The River Is Her Home by Michael Cornetto (mcornetto)  (OWC name - Sallah Telgar)  - Short, Thriller - When a man and his son fall under the spell of a mysterious, beautiful river dweller, they find love is a deadly game.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format

As the last of my three assigned reads, I'd say this one was my favorite of the three.  A nice bit of suspense and action spread throughout, and a good payoff.

Nice work.

Well, I've been reading this top to bottom and bottom to top for an hour and don't know what it's about.  

I think it's about a beautiful nymph that seduces the son so that he runs away from his house.  His father sees her and is immediately lustful.  He f***s her one night and the son watches.  He stabs his father, who kills him.  Meanwhile, in the present, the father has a box wrapped in green that he brings because he wants to steal the ring with the gold signet.  It appears as though he's bringing the girl a present, but he's planning on replacing whatever is in it with the ring that carries lustful, magical powers.  She catches him and he gives in to her.  

The end lost me, which really means the whole thing went over my head.  I know that the the child was the woman because it, (why didn't you declare the child's sex) had green eyes and was capable of producing the same, other worldly song toward heaven.  

There was much imagery that hinted that she possessed power over purity and goodness, particularly the scene in which the bare trees actively hide the stars like a cancer.  While this was some beautiful imagery, I don't know how the description translates to the screen.  Then again, I may be rambling about something that I don't understand at all.

Now we get to the obvious anomaly.  This is a silent film, which means its intent is contained within all the images and colors.

Green is associated with greed and envy.  This nymph obviously controls the hearts of men through her wiles and doubly possesses a gold ring, which, to me, represents an extension of beauty through materialism; but it's also, I belive the article that provides her with her power - that and the erect nipples.

The end, I guess, is about rebirth.  The father and the son are now dead I assume and the child represents a purity, like it no longer exists to weed out lustful family members who cheat and kill behind each other's back.  Maybe the child is sexless because it no longer feeds off lust and has somehow purified the world of two creatures that don't deserve to live.

I don't know.  I know you were going for the artsy and it probably pleases you that you created something that I don't fully understand.  I sort of wish Mike Shelton expressed what it was about this script that made it his favorite.  Certainly many of the passes were beautifully worded, but this felt more like a Virginia Woolf novel than a screenplay - between the interplay of characters whose actions are spiritually entwined and colorful articles of material goods that represent human desires.  I'm thinking particularly of The Waves.

But you lost me, I believe, and I'm going to be nagged for a while, knowing that I probably didn't interpret this work correctly.

I'm being short in my feedback because there are 38 scripts out there, and I'm trying to read them all.

This was my favorite of the three I had assigned to me because it was well written and I could actually make some sense of it.

Alright Mike, I wasn't attacking you.  I just throught you could bring to light the story behind a fascinating screenplay by a very talented writer.  I just wish I could fit together all the pieces of the puzzle.  I feel like I had a grasp on the story the whole time, and I caught how similar description repeated throughout.  Maybe it's because the time changes through me off, maybe it's because my IQ is 2 sizes too small.  Maybe it's because it's a work that demand scrutiny beyond one night's worth of reading.  I don't know.

I realize that this is supposed to be a silent 'movie', but I didn't see this as a screenplay at all, sorry. To me this seems to be more of a fantasy novel, if that.

The descriptions (especially the description of the nymph) reminded me of the years that I participated in text-based Role-Play in IRC and Yahoo chat. The way the sentences are composed as well.

Some examples:

"The table screeches against the floor as he uses it to propel himself in his heated rush towards the door. "

"Then a corner of her mouth turns up but her large sparkling green eyes complete the smile. "

"He holds one arm over it to keep it firmly into place, to cradle it, to protect it..."

"And he slows, he walks gently, softly, quietly."

"The green eyes stare at him, saddened, seductive. They sparkle like the ripples on a green sea at dawn."  

I will stop here.

EDITED: I removed some pointless remarks.

This is currently my favorite script of the ones assigned to me. I really enjoyed how the story could be fluently told through the visual clues such as the boot, the ring, and the scratches on Father's face.

I love scripts that have descriptions that stick in my head long after I've finished reading them, and this one is no exception. However, sometimes the descriptive paragraphs got in the way of the story and annoyed me as I really wanted to figure out what was going on...don't get me wrong, they're still good  

One thing that annoyed me was the constant jumping around through time, as I kept having to scroll up to remind myself what time I was in. However, this decreased as the script passed, but the passage of time could be emphasized a bit more.

I felt the "twist" of the Father murdering his son was a nice touch, as well as the last scene with the child...it kinda made me think of something like the sins of the father carrying on, but I can't really explain it. I really enjoyed this script and will probably read it again in the future  

This seems to be a take on the mythological sirens.

This one is very overwritten. Sometimes writers feel particularly inspired and float off into novelistic description. This might work with a reader who is in the mood for a good novel but for one who has to read a lot of scripts, your novelesque description may be a put-off.

You also give a lot of insights into characters’ feelings that can’t be filmed.

Barely hides her prize -- haha.

Full round clouds of her breasts? -  This is getting ridiculous. You have 12 lines - not counting the space lines - of description of this woman. It takes up nearly half a page and it reads more like a romance novel than a script.

…he tries to remain angry but he calms. He calms. - This type of exposition demonstrates your novelistic approach. Why add the additional, “He calms.” There’s no reason. This script is padded all throughout with fat extraneous descriptions.

I sincerely hope the author doesn’t try and defend this extraneous material by claiming it’s necessary to set the tone of the story. The tone of this story could be set in less than half the exposition here.

He whirls around and with full momentum backhands the woman across the face - Ouch. That hurt just thinking about it.

Her face hidden, she chances a smile - how would viewers see her smile if her face is hidden?

Father f**** her - okay, your description was so eloquent and here you just threw it all out the window. After everything I read up to this point, surely you’re capable of better than this juvenile cr**.

She laughs. He head butts her - this violent sexual relationship is getting old and it’s more and more sounding like a schoolboy’s fantasy. And the man who smacks a woman around only to have her first resist and then reciprocate sexually is borderline offensive to women. It’s beginning to feel misogynistic.

This is a short story disguised as a screenplay.


Breanne

This is one of the better scripts I've read so far. The silent film format was refreshing the story was very intriguing and kept me interested until the end. Even in its modern context, the story felt very classic and definitely reminiscent of Greek mythology and even Shakespeare. Even though nothing was said, I was able to follow what was going on. This was pure visual storytelling, which I think was the strength of this script.

One of the shortcomings of the script was the writing. Not bad by any means but it reads far too much like a novel. There's too many references to emotions in the script as well as too much metaphorical writing. Overall, there was much, much, too much abstraction for a screenplay. I'm not just saying this because of the format. The flowery writing definitely slowed the story down and despite its intrigue, it drug a little bit.

Another shortcoming was the chronology, that is the switching between past and present. I detect a Memento influence here but I just don't think it works. Memento has dialogue so it's easy to detect shifts in chronology. Here, where there's no dialogue, it's much more difficult and much easier to get lost in the story.

Still, this was definitely an interesting and original story and an excellent, innovative use of the genre and theme. Solid work. Good job!

Premise: Retelling of the water nymph myth. Very good I thought. 8/10

Relation to Theme: Good, atmospheric use of boat and location. As for genre? Well not really sure it's a thriller, more of a suspense drama I'd say. 6/10

Story: It suffered slightly from the structure IMO. It would have worked better if you told the story in a more linear fashion. I think, because of the minimalist action that it would be confusing on screen.

You have created a wonderful atmosphere. I didn't think the sons murder was handled particularly well. No-one really seemed that bothered by what was happening so the justification to kill him wasn't really there. I think you'd need to see more of the deceit and jealousy to really get that across.

Lovely effort though. Bit over-written at times for a screenplay but very enjoyable.

The ending is left open to interpretation which I like, we don't know who the father is or what the child's presence portends for the future.  

Good stuff.  8/10

Okay, I'm with stampede here.
I think this was more like a fantasy novel than a thriller script...
Sorry, but that's my take on it.
The back and forth, and the writing got me frustrated when I was reading it.

Cindy

As James said, this is shakespearean. It's a tragedy. Father and son fall for a mysterious woman -- son stabs father, father kills son (if I understand correctly).

It's very interesting and, yes, frustrating in that it is at times difficult to follow. This is, I think, due to the writing style which is (I get to use one of my favorite words!) prolix. Even so, it is well written; but in my opinion, more poetic than the usual  bare-bones, minimalistic approach necessary to a spec script.

It had a surreal feel to it. That said, I wonder what someone like Aronofsky might do with it? In any case, this script is definitely (or should I say defiantly?) more art than craft.

Refreshing,

Seth


  

I think that this was very well written, but I wasn't able to decipher it.

It seemed to me that this woman was a ghost and for some reason the son stabbed his father.

There was this continued question as to what the package with the green bow was, but I never found out what it was supposed to symbolize.

The signet ring belonged to the boy, but what it was I don't know.

Also, why was the father continually trying to hide the package underneath his coat?

The small green eyed child that emerges at the end is obviously related to the woman, but I don't know how.

I'm definitely missing things.

When you described the F%# scene and used the F%# word, you used it to good effect and I appreciate this because, I get so sick of movies being filled with language that no longer has any impact.

It felt to me that this particular choice reflected the lack of love and the fact that it was purely an animalistic pleasure as opposed a gentle kind of love making.

This is perhaps the only thing I can guess at that makes any sense.  Is this meant to be a metaphor for the kind of loveless passion for sex that ends badly?

His thrusts are called "angry."  This means what?  I can only think it reflects the fact that as a man, he is driven by this unquenchable need which drives him against any rational thought.

This would make sense to me because he's called "father," as generic as it comes, and woman: ditto.  Then of course at the end, there is the generic child, suffering, alone...

I really enjoyed how this was written: the description I thought was done creatively, but without wordiness and that's hard to do, so it scores high for that alone; not to mention the fact that it looks clean and doesn't have typos that I could see.

The trouble is that I don't "get it."  So that leaves me frustrated.

If I'm correct at my guesses, then I feel better about the piece.  Then again, authors often say: "I never meant that," but it very well could be the subconscious working double time.

Despite my lack of understanding, I think this was a super job.

Sandra

I was pleased to hear that this was a novel experience for most of you.   It doesn’t come as a surprise to me, I did expect the comments that I received.  I do appreciate you taking the time to read this script and relay your opinion.

The intention of this script was to spec something different, something artsy and poetic, something that demands interpretation from the reader (director and eventually viewer).  Some of you got that, some of you didn’t – that happens.  I, personally, am pleased with the result and I think I achieved my goal.

I tried to keep this as visual as possible.  It isn’t perfect but isn’t bad for a week either.  

Some of you commented on characters emotions.  I think emotions are fair game, especially in a silent flick.  Any actor that can’t show an emotion isn’t worth their salt.  Sure I could have said ‘he shows anger on his face’ (or something like that),  but IMO the more succinct ‘he is angry’ works just as well.

Many of you commented on the flashbacks, that they were confusing.  I tend to agree with that.  I tried to make it clearer for the reader with time designations (One Week Ago, etc).  A director could then make the times look different through the use of filters or washing out the colours in the past (or whatever).  I don’t really like the idea of making the story linear, but I will give this issue a think.

I loved hearing the interpretations.  They caught the gist of the story but at the same time they added dimensions I didn’t expect. I will probably follow-up on some of those dimensions if I do a rewrite.

I have to say that I have a good laugh whenever anyone gives the criticism that something is overwritten. Not because it’s farcical, but because it reminds me of the following line from Amadeus.

Emperor Joseph II: My dear young man, don't take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It's quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that's all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.

Well thanks again for the comments.  For those of you that enjoyed this script be sure to check out the rest of this trilogy as it becomes available.

Cheers,

Michael  

Quoted from mcornetto I have to say that I have a good laugh whenever anyone gives the criticism that something is overwritten. Not because it's farcical, but because it reminds me of the following line from Amadeus. Emperor Joseph II: My dear young man, don't take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It's quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that's all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.

It's a good thing I described the piece as being prolixic!  -- Hope that's an appropriate variation of the word?

Anyway, Great quote.

I think there are lots of ways of writing a script -- especially a short. I can't tell you how frustrated I was with "the rules" when I first started submitting scripts. They're good to know, but every now and then, you have to take that crayon and color outside the lines. Your sanity will thank you.

Seth (hater of rules~!)