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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  The Wolf (Drama - Pilot) Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Wolf (Drama - Pilot)  (currently 645 views)
Cooper
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Trying to give this a polish before a competition in a week or so. Let me know if you spot any errors (or bigger issues). I'll definitely read your stuff, if I haven't already.

The Wolf by Cooper Knight (51p)

Thanks!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.

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Cooper  -  June 11th, 2017, 10:58pm
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Cooper
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Here's the updated logline: In the shark tank of America's leading news network, a hungry wannabe reporter sinks her teeth into everyone and anyone standing between her and her rise to power. Looks can be deceiving.

A corporate shakeup threatens the career ambitions of Angelica, an aspiring cable news reporter. She's not afraid to break the rules to end up on top but she's not the only one plotting.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.

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Cooper  -  February 14th, 2017, 2:22am
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cooper,

I'm not a native speaker, so I'm not sure how helpful my notes are going to be.

Anyway, I took *some* :-)     

The logline should be better, especially because your first scenes around your protagonist do not show the dramatic situation of the story.

The poker scene, leading to the fourth wall breaking character introduction, isn't bad, partly interesting for my taste and I like to see her on screen. Then a further scene continues, with an equally stylistic way, when you finish the main introduction of her via text-messaging. There's little about what the "whole" series will feel like. Next scene BALLROOM is a slow scene too by the way (<- cut Wells dialogues to the possible minimum here, it's only information).

I got no problem with those first scenes as long as the logline tells me what exciting stuff is to be expected. But the logline does not do the job. It's vague and not even giving a true feeling about genre and atmosphere. So, at this point, let's immediately take a look at the logline:

"A corporate shakeup threatens the career ambitions of Angelica, an aspiring cable news reporter. She's not afraid to break the rules to end up on top but she's not the only one plotting."

Look: As far as I think that you may want to win that certain competition or successfully pitch the script somewhere to get it on air later -- then this woman here must have bigger than life status. And you must sell her like that. She has to be exciting, deadly motivated, ruthless, empathic or likeable, the smartest person in the room. And what opposes her must be equally dramatic.

Keyword: Emotions. Let me get a feel for that stuff.

"career ambitions" " aspiring cable news reporter" - that's too nice and lovely  (<- So, is she hungry? How much? And Why?)
"afraid to break the rules" – not enough either
"but she's not the only one plotting" - too soft as well

A Pattern of mine:

In the political shark tank of America's leading news network, a rookie reporter with street smarts sinks her teeth into each and everyone between her and her rise to power.  

^^A lifeless pattern yet, but it at least exemplary dramatizes stuff.

The question is: What fascinates you about Angelica? What do you love about her?

And I mean direct actions that she actually fulfils within the series…

I doubt your precise answer is: it's her ambitions and that she's not afraid to break rules… or something like that.

Only your exact answer to that question, in few words (<-no blabla vague stuff), is what the reader will identify with as well!!!

Not want to burn your logline, it's not completely bad… could just need a further boost.

---

Let's go on now

Not to forget p1: Your main character should have a second name.

P 8/p end page with full sentence  -- everytime
P12 comma before Gary
P15 Fade Out alone on the page.
P16 montage No 5 follows on 3
P18 page break: better end with a full sentence.
P19 (Cont´d) twice in a row
P20 Angelica vacuums – rest of the sentence is already in the slugline

P21 I had some/ even a lot of sympathy for the whole fourth wall concept but eventually it starts to annoy, a bit. Just too frequently used…

Same goes with the asterisk concept. I know a series in spec form works more technical on the page than a feature does, but there's really a lot of stuff like that, editing terminology, CONT'D almost everywhere etc…

Just take back a little here and there --- IMO

P21 You know: So far, save for the first two scenes, everything is happening in the USA VOICE world.

I'm not so sure if this isn't too much on microcosm. There should be at least some generic folks, I use to call them mass characters, that reflect the public world and context of what happens.

Example: Chinatown conference, raging civilians…

Isn't it also a New York City story to some degree?

Another opportunity was to show some of the sex scandal that ruined the CEO. There are few to none consequences and reactions concerning the general public. Some tiny bits would do the job. You can easily fix that before the deadline of the competition.


ANOTHER SIDENOTE: In general, this script is very interesting. I like her which is the most important thing I believe. She's a good character.

As said, just cut her words a bit for the better. The story would accelerate and you will even get more context, impact, and determination into the words she says…

The descriptions on the other hand are flawless to me. I like your style and especially the way you guide me along with repeating the characters' roles: secretary, producer whatever – this stuff is great and helps to keep the overview… you know what you do.

I also recognized you do the slugs differently – it works!

P23 dialogue: comma before Angelica – comma before Mr. Wells   <- better check those out all along (won't point out anymore from now on)

Act three is three pages only!!!

P30 the pages do really fly by, which is good, but I don't feel the rhythm anymore: How much time has passed now? In the beginning you showed her in an apartment with her lover and all that— her playing poker
-- now Angelica entirely lives in the company.

P30 Again I'd definitely suggest to end dialogue at page break with a full sentence.

P31 Important!! I noticed you call Wells "Mike" in the description. This stuff must be 100% consistent. Check all the script in case of consistent character names in descriptions. Such stuff should be tidy as a baby.

P33 In some dialogues – I unfortunately recognize that Angelica isn't completely consistent yet. In her "to camera concept" she's a super-tough beast but she does not really deliver… I think this will happen later – but it confuses, definitely. She steals from a broker but is dominated by Kim f.i. – as you present her, so confident, we originally expect her to demolish Kim…

P34 HAHAHA

KIM
"But if you want to quit, I certainly would not think any less of you."

WTF. HAHAHAHAHA. For real? OMG…


P34 Concept works good for you here.
"What? What do you want me to say?"
I feel for her. It's empathic.

P 34/35  The quick scenes work very well. Especially they serve some needed relaxation from the dialogue heavy parts at the right time -- good cliffhanger as well

Story gets better.

In hindsight, I find you went very quickly over the Jack Rycoff scandal but I'm happy you seem to come to the payoff at some point and his character will make sense…

I still love your descriptions. Those short sentences. Half sentences. Whatever.

P39 "I never should never have tried to find" ??

P39 "A weekend has passed. New York City is getting back to work.
SUPER: MONDAY - 7:30AM"

No problems with this super, but as a whole, wait… now at this point you give me a feeling for time? This super feels uneven.

Because, as said before, I, as a Reader, have/had no real clue how long she works now for USA Voice. You simply could go back and easily give us some more orientation during the time that passed by before.

P40 two blank lines in the middle of the page

P40 bottom: BEGIN FLASHBACK –> at page 41

P41 top: "INTERN JIMMY (O.S.)"--- Definitely a V.O. here

In general, all along I wasn't so sure if you might have interchanged a few O.S. with actual V.O.'s. Better check all of them once again…

P41 "not going make it"

P41
"ANGELICA
(to camera)
Wait -- you can't possibly think
that *I* had something to do with
this?"

In some of those parts she annoys me. It's too self centered storytelling. Like, you know, that beat with the car accident wasn't the holy grail of cinema. The dialogue about the obviously resolution of this crash-beat must either be better or be cut here. IMO better. You should stay with the concept here I believe but give her more punch.

!! Check the whole script with regard to my commentary above.

There were some parts when she's too flat for what actually happened. -> Ahh, fuck, on the other side I like it as it is delivered here as well… she simply got that dry unlikeable humor/charm as well, so better trust yourself :-)

P42 Crazy though isn't.  

Check the last few script pages several times. It noticeably gets a bit messier here. I got the same problem with my stuff when it gets to the ending whereas on the other side I check the opening trillian times.

P46 THE END shouldn't stand alone for my taste


Okay: Of course, some readers will hate your work because of that modern fourth wall concept or sluglines and all that, but honestly in my opinion – you're really good. You noticeably need those decisions… they are good for your personal package.

Story-wise, there were some points were I missed some balance, especially some boring dialogues about news policies felt too extensive executed and it was partly too much settled in the corporate microcosm. I'm sure concerning this, you can comprehend stuff that I perceived as uneven from my notes above. Otherwise: Feel free to ask.

In general -- cut some dialogues. This won't hurt at all. Especially simple informations with few conflict should work as quick as possible all along.

Although I like the script pretty much, I think this could even evolve into something even greater with another draft.

Whatever, when it comes to the character: She is awesome, super intriguing and entertaining as hell.

As a whole, you shouldn't pay someone to judge your stuff. Be confident and invest in pitching. Learning how to pitch needs fucking long time and a fucking lot of attention. The logline shows there's a lot of work for you in that department because you sell the stuff, this massive Quality, very short there. From your storytelling and screenwriting skills, you got all what I believe is needed and wanted.

Anyway, good luck in the competition.    

Very delightful performance. Top quality, Cooper.



No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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Cooper
Posted: February 14th, 2017, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Thank you SO MUCH for the feedback -- I've been busy making changes.

Your notes were spot on, especially on the logline. I had no idea how poor mine was until I read what you came up with. I'm using your suggestion as a new starting point. GREAT advice!!!

You're also right about the page breaks. My software (Trelby) doesn't do it automatically, so I'll have to make sure sentences aren't being broken up in my final version. I'm also going to see if I can find places to add little bits of flavor, outside of USA Voice.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and appreciate the kind words. I'm looking forward to checking out some of your scripts (I'll start with the stuff in your signature).

Thanks again!


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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eldave1
Posted: February 14th, 2017, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Cooper - PM'd you additional notes. I agree with much of what was posted by Prussian above.

Angelica is a great character and I think you have done a great job with her voice.

This is well on its way, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 6th, 2017, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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I think you mentioned being ready to get beat down on this site. I got bad news, you're not gonna get many beat downs if you write like this. Mostly just effusive praise.

Here's some notes...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wufp49hkxvdp36b/wolf.pdf?dl=0



That rug really tied the room together.
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Cooper
Posted: March 8th, 2017, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa! Thanks for the great feedback on this. Your suggestions definitely got me thinking! I really appreciate the read.


Quoted from MarkItZero
I think you mentioned being ready to get beat down on this site. I got bad news, you're not gonna get many beat downs if you write like this. Mostly just effusive praise.

Here's some notes...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wufp49hkxvdp36b/wolf.pdf?dl=0





Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Cooper
Posted: March 8th, 2017, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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And the official post is now up! Thanks Don!

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1488930341/


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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