The Man I Killed by Adam Hebel - Short - A young American soldier in Vietnam experiences first hand the effects of war and death. This short script has been adapted from novelist Tim O'Brien's "The Man I Killed," an exerpt from his novel "The Things They Carried."  7 pages - pdf, format

Any feedback would be much appreciated! Thank you. -Adam-

You ask and I obey lol.

I'm not aware of Tim O'Briens work so this will be sorely based on your script...here goes.

I enjoyed this read, good descriptions but maybe a little too indepth at times.  I liked the way the story is told visual from Tim but narrated from the Vietnamese soldiers view.  I don't know if the this is the way O'Brien wrote it but its good.

Your characters dialogue was good overall but at times read a little off.

I think you mentioned the dead soldiers features too often e.g. his undamaged nose was mention several times.  This is acceptable in a novel but not needed in a spec script.  Short and sweet so I'm told.

Overall this had a good feel to it and really enjoyed it.  Good stuff mate.

We all have different styles.  But after the missles go off on the first page, maybe you could milk him slowly getting up.  You say slowly, but maybe describe it.  IE:  Tims face is in the dirt he hears:  explosions, dirt flies on his face.  Then, all his silent, except for a cricket in the background.  He slowly lifts his head up and sees, Azra.  

I like Azra.

On page 3 you say despite the 90 degree heat, you should describe it.  Show us the sun, the heat and the sweat.  Then tell us its 90 degrees. Then he shivers.

I like your descriptions, pretty vivid.  Especially of the dead guy.

Lastly, on the last page you say the sun doesn't shine through the trees anymore.  I don't think you showed us that it ever did.  

Also you say he is left looking down upon the man.  Maybe say he's looking down upon the man he killed while the soliders around him walk away from the body leaving Tim there by himself.  
Then the voice over, then have tim walk away.

But while Tim's looking at this body, I'm kinda wondering what else is going on.  Like wheres the bad guys, and whats Azra and the other men doing.  You can still get us involved in his emotions while showing everyone else.  As a matter of fact, showing us what everyone else is doing and having Tim stand there shocked, shows us just how much of an impact this moment moment made for him.

I like the message, emotional.

Hey.

Very emotional. The stress that war can put on ones mind. WOW!  I like the dialoge very well put.

While all of this is taking place I mean he is looking at the body for almost 6-7 minutes right? Have you ever watched a war film?  If you were in the middle of a war and you shot someone there are ussally alot more around. This is the only part that does not make sense. But all in all very well put.

Keep up the good work.

Dan

Like th others mentioned, I did enjoy the descriptions, but felt they could have been a little more concise.  I'm assuming that the repeat descriptions of the body is something that was done in the short story as well, so it flies.  I don't know if it was entirely necessary as a description though.

In regards to the amount of time he spends looking at the body, it makes sense.  This is obviously Tim's first kill, and it's something that's really gonna stick in his head long after.  I don't agree with Dan's assesment that it was 6-7 minutes though.  Maybe 3.

And there was one line of dialogue I didn't like, which was Kiowa saying "I'm sorry".  Not sure if that was in the short story or not, but it just rings false.  This is a war we're talking about here, and if that line of dialgoue were to be extended in context it would be "I'm sorry you had to kill the guy that was trying to kill all of us".  It's just off.

Anyway, a good short which I can say seems to stay true to the short based on the style of it.

Thanks everyone for your positive thoughts...I really appreciate all the critique I've recieved yet so far. I am very new to this site. The feedback is very exciting to read. This short was in fact my first script I've posted on the web.

Alffy - I understand and agree with what you said about the repetition. Mike S. was right about my desire to stay consistant with the style of the short. That was my reasoning behind that...

Joecaholic - I like your suggested revisions. Especially the idea of having cut aways to other soldiers while Tim is standing over the body. I agree that would really enhance the impact Tim is experiencing.

Daniel - Graciás por tú input. With regards to your comment about there being more enemy soliders around...I was being accurate to the original short story. Also, I would assume that there would be no more Vietnamese soldiers around if all were killed in the village or area the Americans were. Again...thanks for the feedback.

Mike - Your def. right about my desire for accuracy. Repitition was a key element to O'Brien's original work. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

Again, thanks all. You will be seeing, or reading, more from me in the future.

-Adam-

I thought I'd check this out seeing as I actually read the novel. I thought this was a generally good adaptation but I think when adapting a novel, you do have to take a few liberties just to ensure the transfer of mediums works well. For example, Tim describes the corpse three times in exactly the same words. Not only is this repetetive but you don't need to mention it once. The corpse is right there. Everyone can see it. Tim doesn't need to describe it even though the description is taken directly from the short story. I also agree with the others about the descriptions and with Mike about Kiowa's "sorry." Lose that one for sure. Other than that, good job.