Claws by Glynn Turner - Thriller - A young couple on a weekend getaway end up with an uninvited guest, forcing the pair to turn badass while mutually sickening each other by revealing their criminal pasts. 97 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Glynn.

G and the Three Bs, huh? Retold for modern sensibilities. Yeah, lots of fun – good dialogue, good action, good character development. I enjoyed it, and two things especially:

1) I was assuming it’s a story about them and their relationship; they’ve both risked their own lives to save each other, so maybe they can overcome C’s lying… But then suddenly C is toast and there’s still 20 pages left, it was G’s story all along. Caught me by surprise, good job.

2) The series of reveals of their hidden secrets was really effective, I thought. Or at least the reveals themselves (“you were supposed to be a one-night stand”), and their timing. Although I question the whole, repeated C “let’s tell each other a secret” device used to produce those reveals (pp. 22, 28, 36, 47); seems kind of artificial, especially since C never tells her his own deep, dark secret, even after hearing hers. Unless… does he want to tell it, but finally each time just can’t bring himself to? Script didn’t give me that impression, though….

Not sure how close to the real world you want the story to be. G is a fairy tale, but you identify this as a thriller. I read it as meant to be close to real-world stuff, but that gave me a couple of problems. To whit…

* Can’t see much difference in their banter between before and after there’s a grizzly bear in the next room. Are they really not particularly afraid? Because I would be terrified, and I’m sure the way I spoke to my wife would reflect that; probably not too much light-hearted everyday humor.

* And then after they’re both really seriously hurt, they keep joking. (C: “Does this mean you’re not vegan anymore?” after the bear was just chomping on his head.)

* Do grizzlies eat people? Only if they’re starving, I would guess…. So the bears’ behavior seemed divorced from the real world. I guess maybe that’s supposed to be due to Covid (p. 82)? If so, any way to make it be because these three bears were for some reason forced to get vaccinated?  

Anyway, a few thoughts that hit me as I read it through a second time:

p. 1 - Maybe don’t introduce your admirable main character with the sound of a flushing toilet? Unless there’s a reason to (I could see the John Travolta character in Pulp Fiction being introduced this way)…

pp. 3-4 - G sounds pretty selfish, but that is of course intentional since we find out better later. You never really know someone’s real character till you see how they respond to their boyfriend being eaten by a grizzly, do you? G gets my vote.

p. 5 - Some misapprehensions about old crabs? I’m 70 and I don’t look like a dropped pie – well, at least not with a paper bag with eyeholes in it over my head.

p. 24 - Hard to believe neither noticed the window till p. 24, only AFTER C’s aborted charge into the kitchen.

pp. 33-4 - “Am I gonna die” sequence. Liked that, and liked C better for it….

p. 38 - “He listened when I needed my Tesla stock to go up.” Loads of great, funny lines throughout the script.

p. 47 - Like how she starts to tell her story in the darkness. But it’s a long story, might be best if most of it ended up being accompanied by a flashback?

p. 54 - “I knew if I told you about prison….” She’s trying to work her courage up to go kill a bear now, so I’m not sure getting into this whole extended conversation about her past seems very natural.

p. 56 - “A huge cloud of white powder.” Great plot development!

pp. 75, 86 - Can you kill a grizz with a handgun? Dunno myself, guess it probably depends on the caliber….

p. 77 – “I’ll get help, and I’ll be back.” Can’t she try to get him out the window one more time (the house is obviously going to be gone before she’ll ever get back)?

p. 84 - Is the bear driven by hunger? Then why keep chasing G so vindictively, there’s plenty of food now that it’s killed the two stoners? Guess by this point we’ve left treating the Bs as genuine grizzlies behind; they’re insane demons from Hell.

pp. 87-9 - Really liked the nightmare sequence – cuffed to hospital bad, fingered by C for the cocaine, lost both legs…. You brought that to an end with a FLASHBACK, though, which confused me. Guess you meant something like END OF NIGHTMARE; RETURN TO PRESENT?

p. 97 - “Going hunting.” I don’t get this, who’s G going to hunt now that the 3 Bs are history? Those guys that got C to smuggle drugs for them? Or… might could have her dress up in a red-hooded cloak from another fairy tale, I suppose….


Anyway, appreciated the script. Hope at least something that I’ve said about it here might help you with it.

Wow, Michael!  
I can't thank you enough for your time.  This is an excellent set of notes you have left me.  I feel like I should be paying you for them!

Thank you very much for your time.  I really appreciate it and don't take it for granted that you have written all this out.  
You have left me some great ideas and thanks for pointing out both the good and bad.  I am always ready to try and improve whatever I have written and you bring up some great points!

If I upset you about the 'face like a dropped pie' comment, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause upset!  I heard someone say that once and it made me laugh so I used it.  

Again, I really appreciate your time, I will think about what you have written much more than you think I will.  It will be on my mind a lot in the next few weeks and I'm really grateful.
Best
Glynn

You’re very welcome, Glynn. I hope something I said makes a difference for you.

No worries about diss of the elderly, they were a big turnoff to me when I was younger too (all these 80- and 90-year-olds stumbling around still get under my skin). Interesting that the old man so described gives up his life for Goldie, wonder if that might change her views any?

Best of luck with your script.

Michael