Knockaround Guys by Daniel J. Toemta - Short - A short written back in 2002, being the first thing I ever wrote, it shows you how bad, hackneyed and plagirized a young person's writing can be. 6 pages - pdf, format

Well Daniel you can see how far you've come from this.  I don't need to tell you about the format issues...so i wont.

Anyway as far as the story goes, well it's ok but ends a bit abrupt.  I wanna know who fired first.  One thing that did bug me though was that Scagnetti had guns behind the closet but he can't move it on his own.  This begs the question, if he was alone in his office the weapons would be rendered useless because he wouldn't be able to get them.

I wonder if you've thought of rewriting this now you understand more about format and the general rules of screenplays?  the story itself maybe needs a little more, it feels a bit rushed at the start.  Jules has a huge chunk of dialogue which needs to be broken up.  Knowing a little more about the characters would be hard for such a short story but not impossible.

I guess I'm saying the concept of the story has promise but just needs a bit of work.  Anyway if you decide to redo this, I'll be happy to give it a read.

Oh I sent you a pm about one of my shorts but if you fancy reading somehting of mine now, the final draft of The Big Stiff been up a while.  I remember you reading an early version but it's now much improved...well I think so lol.

This is a pretty neat caper story.  I was worried at first because of the monlogue swipe from "Reservoir Dogs" and the characters being named "KJules" and "Vincent," but in the end, this has a lot of nice layers and since it's a short, I actually didn't mind the abrupt ending.  

Gee, thanks guys, didn't really expect much positive opinions on this one, I appreciate it.

I should probably also mention to people who hasn't seen the movies, that pretty much all of the material in this short is literally stolen from "Reservoir Dogs", "Pulp Fiction", "Natural Born Killers" and "Snatch".

It's also very interesting to notice that this short contains everything I love about the Tarantino movies, the dialouge, the characters, the plot twists, the special elements in the scenes like off screen action. And the abrupt ending too, sorta like Reservoir Dogs, all that stuff which I love about those movies is in this little short. It's kinda wierd, I haven't thought about this before now. It's actually quite interesting for even me to read it and see how I was thinking back then.

Maybe we should make a new section of the website titled "My First Script."  Seriously, I think that's a pretty good idea(no sarcasm intended).

Honestly, dude, you post this great epic short a couple of weeks ago and then you post the first script you've ever written?  While it is rewarding to compare your current writing with your first pieces, I really don't think this is the kind of stuff you should be posting, especially given the fact that you have advanced so far as a writer.

You're talented.  That's a no-brainer.  But reading this after reading "Miami Story" I feel, well, let down.  I mean it really does look like it was written in 2002, grammar wise and format-flaws and all.  To be completely honest, I didn't really "get" it.  Are these two groups of guys robbing the same bank or something?  Or is one robbing the bank and the other is doing some illegal diamond-stealing thing?  I mean there's so much going on here and there's so many characters and it's only 5 pages!  I was lost.

I don't know what more to say.  I guess if you're going to revive an old piece, add your current knowledge of screenwriting in order to make it the best you can.  What can I say?  Miami Story was much better.

Thanks for your opinions greg, the whole basic backstory thought up by me was that this guy Jimmie was forced to give away this diamond to frankie but he was really gonna steal it for himself. but frankie arrived in town earlier than he thought and he had no time to make arrangments.

Jimmie then approached the mob gangster Joe to rob the bank as a cover to get back the diamond for himself.

That's the basic idea.