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Hi, I think for a first script this is a finely crafted piece. I think it could do with having a better pay off. I will have to read it again and comment more. I enjoyed it and it kept me going through it. Just my first impression left me a little lost at the end. My second script is in the drama section called Addy Longhair. If you get a chance. I have had hundreds view the page but not one comment yet.
Just read this. Not bad. It's one of those scripts where it could be part of something bigger, but can also stand on its own as well.
Scenarios like these have been done a great deal, but you've got an alright twist here that makes up for it.
I would say break up your descriptions a little as the paragraphs are a bit long. I run into this problem myself at times. Maybe split them after a sentence or two.
I did notice a few typos and what not, most were underlined since it's in word format, but one that wasn't was on page 6. Nark should be narc.
The only other thing would be in the character names. It makes it more identifiable for the reader, but since they never refer to each other by name in the script, it probably isn't necessary.
I have since gone back though the script and fixed the typos, I was so keen to get it posted being my first script and all, i didn't take the time to proof it. Won't make that mistake again.
I agree that the idea is some what generic, and has been done before in different ways. But it came really easily to me, and i wrote it in like half an hour. My next with hopefully be more original.
Just finished this short and overall it was a good piece.
Your formatting is all in check, I can't really comment on the pacing as it's too short to have any, and for me the dialogue was well written.
One suggestion though try and keep your action descriptions to 4 lines max, professional script readers like to see lots of white space on scripts, it stops overwhelming them before they start to read.
I thought it was very well paced. I liked the way the flashback scenes cut in and out of the story and I reckon the old man got what he deserved. Just one query, on page three it read:
In the corner of a large communal shower, JASON is cowering naked, balled up in the foetal position whimpering. The wall behind him is splattered with blood.
Was that actually supposed to be Jacob or another person called Jason? Wasn't sure if it was a typo, or if Jason was another character, as his name was in caps. If it was supposed to be another character, I reckon it would be better if it was Jacob.
Anyway I thought it was a good short script and I can't think of any alterations that would improve on it, so well done.
Just finished this. All in all, a good read. I honestly didn't see the twist coming. I didn't think Jacob would do something like what he does from the conversation about him giving his dad one year to do the right thing. I agree with the other guys about the paragraphs but I'll also point out that there're a few instances where you tell what you should show. For example, on page one, how does the audience know kids should be playing on the street? On page three, how do they know Ray is wishing for a cold beer. Fix that stuff. Otherwise, you've got a solid work here. Good job.
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Do The Time
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