... remember enjoying the first draft.
Hey Shawn, just finished up your script. My thoughts:
IN A NUTSHELL: This was a wildly entertaining read, my friend! I was thoroughly engaged, and though I had a feeling who the killer was, as the story was progressing, I desperately wanted to see how this played out and was eager to find out who the killer was to see if I was right. You grabbed me, as every scene jumped off the page. That, brother, is what you call entertainment.
HURDLES: Suspension of disbelief. Some audience members may find it hard to wrap their mind around the big premise of the film, the hook of the plot - the death penalty law concerning the "three executions". It's highly improbable, but when you create your own world, you can make up your own rules. That film "The Purge" hinges upon a premise that is highly improbable... but I'll bite. And I think, with suspension of disbelief, the audience would enjoy this film.
WRITING: Excellent. I LOVE reading a script where the writing is a non-issue. It makes it soooo much easier to judge this as a film rather than a screenplay. It was a breeze to read. And your description is so vivid - you have prose to your style, but it's just the right amount of prose. It never takes us away from the story. It flows.
DIALOGUE: Pretty damn good on the most part, though there were bits and pieces here and there that read awkwardly. The strongest dialogue came between Clive and his colleagues, the cop jargon. You seem to have done a lot of research here. Overall, solid.
CHARACTERS: Well drawn out. All of them. Though Clive doesn't really seem to have much of an arc IMO. The Derek character became the lead in my mind. That brings me to...
MIXED THOUGHTS: I felt conflicted here... I found myself rooting for a pedophile. I didn't know what to think about that. He's the most well rounded of all your characters and has the most definitive arc. And I started liking him half way through the script, I think after his first execution. I was glad he made things right.
PLOT: Very cool. Definitely thick with story, though I ran into some of that "suspension of disbelief" stuff - you piled it on pretty thick.
ORIGINALITY: I saw elements from a lot of other films. I saw this as... Insomnia meets 8 MM meets After Life meets True Crime meets Lovely Bones meets The Cell. But man, did you spin the shit out of this. The originality really shows in the execution of the story.
Here's some notes I took while reading. Some of it is negative, but I think I raise some good questions:
Page 2:
DEREK: That's what I'm talking about.
You could probably do without that line. It seems more menacing with out the dialogue. You could even probably do without the lotion thing, too.
Page 5:
Clive pulls out his gun and points it at the helicopter. Seems a bit over the top, huh? Is there any other way to show that he is Gung Ho?
Page 10:
Hmmm... how many shots did Clive get off while he and MAN were grappling for the gun? Must have been the full clip, because as MAN is about to perform the coupe de grace, he conveniently runs out of ammo. It didn't feel like, when I read this scene, that he got off that many shots. Obviously, he did though.
MYSTERIOUS MAN: I think I'll be keeping this.
Unnecessary. Besides, he lets Clive live after revealing his voice and quite possibly his identity (he was just wearing a hoodie, correct?).
Page 13:
OFFICER MALLORY: You've got the right to remain silent. I'd take it.
Reads a bit off. And shouldn't there be somebody there reading his Miranda rights?
Page 20:
Can they really execute somebody, resuscitate them and kill them again? I heard of some rumor that if the prisoner survives the first couple times, he's allowed to live. But never heard of this. It seems rather elaborate. What if they can't resuscitate him after the first time? And I'm not exactly sure when the story takes place, but I can't imagine this being true, with all the anti death penalty shit going on. Don't think it would fly in the world of politics. But it is interesting. And if it is true, it's kind of mind blowing. I like stories where I learn something new.
Page 22:
"Shit, I just sounded like Clinton."
Might go over some people's heads, but I found it funny.
Bottom Page 25 - Top Page 26:
Gross! (Stomach scene on snuff video)
Page 34:
DAVIES: ... after having gotten over malaria.
Sounds strange. Maybe "... after fully recovering from malaria."
Page 37:
So... Clive is against this new death penalty law? Seems a bit out of character, since he's all Gung Ho and all. And he was adamant in nailing this guy (Derek). I suppose it could be another dimension to his character because at this point, he does seem a bit one dimensional. I'll take it as a part of his arc.
Page 42:
Not sure what the policy is, but... is just anybody allowed to witness the execution? I'd imagine King has a pretty heavy rap sheet (it's even mentioned later in the story). And not only that, but King visits Derek a few times... isn't there a law against felons making prison visitations with convicted criminals?
Page 45:
Wow... what the hell is going on? Wild stuff. This goes from being a police procedural to a courtroom drama to... this? This suddenly turns into The Cell! Your characters do allude to some outer body shit in previous dialogue. And you have the trippy moment with Bret in the mirror. But his comes out of left field. It feels like a different film almost.
But fuck it, I like it.
Page 53:
KANDACE: ... Why do you keep treating me like I am.
Need a ? instead of a .
Page 55:
Ah, the gun.
Page 58:
CLIVE: Where do you get off watching violence and child porn?
Sounds a bit on the nose.
RANDOM THOUGHT: Very engaging so far. I'm aching to find out who the killer is. My list of suspects - Bret, King and maybe even Clive.
Page 64:
Each time he's executed, he is metaphysically taken to the scene of the crime. Pretty cool.
Page 65:
MASKED MAN: Any last words before I crack you to left field?
Reads kind of clunky. Cheesy.
RANDOM THOUGHT:
Now, this is pretty big, I think... How is the gun (whereabouts) not brought up when Derek is initially brought in ? In fact, it's never brought up again until the evidence of the bullets comes into play. After all, it was a murder weapon (the dead police officer) and Clive expresses some kind of hard feelings about finding this gun earlier in the story. And outside of the logistics, it would seem within his character to ask about it.
Page 69:
Memory card in floor - How did the cops miss this?
RANDOM THOUGHT:
How will all of this hold up in court as evidence? I know, they found the chip. But the fact that they found this out through Derek's outer body visions? Not sure that would fly.
Page 74:
Derek is allowed visitation rights? And King is allowed to visit him? Not so sure about that.
Page 79:
Kind of strange how I like this pedophile.
Page 80:
I knew it!
Page 87:
MORTICIAN: I don't normally like to talk when I'm taking a shit.
Funny.
Page 99:
Wow, Derek sure is spry for a dude who's died three times.
Page 102:
Phone call seems flat. A lack of emotion on Clive's part. And she kind of packs a lot of info in there about her life.
OVERALL:
This was a very enjoyable read, but some parts came off a little bit unbelievable. I'm willing to buy it, but audiences may have trouble getting past certain parts. And some readers might be thrown off by the change in tone near the beginning of the second act. Maybe not the "tone" but the shifts in the way the story is told. For a large part, this is Clive's film. Then for most of it, it's Derek's film. And then you have the police procedural - courtroom drama - some crazy ass shit turns in the story. But, me personally, I liked it a lot.
I'd be interested to see how a director would handle this script... hope to see it on screen!
Hey Shawn, as you know, I've read numerous versions of this over the last year or so.
I've enjoyed each, but the last was easily the best for me. It was tighter, it was cleaner, and your writing is really improving.
What I liked most about this is the fact that you weren't afraid to go balls out and deliver your story exactly the way you wanted to. It's outside the box in so many ways, yet, when you really analyze it, it reads and feels like a theatrical release to me, at least.
I tip my hat to you and want to applaud you for a job well done here.
I do have 1 question, though. WTF is the dash and "DAVIS" all about in the title? HUH?
Great work, bro. Hopefully, peeps will read and provide feedback for you because you definitely deserve it.
Thanks man for the great notes. I just got back into my office tonight and it's late so I'll be responding to your comments tomorrow after work.
Btw...I'm halfway through Morphine and I like it a lot man.
You really have a feel for the dark side. That's not easy to pull off.
I'll get back to you tomorrow on your notes and hopefully I'll have Morphine completed tomorrow and get some notes up tomorrow, or the next day.
No problem, brother, I hope the notes are helpful. I didn't read any previous drafts so I can't tell you how much it's improved or not, but this was a damn good read.
Glad you're enjoying Morphine so far... yeah, I gravitate towards darker material, part of the reason why I was drawn to your story. Ironically, it's the lighter stuff I have a hard time pulling off haha.
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