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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Final Market Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2018, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Final Market by Silvano Anselmo - Thriller  - It's about human organ trafficing.  117 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Marty
Posted: January 3rd, 2018, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Silvano,

Your sluglines are all over the place and incorrect.
Your formatting seems off.
You have large action blocks that need to be broken up.
You need to limit your parenthetical use.
Watch your spelling, grammar, typos.
Get rid of the continued at the bottom of the pages.

Read some professional screenplays and study the structure of them. Get a free version of screenwriting software (WriterDuet, Celtx) if you do not already have one and rewrite the script from what you have learned. You will learn a lot just from reading.

Remember you will get better with each screenplay you write.
However, one must crawl before they walk.
Keep working hard at it. You got this.

P.S.
I have absolutely no idea what the note was at the end of your screenplay. If it is indeed a note it shouldn't come after The End.

All the best,
Marty
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 3rd, 2018, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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A paragraph ENDS. A new paragraph BEGINS. The CUT TOs are NOT necessary.

CONTINUES galore. Even (CONT'D) followed by (Cont'd) on the CHARACTER line.   Discontinue the continues.

ACTION lines need to be 4 lines or less,  Some of these ACTION paragraphs are a challenge to read.  Chop then up in to bite size for ease on the eyes.

The SCENE HEADINGS are formatted differently page to page.

Many scenes are over written. Rewrite them to make the sentences stronger.  Visualize what you seen in your mind and write that with the fewest words possible.

I suggest a rewrite then rewrite again. Many pros rewrite 20 or more times.

All of us screenwriters started like this.

You do have a story. Your challenge is to make it an easy read of an inciting event.

Good luck to you Silvano.

Steve


Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)
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eldave1
Posted: January 3rd, 2018, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Dude, you got to pay attention to some of the basics. This is a bit of a mess


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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