Ghosts of Christmas Past by A Member - Short, Horror -  On a dark Christmas night, Brian finds traditions from his boyhood--and regrets from his past--have come back to haunt him. 12 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - rtf, format

This is a touching story I found engrossing. I liked it very much.

That said, however, it had little to do with a milk and horror theme. It read more as a drama, with a haunting quality. Nice inspirational piece.

The dog's name, Barney, is spelled Barley in one place.

Yeah, there's no horror here.  I don't buy that Brian was that scared when he thought his dad was in the room.
In that same scene, I thought there a little too much nervous talking by Brian.  Too many cliches.
Also, you can use standard formatting to indicate flashbacks.  Make sure "FLASHBACK to" is the first thing in the scene action after the new slugline.  It makes us realize we are in a different time/place quicker.

Accepting this script on its own terms, I appreciate the thought and effort put forth.  I actually think it was quite bold of the writer here to do something so against the grain.  It was a complete story.  My only real quibble is that it felt a little too one note.  A few contrary moments thrown in to break the mood would be beneficial.  You need to up the stakes a bit.

I nice touching story here. I liked it, but once more the format...no I mean, the paragraphs wwre a problem for my readding indeed. After we all to know the names you go back and clean that paragraphs.

Good writting!

I also found this to be a touching story, like the others.  I also did not think it was horror, but more of a dramatic piece.  A well written one at that.

Brian was a realistic character and one with some issues.  You can do a lot with a guilt-ridden character, and you have.

I recommend that you rewrite this story.  Take your time with it and sees what else develops with it.


Phil

Hey.

Very good, one of those spine tinglers that really touch you.

However, it was not a horror, which is what the contest called for. But other than that you did very well, your format was fine, your descriptions and dialogue were fine, Brian was a very well done character.  If you do re-write this though, as phil suggested, I recommend you flesh out Danielle a bit more, and perhaps give barnie a bigger part, like the dad throws the ball for him or something,but that might be too corny.

Good job.

-Tyler

Given a little “insider information” on this one, I will assume the author has access to someone that can assist them with their formatting snafus -- particularly in regards to camera directions -- we get one right off the bat -- but I’m gonna let those slide for the most part.

But that first one really bugs me.  “Camera Pans” we are told -- but it’s our opening shot -- we are not panning from anywhere haha.  It makes no sense.  Anyways, just lose ‘em.

And the opening is kind of wordy -- stuff like “obviously” and “clearly visible” and “apparently” -- lose this extra verbiage.  Just cut ‘em right out and read your descriptions without them.  See how it’s tighter?  You are kind of wordy throughout this story, actually.  Work on that.  But that first cut to the graveyard is pretty good, though.  I do like that alot.

The dialogue here is good.  One of the primary strengths of this story.  Even the long patches from Brian gave me nothing to complain about.

With the couch scene, we again have lots of “appears to” and stuff.  If we are supposed to see that stuff, describe it as it is, not as "it appears" to be.  Say there IS an indentation on the couch, and the shadows ARE strange.  It will read stronger.  And how can a director “apparently” show something, anyway?

Now that things are getting creepy, I feel that Brian is talking to himself too much.  The lines directed towards his father are plenty.  Lose the idle speculation about pinching himself and so forth.

Now the flashbacks are becoming troublesome.  They need their own sluglines, and the dialogue would be designated as (V.O.) -- get some help from your “friend” with these aspects in particular, as all this cutting back and forth is a bit confusing.

And the story ends well, with a satisfying conclusion.  The atmosphere is another strong point here.  It’s a quiet story, and works well on its own terms.  I don’t think there is much more that this story needs to say, so I am not sure what the other readers would want you to expand upon.  It is already quite good -- but if the longish descriptive passages and format were tightened up -- it would be better still.  

Nice story, but I too have to agree that the horror was absent, unless guilt can be interpeted as horror. Probably not to most people, but who knows. Other than the glass of milk with the cookie, there wasn't really milk in this one either.

This was very well written however, but too desriptive and wordy for a screenplay. Don't let that discourage you though, I used to do the same and I believe it's a lot easier to learn how to be brief, or terse even, than it is to learn how to add in an effective way.

The story here is good, reminds me a lot of "Linus" (a short here) in many ways except that one had to do with the guilt of what to do with your old pets. Kind of the same idea.

I think this script could probably be cut in length by 15-20%. A lot of that would be the lengthy descriptions, but even the dialogue. Remember when you go to rewrite this that every single line you write, has to move the story forward. That goes for dialogue as well. There was a little too much talking that didn't really add much. I was recently told in my own thread for this OWE that "there's something curiously boring about other people's happiness". He was right! I'm mentioning it to you because I think the same thing could be said about this script.

You wrote this well and it's a nice story, you just need to work on writing it in a better screenplay way.

Good job.  

****SPOILERS****

Technically:

I appreciate your writing skill. It’s always nice to read something well written descriptively and properly proofread. It’s very obvious that your writing experience is more in the book vein. However, that can work to your disadvantage with scripts. Sometimes you over describe. Screenplays should flow not only smoothly but relatively quickly. A lot of white on a page is good.

The first bit of dialogue was chunky. Big blocks of dialogue don’t work very well in scripts. It needs to be broken up with action. Movies are much more visual and need characters to physically do something at regular intervals. That’s why so many movie characters smoke or drink or do some little oddball activity while they talk. The director may cut the action if he feels it’s better without it but the actual script needs to have that action there for character reference. Don’t add some arbitrary action - just something that character would do in that particular situation.

Sometimes you put wrylies (adjectives in parentheses) or action in parentheses, such as “smiles faintly,” with a large block of dialogue. It would be better to break up the dialogue with the smiling faintly description. It’s okay to have short descriptive paragraphs.

Other things:

P1 - A panning camera and other direction just remind readers they’re reading a script. It interrupts readers’ ability to suspend disbelief.

College robes? If he’s a teen and holding a diploma, I assume you mean graduation cap and gown.

Please number pages (preferably in the upper right hand corner with a period). It’s just easier to read and review.

You only need to capitalize characters’ names upon introduction and to indicate dialogue.

P6 and P10 - Brian’s out-of-scene narration should be a voice over (V.O.)

P6 - Brian says he discovered his father was drinking the milk and cookies left for Santa at age seven and continued the tradition until he left for college. I found it nearly impossible to believe that Brian’s father could have continued this tradition with a grown man. Even if Brian knew the truth, it was absurd to think his father would actually have a college-bound son who left cookies and milk for Santa. That was just too unbelievable. This tradition should have ended earlier than college age.

P9 - Barley - Barney

Story wise:

I generally liked the story. People coming to terms with their demons is always an interesting story because it cuts so deeply into real life. Sometimes I felt like Brian’s demon of having placed his father in a nursing home was perhaps not dramatic enough. It seems that his relationship with his father was perfect except for that.

Don’t get me wrong. I can certainly understand the anguish of having to put a loved one into a nursing home. But given that Brian’s father was so well taken care of, I didn’t find this motivation alone to be all that wrenching.

I would have liked to have seen some more tension - more drama - more conflict. Danielle (who could have had a larger role) was fine as the comforter but Brian’s relationship with his father needed something more. Maybe his father should have been afraid to go to the home and didn’t want to but Brian wouldn’t listen. Maybe show a reason for him to wonder if he did the right thing - why it may have been selfish. Or maybe something happened there and his father wasn’t treated fairly. Maybe his father died as the result of neglect and Brian desperately needed some type of catharses.

As it is, I felt comfortable that Brian did everything he could and had no compelling reason to feel so doubtful of the sincerity of his actions. I think you should make this Brian character someone who needs forgiveness - not just someone who thinks he might. Make him someone who truly screwed up and truly transforms. That will make your story a story of redemption.

Overall, it’s very novel-like descriptively. As far as novel description, you’re very talented and I like your writing. As far as screenplays, you’re a talented writer who still just needs to adapt to this new style and I have every bit of confidence that you can do it. You’ve obviously acquired some writing proficiency with a very difficult type of literature already. That part will come in time. But as a storyteller, I think you need to make things harder on your characters.

So it’s a good job overall but put your characters through the ringer and don’t make it easy on them.

Brea

This was a sweet little melancholic story of a son recalling his father's death at Christmas. It's really more of a drama than horror, but I'm sure that's been drilled into the ground. I'm actually a sucker for these types of stories.

I like the presence of the spirit, which is about all that puts the story into the horror vein, and I like that the presence is physically manifested. Gotta also love the tearjerker ending.

Sometimes Brian tells a lot of stuff that could possibly be shown in flashbacks. If there is anyway of showing something that is being discussed, then that is the preferable way to do it. I say this because most of the script is Brian chattering and telling all about everything in his life. Sometimes this works, but you have to ensure you're not stepping on the toes of the visual. Everything goes for the visual.

Format-wise, you do direct the camera occasionally. Avoid "we see's" and other directions that take us out of the script. We specialize in speculation scripts on this site, so that's what we critique for as well.

I liked your script. I enjoy solid character scripts that build to a satisfying ending. Brian was well developed because he let loose on his wishes and desires and regrets, and all of these things made him more than just a character on the page. It made him someone we can care about.

Well done.

Hi to all.

I really want to thank everyone for reading the script, and providing input...both criticism and praise!  Needless to say, it's helpful and encouraging (and has me wondering what the heck I'm going to do for a second script...!)

I completely agree with the formatting issues.  I need to rewrite, and tighten up - loosely the "camera pans" direction, etc.  I'm lucky enough to have access to Final Draft, so I was able to get away with a good deal of ignorance about screenplay formatting in general, and let the software do alot of the work.  But I've definitely got to learn the rules of the road for formatting!

Thanks for catching the bloopers, too (Barney/Barley and the college gown, in particular.)

Brea - while I understand where you're coming from with your review, I actually wanted to keep it subtle.  I didn't want Brian to be a cartoon villian, callously throwing his dad in a nursing home, despite his protests.  I've had some experience with nursing homes, and even the best, well meaning of them are not a place that you want to be - if you're not senile, you're in with people that are (at least a little), and people end up with not much more to do than stare at a TV, interacting with a staff that can tend to be patronizing.  Then think about putting a parent in there (or think about what it would be like to end up there yourself.)  I felt that was enough reason for guilt - leaving Brian enough of a "good guy" that you feel sorry for him, as opposed to condemning him outright.

But enough gloom and doom - I'm looking forward to polishing this script, and I really like how supportive this board is!  You folks are really great, and thanks again.  (Now, what the heck can I do for a second script

Quoted from wonkavite (Now, what the heck can I do for a second script

That's easy. Keep your eyes open for inspiration. When you find something, you'll know it.

Quoted from wonkavite I've had some experience with nursing homes, and even the best, well meaning of them are not a place that you want to be - if you're not senile, you're in with people that are (at least a little), and people end up with not much more to do than stare at a TV, interacting with a staff that can tend to be patronizing.  Then think about putting a parent in there (or think about what it would be like to end up there yourself.)

Sounds good (the idea, not the nursing home) but I don’t think you fully achieved it. I don’t think you captured that. In the scenes of Richard in the nursing home, everything seemed for the most part okay. He was slumped in a wheelchair, worn and thin, but that could have been his condition no matter where he was. We see Brian feeding him and helping him to the bathroom, which he would have had to do anyway. The one scene of the aid feeding him and leaving him in his room with the flickering TV is the only scene that fits what you were trying to get across and it’s a fraction of a second.

I wasn’t suggesting making Brian a cartoon villain. I was suggesting that you show us why he’s torn about his decision. Of course, I can imagine it on my own. But I wanted you to show me in the script and I don’t think you accomplished that fully. I would have liked to have seen and felt for Richard what he went through and to have seen that Brian could know and understand that.

I thought it'd be good to bump this script up from the one-week-challenge, given the subject matter.


Phil