A Hero's Gift by Pia - Short, Drama - A young boy learns that not all presents come in a box with a fancy wrapper. Some of the best presents are not even wrapped at all. 6 pages - pdf, format

WOW Pia, this was very good.  It was sad but you gave the ending hope.

I don't know if I can find anything that I didn't like or that I think you should change.  I thought it flowed very well, your descriptions were great, and the character of Walter, eventhough only in two pages, was well written and added a lot.

I really don't know what else to say other than good job.

This is a very touching story, Pia, though I picture it as the first scene of a longer peace.  It was tightly written with good description and dialogue.

My only problem with this is--

--SPOILER--

Why does Walter carry his war medal in his pants?  Also, was it in his pants pocket or his pants?  It was a little weird.


Phil

I really like this one, Pia. Very touching. Again, you set the scene very well with some strong visuals. The story is similar in tone to Burning Bridges. It's very sad but ends on a note of hope. I'd like to see just a little more from Walter, perhaps extend their conversation a bit, but as Jordan says, he makes quite an impact in just two pages.

I don't have a problem with him keeping a medal in his pants. He's a hobo, right? Hobo's keep all kinds of stuff in their pants (don't ask me how I know this)

Nice work, Pia,

Martin (disagreeing with Phil whenever the opportunity arises)

Thanks Don, that was quick, just sent it in last night.

Thanks for reading Jordan, Phil and Martin.

I see now how the groping in the pants comes off as Walter possibly being a pervert. That was not my intention. I need to rewrite that for sure. I was thinking thinking of Walter as being homeless and a drunk and therefore keeping the few possessions he has that mean something a little closer to his body than just a pocket.

Yes, I know it was a little bit like BB, but I figured I do a Hollywood and milk it till it's dry. Shame on me.  

Just so you all know, this is the first script I've ever written where no one dies and no sex!   I don't know if that's good or bad, maybe I'm just getting old.

Quoted from tomson I see now how the groping in the pants comes off as Walter possibly being a pervert. That was not my intention. I need to rewrite that for sure.

Y'know, that little misdirection could work to your advantage. Build a little suspense before the reveal...

Very touching story. Poor Joey thinking he did wrong by calling 911. I think it was very well written and it did stir up some emotions at the end when I finished reading it. Walter, god bless him, might be down on his luck but he proves that he deserved that medal to begin with by giving it to joey. Very good story indeed.

Quoted from tomson Just so you all know, this is the first script I've ever written where no one dies and no sex!

And that's why it sucked so tremendously.


Phil

A excellent short with character, christmas cheer and a broken family! This started a lot like Burning Bridges, but took its own path.

A couple of grammatical errors...

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

The faint light of dawn illuminates the room...

Not quite sure this was an error but it just seemed contradictory.

Some of your dialogue margins are out further than the others, an astronomical flaw, i know.

All in all, a quick easy read with a large pay off.

This was a nice, short Christmas story. I haven't read any of the previous comments so sorry if I repeat anything already said:

SPOILERS

1. So, the two parents were fighting, but when Joey gets up to get milk and cookies, he opens the door and sees the mom sleeping? What happened to Rodger and the fight? At first I thought it was a dream or something, but I don't know if I missed something, but sorry if I did.

2. I liked Walter. Even though you described him like an old hobo (the leg mishap and the drink in the brown bag), he still seemed like a good guy.

3. I liked the ending. It felt all Christmasy towards the end.

4. Nice description, dialogue, etc.

I think that's it. And that was a nice save Walter made too with the whole Medal of Honor thing (even though he replaced the Army stuff with Santa stuffs).


Sean

Quoted from Martin Y'know, that little misdirection could work to your advantage. Build a little suspense before the reveal...

Pia,

I agree -- when I read it, I thought, "oh, no," but then exhaled, realizing the old man wasn't a pervert. The uncertainty, brief as it is, adds, I think, to the scene.

As for the story itself. It was an interesting one. Sad, but, in the end, hopeful. The writing was excellent. That said, I only have one comment, and it's a minor one --

"The living room is small and depressing. A pathetic Christmas tree with branches weighted down by too much tinsel and flea market ornaments sits in a corner, no presents underneath."  

Given what is an excellent discription of a depressing room -- one with a xmas tree, absent gifts, weighted down by too much tinsel and flea market ornaments -- there isn't a need to tell us that the room is depressing. Your discriptives, spot-on as they are, show us.  
  
Seth

Quoted from JaimeM Very touching story. Poor Joey thinking he did wrong by calling 911. I think it was very well written and it did stir up some emotions at the end when I finished reading it. Walter, god bless him, might be down on his luck but he proves that he deserved that medal to begin with by giving it to joey. Very good story indeed.

Thanks for reading Jaime and thanks for the kind words.

Quoted from dogglebe And that's why it sucked so tremendously. Phil

Just copying this so I can look at it once in a while.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper A couple of grammatical errors... Some of your dialogue margins are out further than the others, an astronomical flaw, i know.

Thanks for reading Alex!
As far as grammar goes, it's a bit of a toughie for me, but I do appreciate when people point it out.

The margins, I was messing with the margins, because I participated with this at another site   and 5 pages was max aloud. Kind of like the OWC, but I had 48 hours. I think I wrote it in one sitting and did the touch up the second sitting, so there are more margin errors, but I won't point them out.  

Quoted from Zombie Sean This was a nice, short Christmas story. 1. So, the two parents were fighting, but when Joey gets up to get milk and cookies, he opens the door and sees the mom sleeping? What happened to Rodger and the fight? At first I thought it was a dream or something, but I don't know if I missed something, but sorry if I did. 2. I liked Walter. Even though you described him like an old hobo (the leg mishap and the drink in the brown bag), he still seemed like a good guy. I think that's it. And that was a nice save Walter made too with the whole Medal of Honor thing (even though he replaced the Army stuff with Santa stuffs).Sean

Thanks Sean, glad you liked it!

1. I meant for Rodger to be his mother's looser boyfriend, I guess I wasn't clear.
2. Walter is supposed to be a Vietnam war vet and I meant to hint towards him loosing his legs while earning that medal.

Quoted from Seth when I read it, I thought, "oh, no," but then exhaled, realizing the old man wasn't a pervert. The uncertainty, brief as it is, adds, I think, to the scene. "The living room is small and depressing. A pathetic Christmas tree with branches weighted down by too much tinsel and flea market ornaments sits in a corner, no presents underneath."   Given what is an excellent discription of a depressing room -- one with a xmas tree, absent gifts, weighted down by too much tinsel and flea market ornaments -- there isn't a need to tell us that the room is depressing. Your discriptives, spot-on as they are, show us.

Thanks for the compliments Seth!  
  
I know what you and Martin are saying, but I write plenty of that sort of thing normally. I decided that This is Christmas after all. I should write something nice for a change. Otherwise I would've submitted "Mrs. Clause and the North Pole", but it just didn't seem Kosher, if you know what I mean...

About the use of the word depressing..very true, I'll take that out. I have a tendency to be too descriptive.

PS. I will start reading again soon, just been busy is all.

Thanks again everyone!

Pia

I liked it.  You're good at shorts.  

Beautiful story, Pia.

I only have one suggestion and that is that you keep writing.

This is the second one of your stories that's revolved around a kid in an abusive home environment.  Is this an issue that's of particular interest to you, or is just a coincidence?

Pia are you a criminal justice investigator or something? All of your stories have some domestic violence or rape or something in them!  

Anyway, it was a most excellent story, though I wanted more.  You could, and probably should, expand it out more, if not to a feature, then something like 20 pages or so.  The sad home life and the degrading feeling of a child waking up on Christmas morning to see nothing under the tree is expressed well as is the touching sequence with Walter.

At the end, while I was very happy for Joey and Walter, there was still that part of me that wanted to see the home thing resolved, or at least see an ending to that.  So I definitely think you should flesh this out more, though I must say it was very touching for Walter to do what he did.  Most honorable.

So yes, most triumphant job!