An Unpleasantly Meaningful Tale about Dreams and Other Unpleasant Notions by J A Parker (GravyBoatMan) - Short, Comedy, Drama - This is an unpleasant story of dreams and what they can do to some. 8 pages - rtf, format

I found this oddly creepy, GBM.

I like how you had to old man tell us the different kind of dreams there are in reality and how they can affect us in anyway...though that is what you were trying to do.

But I didn't understand what was going on in the vet's office. What was going on?

Sean

ah cool short!  Like Zombie Sean said it had an old school creepy feel about it.

* SPOILER *

* The Vet, the woman dreamed her animal would be okay but that wasn't the case no?  That's my impression anyway.

Overall a cool story and a fun read.

Hey, thanks for reading guys.

I've written a few shorts in the same sort of style. This certain short is about dreams and how some people will give up a lot, or even, everything to follow their dreams only to end up having them shattered.

SPOILERS!!

The woman in the vet is only actually trying to get a job there. She wanted to be a veterinarian but was turned down. It was just to show that even the smallest of dreams can blow up in your face.

Thanks for giving it a read guys.

So, given the choice between "wonderful" and "unpleasant", it was a pretty easy choice for me.  Go figure.  And darned if it's not another one of those noodle-head stories seemingly designed to frustrate those who like a straightforward narrative.

That's a tease, actually.  I like how you choose to tell your stories in an unconventional fashion -- from what I've read, anyway.  It's a style that you seem very comfortable with.  Have you ever checked out Brea's "Devil in D Minor"?  You are the kind of audience she wrote that for, I think.  Give it a look sometime.

I liked this one -- and I got some spoilers -- but they aren't really that important in a story like this:

*  You begin with the woman, but we leave her halfway through the story.  Better to begin with your rock star, perhaps.  Start and finish in the same place.
*  Hey, hasn't anybody told you about the rule around here -- where you are not allowed to write stories about failed writers that end up doomed and disappointed?
*  Without having read your comment about the vet job, I wouldn't have gotten that at all.  I was thinking more along the lines of a dead pet.  And running into the door like that might be a little over the top.  Maybe she could step in some dog crap haha.
*  "...with a pinch of perfect and a sprinkle of luck..."  This is a patch of dialogue that has been tweaked just right.  Nice.
*  And you leave the identity of our narrator unresolved.  I don't suppose you have to tell us who it is, but if you've got something in mind, I would put it out there at the end of this piece.  It would help it feel more complete, explaining why and how we were witness to this series of vignettes.

I found your choice of narrator -- an old English gentleman -- to be disappointingly conventional.  I mean, it could really be anyone, couldn't it?  Why not an old African woman?  Their voices always seem to carry an edge of wisdom and subtle menace that might serve this story well.  Or why not a child?  I think there are plenty of choices better suited for this story.

Anyway, I suppose now I'll have to check out the "happy" story one of these days.  They are meant to be a matched set, aren't they?  And thanks for your words on "All-Mart", by the way.  I appreciated what you wrote a great deal.  

Hey Bert, thanks for giving this a read and writing such great and helpful comments.

Quoted Text Hey, hasn't anybody told you about the rule around here -- where you are not allowed to write stories about failed writers that end up doomed and disappointed?

Ha, oops, I hadn't realised... I must go over the rules sometime...

Quoted Text And running into the door like that might be a little over the top.  Maybe she could step in some dog cr** haha.

I agree. I guess I only put that in there so I could put in the line that followed it.

Quoted Text I found your choice of narrator -- an old English gentleman -- to be disappointingly conventional.  I mean, it could really be anyone, couldn't it?  Why not an old African woman?  Their voices always seem to carry an edge of wisdom and subtle menace that might serve this story well.  Or why not a child?  I think there are plenty of choices better suited for this story.

Have you ever seen The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? I kind of took the narrator/guide off that film and used him in my own way. He brought such a wonderful touch to the film that was very funny. He was played by Stephen Fry, you know him? That's what kind of feel I wanted for the narrator I guess but the old African woman (kind of like the Oracle from the Matrix really) and the child are good.

So again, thanks for your words Bert. I always like to hear what you think.

Ah, this was cool. I really like the style and feel of the story. In my mind (as I was reading it) I totally imagined this as a slow motion, stylish and perfectly symmetrically shot short film with just the right touch of background music to accompany the narrator’s voice. I think what would be cool is if you would reveal the narrator in the end, by maybe having him just walking into frame delivering his last lines into the camera or something, but more importantly if this would be someone who has been in the short the entire time but only in the background and out of our (Audience's) attention. So when people see this again they could actually spot him just sitting in the back at the vet’s office or something along those lines. I guess this would make him sort of like an observer who watching over our lives and is now telling us (the audience) the story. Might wrap it up a little nicer. So that’s just my angle...and after reading "bert's" review this popped into mind. But overall...I liked it. Cool and original, I could image this on Atomfilms.com or ifilm.com.

PS: The narrator doesn't need to be an old English gentleman but (in my opinion) definitely need to be old.

Oh and by the way, your title sort of reminded me of:
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (Great movie. Michel Gondry is an imagery God)

It really caught my attention immediately cause it stood out of the line. Don’t know if it was intentional but it worked.

Thanks Bertalan for the words. Your view on the Narrator is great.

Quoted Text like an observer who watching over our lives and is now telling us (the audience) the story

That is really cool.

And the title I just wanted to be really out there, you know? Something that will stand out and that explains the entire short story. My title for this, and the others I have wrote in a similar style, are kind of like little synopsis' so you know what you are about to read before you even click to read it.

Thanks again for the comments.

For a short movie, it has a really long title. Not that it makes the story bad or anything. I thought it was pretty good. The one thing I really didn't like was the narrator guy. I don't know, he just seemed a little cliche to me. Overall, nice job.

Alanah~

Very good little short with alot of potential. I think Bert's comments were right on target for the most part. I also agree that the voice should not be an englishman its kinda not relative but thats my opinion for what it's worth. I really enjoyed the subject matter and all the transistions from dream to dream i thought it was great. I definitely think the end needs to be tweeked a bit but otherwise great work!

BL-

Thanks for the words surferchicky and sweatshop. Yeah, a lot of people are having problems with the narrator, mostly because I said he was English. And I actually wanted him to sound a little cliche, it's supposed to be that sort of comedy. I've actually recently modified the whole "Englishman" voice to just sound like it could be any 'wise' person speaking so that the reader can choose the way the narrator sounds themselves. I think that might be better.

I will have the rewrite to this... PLUS a new and most likely final piece, which I will submit both together real soon. Thanks again.

GBM