4:15 by Dale Murray (cirrus) - Series - It was a normal summer’s day in Felking… That was until it hit 4:15 and the living dead began to roam the streets. Now the survivors are trapped in a city of death and mystery. Like the city they all have their own secrets where some are more involved than others while some are more involved than they think. 40 pages - doc, format

I enjoyed your script very much. It has a Lost feel to it.  The lights flickering scene in the beginning was bit cheesy and does not need it. And you should physically show how the girls made it to the other house at the end. That arc was the strongest one.

Right off the bat I'm noticing a lot of "telling rather than showing", especially when it concerns your character's emotions.  I'll use the first instance that really popped out at me as an example.

Quoted Text Julia bites her bottom lip as she looks over towards the door showing her desire to leave the dark Morgue.

If you have to tell us that Julia biting her lip and looking at the door means she wants to leave then it's not a good enough description. Maybe have Julia glance at a clock or her watch and roll her eyes or something. Anything that implies she wants to leave without being so blatant about it.

You do this again a lot with the short exchange between Claire and Janice.

There was also another scene later where Rachel goes into the kitchen and you explain that Bobby, a character we haven't seen or even heard of is missing. You could and probly should just cut that whole sentence out. When she enters an empty kitchen to investigate a strange sound and starts calling for Bobby, we get the idea. Bobby's missing.

One thing that really stood out to me as a strong point of the script is the characters all seem to be very 3-Dimensional and they all feel like completely different people kudos on that. The only thing that stood out as awkward to me was the Reporter that Claire is watching. The dialogue just never felt real to me in that scene. In life Reporters tend to be very well spoken but the reporter comes off as one of the least articulate people in the script. I think the only reason it really stands out is because the rest of the dialogue is pretty strong.

This to me was the scripts only shortcomings. Good story, and great characters but as far as your writing is concerned everything that isn't dialogue really needs some work to make this thing a really solid script.

Just a few more minor things:

Number One is the typos. Without page numbers it's hard to judge but I'd say your typos reach the double digits well before the page count does and that's never a good thing. Good news is that it's mostly a lot of really small simple stuff and those are things you'll probly spot yourself eventually with multiple drafts.

Really minor thing here is that you sometimes slip into past tense. I only really noticed it a time or two but still something you'll want to get rid of.

All in all I think you've gotta good story here and I hope to see where it goes. Maybe give this draft a little more work before moving on to Episode Two though. If you plan on continuing the series that is.