42.2 by Matthew Taylor - Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi - Passengers of a Gravity train fight for control of their minds and souls when their maiden voyage through the Earth's core plunges them instead, into the pits of Hell. 89 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Matthew, I'm chipping away at this, will post notes in a couple of weeks if not sooner..

Hey Matt!

Finally got some time to myself and took a read of the script. I do want to say I did read this all in one sitting, but I am in a bit of a crunch to put my notes down right now, so I may not be able to get everything down, but will finish when I can! Some notes were written as I was reading, and some will be muddled in here and there now that I know how everything ends.

- First off, I love the atmosphere! It really plunged me into the world with the red sky and perpetual electrical storm. I knew this was sci-fi horror going into it, but great descriptions of the Gravity train really got me to put my sci-fi hat on and ready myself to dig into this. (Hi! This is Mark from the future after reading and maybe there weren't enough descriptions as I was getting lost in the settings later on as the action progresses. More on this to come!)

- I like the visual of a jet cemetery converted into living spaces. I'm curious already as how this world came to be.

- 15 pages in and the only little niggle I really have so far is all the characters. It's not that there's too many characters, I feel that they are all needed to tell the story so far. It's that I don't think we know them well enough or we aren't introduced to them enough yet, and just me, but I'm losing track of who's who when we're introduced to them again. I forgot exactly who Benedict was and who Phillip was. I remember their names from the beginning, but I forget which character they were. I'm sure watching the movie it'll be fine as we'll recognize the actor, but as a reader, I feel the characters need a little more work to stand apart from each other. (Even flipping through back through the script at page 50, and as much as on over the top character as Arthur was, I was still confused between him and Jeffrey. When I saw the character name Arthur, I was like, 'Wait. Wasn't that Cecilia's boss?' Of course, eventually I did grasp who's who, but I was doing some flipping back and forth to search character names again that interrupted the flow of the read.

- All right, on Pg. 18, I was so excited to see the launch (or 'drop' might be a better word!) of the Gravity Train. But in the description of it, it was just bleh. It seemed really anticlimactic to me, and it's just my preference, but I kind of wanted to see a little more build-up and even further description of this grand machine making its maiden voyage.


Ugh... Work calls.  I am really enjoying the read at this point, and like I said, the story was a breeze and I was able to read it all in one setting... I will finish the notes tonight or in the morning!

Great job so far!

- Mark

Thank you so much for the read and notes so far. I am extremely grateful.

Glad you are enjoying it up to page 18 - I fear it goes down hill faster than the gravity train after that though lol

I do tend to rush into the action/plot and not give enough time to build and develop some characters - That is definitely something I need to work on.

Very good point about the launch. It really does need a bit more oomph. I'm sure a filmmaker could have a whale of a time doing it, but for now, I need to make it a lot more exciting on the page. Thanks for that.

Thanks again for taking a look, looking forward to the rest of your thoughts.

Hey Matt! Sorry for the delay. Finally able to get back to it today!

All right, reading on and going back and rereading from Pg. 18...

- Some of the scenes seem a little uneven, flow-wise. I understand we're going between different realities and all, but just the set up and then moving around from carriage to carriage is confusing me. Maybe I just missed some descriptors, but are all the carriages connected via a hallway or something? Because what I got from when we first saw the Gravity Train, it read like all the carriages were like a regular train and just hitched together. But it seems like the characters are just moving freely between carriages.

Pg. 48
- Ah. So it's all virtual reality. Of course, the thought in my head was there from the beginning. (Ever since 'The Matrix', that's pretty much my first assumation with almost every single sci-fi flick I come across. And most of the time, it's been the correct assumption.) That explains some of the unevenness of the world you created. And by that, I'm not saying that I'm not enjoying the unevenness of the world, because I am. I rather like that quality in stories, and use it in some of my stories as well!) But, since we come to find out it's all in Cecilia's (Rachel's) mind, would we actually be privy to Phillip attacking Abaddon in the beginning. And would we actually be there for Benedict's and Abaddon's private conversation before we're even introduced to Cecilia, since we're really only supposed to see the movie through Cecelia's experiences? I'm not going to say I feel cheated, because I don't. But I'm interested to see how you handle the rest of the story from here on out.

- By the say, I know I brought up 'Matrix' already, but it's also very reminiscent of 'The Cell' as well, and I was just curious if that was any inspiration for this tale?

- The story seems to be moving along very fast. While I appreciate the brisk pace, I feel like the characters and the world can be delved into quite a bit more, just to make us root for them a little more.

- Some of the dialoge is getting a bit too on the nose, especially when you go out of the way for a quick little one-liner here and there. But when Cecilia exclaims 'Who would've thought hell was real?", that really pulled me out of the reality of this virtual reality. Don't get me wrong... I laughed! It just seemed a little corny and brought me out of the story way too much.

Pg. 55
- I do like the emotional connection of Stanley and Cecilia, though. I got chills when I figured it out. I didn't see that twist coming, and how I didn't put it together.

- While there are a fair number of typos and grammar issues here and there in the beginning, I'm noticing there's more and more as the story progresses. Enough now that I feel I should mention as it's impacting the flow of the action and story. (For example, on Pg. 58 - 'Cecilia looks around, no one passengers visible' ?  - I read that 5 times over to make sure I was reading it right.)

- Lol. So after reading it throughout the whole story, it took until Pg. 62 for curiosity to get the best of me and I finally had to google what a canape is! I had never heard of it!

- Definitely need a better description of Barman! I didn't know he was so mobile!


All right. So while I think it's definitely an interesting concept, I really like it... I was severely disappointed with the abrupt ending. It feel like there's so much left to be explained. Granted, you left it perfectly open for a sequel, I just think there's so much more in this story that can be explored! We never even found out how this world came to be!)

- Mark

Thank you so much for the read and comments. I appreciate it greatly.

I’m currently on holiday with terrible signal so will give a much better response when I’m back.

Matt

Quoted Text Hey Matt! Sorry for the delay. Finally able to get back to it today! All right, reading on and going back and rereading from Pg. 18... - Some of the scenes seem a little uneven, flow-wise. I understand we're going between different realities and all, but just the set up and then moving around from carriage to carriage is confusing me. Maybe I just missed some descriptors, but are all the carriages connected via a hallway or something? Because what I got from when we first saw the Gravity Train, it read like all the carriages were like a regular train and just hitched together. But it seems like the characters are just moving freely between carriages.

Yeah I should be more clear with my descriptors. I did rush this a bit.

I envisaged a section at the end of each carriage as a sort of entrance way where toilets are located. Each carriage is hooked together and the characters can move freely between them.

Quoted Text Pg. 48 - Ah. So it's all virtual reality. Of course, the thought in my head was there from the beginning. (Ever since 'The Matrix', that's pretty much my first assumation with almost every single sci-fi flick I come across. And most of the time, it's been the correct assumption.) That explains some of the unevenness of the world you created. And by that, I'm not saying that I'm not enjoying the unevenness of the world, because I am. I rather like that quality in stories, and use it in some of my stories as well!) But, since we come to find out it's all in Cecilia's (Rachel's) mind, would we actually be privy to Phillip attacking Abaddon in the beginning. And would we actually be there for Benedict's and Abaddon's private conversation before we're even introduced to Cecilia, since we're really only supposed to see the movie through Cecelia's experiences? I'm not going to say I feel cheated, because I don't. But I'm interested to see how you handle the rest of the story from here on out.

I am curious if you ended the story believing it was all an AI movie?

Quoted Text - By the say, I know I brought up 'Matrix' already, but it's also very reminiscent of 'The Cell' as well, and I was just curious if that was any inspiration for this tale?

I have seen Matrix, although I didn't consciously use it as inspiration. I have never seen The Cell however, I'll have to look it up.

Quoted Text - The story seems to be moving along very fast. While I appreciate the brisk pace, I feel like the characters and the world can be delved into quite a bit more, just to make us root for them a little more.

Yup, I am guilty of rushing this lol

Quoted Text - Some of the dialoge is getting a bit too on the nose, especially when you go out of the way for a quick little one-liner here and there. But when Cecilia exclaims 'Who would've thought hell was real?", that really pulled me out of the reality of this virtual reality. Don't get me wrong... I laughed! It just seemed a little corny and brought me out of the story way too much.

I try and put myself and people I know into situations and think about how they would react. I really struggled to figure out how the people I know would react to finding out Hell was real. Thanks for pointing out the dodgy line.

Quoted Text Pg. 55 - I do like the emotional connection of Stanley and Cecilia, though. I got chills when I figured it out. I didn't see that twist coming, and how I didn't put it together.

Thanks, I do feel like it's cheating when I use child characters as emotional tools in scripts, but they are great for it.

Quoted Text - While there are a fair number of typos and grammar issues here and there in the beginning, I'm noticing there's more and more as the story progresses. Enough now that I feel I should mention as it's impacting the flow of the action and story. (For example, on Pg. 58 - 'Cecilia looks around, no one passengers visible' ?  - I read that 5 times over to make sure I was reading it right.)

Another symptom of me rushing it. Thanks

Quoted Text - Definitely need a better description of Barman! I didn't know he was so mobile!

Yep, I just looked back and noticed I didn't describe him at all!

Quoted Text All right. So while I think it's definitely an interesting concept, I really like it... I was severely disappointed with the abrupt ending. It feel like there's so much left to be explained. Granted, you left it perfectly open for a sequel, I just think there's so much more in this story that can be explored! We never even found out how this world came to be!)

Thanking you. I'm glad you liked it for the most part.

I purposefully didn't explain how the world came to be to try and leave it to the reader/viewers imagination, but maybe I did that too much.

I am curious though to know how you thought it ended. I tried to create a parallel version of reality so the reader would flitter between the two trying to think which one was real, not sure if I achieved it, also not sure if I achieved with enough clarity which one was indeed real (or again, If I leave that as an open-ender and the reader can decide which one they want to be real?)

Thank you so much for the read and notes though, very much appreciated.

Regards

Matt

Hi Matthew, sorry this is almost a year late, but better late than never

I've noted down any errors I found along the way....


Intriguing opening…..
Nice and horrific


Great visuals of the train station and train. Very creative.

P2..it’s ‘a’ monstrous machine….

If this is history why is there only the two of them there??? How do others not know about the hole in the earth? Where’s the media?

Great visuals of the inside of the train.

I like the surprise introduction of Philip..nice…

P4… she “grabs” a piece of food, but the contents are mushy, it didn’t fit.

Very cool plane graveyard turned trailor park.. love it..

Love the constant lightening…great visual

Love the Victorian gothic fashion.

Cool identical robots..

P 7… ‘At’ the far end….

Why is Cecelia so keen, why hasn’t she heard the rumors? While everyone else has? Do we assume she is an introvert? Doesn’t talk to people much?

Might need more of a punchier goal for her to get on the train. I just feels like she’s on there because of a free ticket.

P11… It's eyes, replaced ‘with’ black marbles.
           Cecilia ‘takes’ a step away.

I’m not sure about her skipping around the passengers… seems childish for her?

Nice conflict with Arthur noticing she is a poor person.. shows us how much the rich hate the poor.

Like the use of abaddon shutting the blind to introduce the next scene..

I like the explanation about Philip surviving the mine collapse but not the train ride. Nice conflict with the medical care threats.

Cool.. something paranormal… crying woman in toilet..

Okay now I’m looking forward to getting on this train even more.

Ahh now she can’t …good tension… she sneaks on,, more possible conflict ahead.

Abaddons reaction to Cecilia feels too weak considering how he tore up her ticket etc..


Cool scene with her getting trapped in the bathroom and seeing her pregnant self… nice….creepy, scary, claustrophobic.


P26. Looks down.  Full stop

Pg28 Nice I love this…people starting to see things. Good exposition, natural sounding with the way Hilda jokes about the train going to hell.

Pg.29. taps the bar. (full stop)     Pg 30 Arthur ignores. (full stop).   Pg33 within arms reach (small w)    Pg 34 Who’s Racheal.       Pg 35. Rubs her belly (capt R)

Pg 27 onwards…. Good action…lots of questions, what’s really going on? Keeping me engaged.

I like the idea that there is now a feeling of what is real and what is not, and it is all based on hell, makes it feel more horrifying.

Pg 36..Utter carnage (capt U).      Pg 37 Just let go. (full stop)

Cool scene with her not wanting to get into the cargo hold…scary!

P 47 Feints (cap F) lighter. (full stop).  

Nice  questions, is she in the movie? Is it hell playing tricks on her? Good suspense.

P49 spirits dives for ‘the’ train, P50 drags her away. (full stop) P51 ‘He’ takes a seat on (capH) Pg 53 You are despicable! Pg56 Finally, after two hundred years. (cap F) P58 Hello sweetie. (full stop)

What does the bishop mean ‘after 200 hundred years’?

P57. plunges it into his eye’socket’.  I added socket because it didn’t seem to fit since he doesn’t have an eye there now.

Cool the holy water is a good help….there’s danger but she’s somewhat safe..as she walks past all the zombies.. good tension…

Pg 58 ‘not’ one ‘passenger’ visible.

Good action scene p 59..like the pause in action with the barman acting normal.

P61 ‘to’ a device on the door.   Did abaddon put it there when he was messing with the door? Might need to see him do it… the device jumps out of nowhere. Or did I miss that?

I like it, she is trapped in a computer program. But still has to fight for her life, she can’t just unplug and say it’s all a dream.

Nice tension, is she going to accept this is all a movie….

Yes she does, nice interjection with the barman.

P71 Barman’s ‘eyes’ dart… P72 if you don’t come back they ‘won’t’ treat me anymore.

Good scene with abaddon and becky.

P72 to 89 great flow, great action.  I like that the movie wasn’t real. Part of me wondered, but it all added to the mystery and tension.

Nice way of hell trying to get Cecilia to kill abaddon so the train gets back to Australia

Nice twist I didn’t see that one coming…

The ending was abrupt, but that’s a choice we all make as part of the creative process. I didn’t mind it.  It made me wonder about adding more story line in the beginning, in terms of what would actually happen if the train came back full of hellish spirits. Maybe a more in depth description from Philip when he is there as Benedict hangs himself. Something along the lines of  “they will come through and we will conquer.” Something that indicates the end of the world type scenario. This would definitely give me more chills at the end…. but that’s just a personal thing. I know Cecilia mentions Philip talking about an uprising, but I think it has more of an impact coming from Philip.

On a re read, I notice Cecilia hears crying in the platform bathroom. Is that a clue that Philip  has definitely bought something back with him? If so I like it.

“She passes an interactive cinema - "Now Showing 42.2 - Can you survive the journey?" just spotted this on a re read….cool…



Overall I enjoyed this and thought it was very well done. I agree with Mark in that there needs to be more character building. Especially with Cecilia. It's hard for me to explain but I feel she needs a stronger goal to get on the train. It feels like the story is just happening to her.
It’s a good concept,  will be a fantastic visual piece. Lots of mystery, tension, twists and turns, very imaginative. I loved the barman character. Who would have thought in the end he would save the day. Sort of…

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I know doing it for a feature is a bit of a hefty task.

I'm glad to see you were questioning whether it was reality or the VR movie, it was very much my intention and hoped the reader would bounce from believing one and then the other. I found it hard to tell if I was adding in too much and losing the reader in the confusion, or not enough and the reader was never fooled.

You are right about the goal for Cecilia. The concept for the movie originally came from a 7-week challenge way back when, and I had her original goal to fit the parameters of that challenge.
Since then, as I didn't need to meet the parameters, I removed the goal but didn't actually replace it with another. Her goal once on the train is simple, survive. But adding in the goal to get on the train in the first place will also add in some stakes, if she doesn't survive then the original goal won't be achieved... what are the consequences of that.
Got to get my thinking cap on for that one.

Thanks for pointing out all of the grammar/issues. Time to open it back up for a good rewrite  

Let me know if you have any scripts up you would like a read on  

Matt