Private Pleasures by Leslie - Short, Comedy - A young married couple finds out that even though they thought they had revealed everything to each other, there are still more secrets to be told. < 12 pages - pdf, format

This was a funny little story, the kitchen scene reminded me of the "apple pie" scene from Anerican pie   It fit the theme all right, not much carving, at least not in the traditional sene...hehehe.  I liked the surprise that Chester got in the bedromm.  How the heck do you compete with that .  I do with it was a little more over the top, it was almost there but I think that it could have gone a little further. Good punchline at the end though.  Good job on this one.

I thought this was pretty funny, but I didn't think it REALLY got going until after Allison discovered Chester.  Not much that can be done there though, since I think a little set up is necessary.  

I really liked his attempted playoff with the birdhouse line, funny stuff.  I liked the payoff at the end with Allison and the VR machine as well.  

Good job.

Hey Pia. Yeah, I know it's you, hehe (unless someone up and ripped off Covert Careers).

First off, I don't care if this technology doesn't exist. Suspension of disbelief only goes so far. I still didn't find it realistic, even in the world you've created, that these instructions would be as detaileed as they are. Personally, I'd lose everything after "often found at home." It's not even that funny when it's described like this. I think it'd be funnier if Chester thought of it on his own. I imagine anyone who would buy this kind of technology would, anyway.

Sorry, I just had to put this out here.

Anyway, I never thought I'd read about these two again but I have to admit, I'm glad I did. Their relationship defines dysfunctional and that's where most of the humor comes from. On par with Arrested Development IMO. Still, there's some realism in everything that goes on, which is a good thing as well. Despite the lack of horses, I thought this one was still pretty funny, although not nearly as out there as its predeccesor. Regardless, you managed to put the pumpkin to good use in this one, LOL.

Good job, Pia.

Yeah, this has got to be pia.

Overall I think this worked quite nicely. While I didn't ROTFL it still made me chuckle a lot so that was good - and the pumpkin was there (oh was it ever!)  . I really loved this line:

ALLISON
(nervously)
I have no idea. Never seen it
before in my life...and even if I
had I wouldn’t know what it is or
what to do with it...if I had seen
it before in my life.

The story, while somewhat out there, was pretty simple and easy to follow. It was a quick read although it took a little time before it really got started. I really like the characters Allison and Chester, they're both kinda messed up but in a good way.

All in all a very good script.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Pia!

Now that was pretty good. I even got a few laughs out of it.  I guess you are doing a series of this couple.  Should be interesting to see a few more.  

The suggestions I have with this one would be to edit it a bit.  There's some typos and some of the descriptions can be tightened.  I also would have liked it if he were caught a bit more in the act during the pumpkin scene, like you foreshadowed him getting stuck and I think it would have been good for you to carry through on that.  

Thought the ending was a charmer.   Good work!

I don't know it was Pia's, because it was so...doesn't matter.

I love this work. It was very original and the dialogues were so smart. It wasn't a type of commom comedy, but a sofisticated one.

About carving jack-o-lantern, it seemed to me as another type of carving that makes the Halloween time very pleasurable to everyone!

BTW the title should be "My pumpkin b****"

Great job...Nice to see someone incorporate the pumpkin lovin' technique as described here a little while back...

Very strong, solid adult comedy with a great zinger at the end...

Loved the characters of Chester and Allison as they were very well developed in terms of thier dysfunction, in a manner definitly suitable for this sort of adult sitcom.

Loved the arguments around the item in the flashlight..

A-HA! I knew someone would do it! At least one script had to have this type of "carving" in their script!

This was very good. I enjoyed it greatly, and I liked the beginning of the talk between Allison and Chester after he finds her dildo. I started smiling when she denied that she's never seen it before. Nothing like laughing out loud, though, I think if I saw this on screen, I'd actually "LOL."

That must've been so embarrassing for Chester when Allison got home. And his excuse of it being a birdhouse. Haha.

This was really good. Nice work.

Sean

Loved it. Good humor.
It gives a whole new meaning to pumpkin carving, lol

My only gripe is, not knowing what sort of sexual problem Chester was having! He certainly had no problem being aroused by the virtual setup.
I also like the way you through the line about the dildo being given to her by her concerned mother-in-law, lol.

The ending felt a bit dead; considering they are both watching a heated erotic show, you would assume they would finally have sex – with each other.

I take nothing from the story, well done!

Minor Typo p4 and 12. Curser! …cursor

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  7/10
Comedy Structure: 7/10
My rating of your script overall: 8/10

I enjoyed reading this couple, though I didn't know they'd shown up before.  Kind of wish I knew I could do that.  Ah well, both characters were enough fun.  The situation is established well up front and I liked the fact that he's a breeder...of....some sort.  I might have missed it.

The virtual reality was really out of nowhere though.  It shows up and suddenly a one income house has this amozing virtual reality sex machine.  I can;t even afford to buy a video game!  

I liked the duelling hypocracy of virtual dildo vs. real one, and the ending was a nice punchline as well, even though that's an easy one.

This was well written, engaging...not imo, terribly funny, but it did have its moments. No complaints, really. My favorite element was the dialogue, especially the exchange concerning chester's problem -- that his mother is aware of it. That was funny.

Anyway, good job!

Seth

Ha Ha! I'm really enjoying these scripts.  

Imagine the home shopping network selling these kinds of things.  

I loved the line: Chester!... Were you screwing the pumpkin?
Aaahhh!

I also liked what happened when he found what he found in the flashlight.  

Good stuff Pia.  

There were a couple type o's I found though. Where for were... am for A M.

Cute story though,

Cindy

This was well done.  I think it's close to perfect.

There's a bit of excess.  For instance: you can eliminate "quite" in quite steamy--little things like that, but mostly this is top notch.

If there isn't a "Virtual Vicky," there soon will be.

I think you can make this a little bit longer, it ended a little too soon I thought, but I sincerely enjoyed the read.

Sandra

I didn't enjoy it much. I understand the confines of this script but I think it could have gotten to other places. For instance, the scene where Vicky tells Chester about the pumpkin was too cliche. It fit the theme but to direct for the theme I guess. I would have like to see Chester questioning this and coming to a possible realization that probably it was a joke from his wife or something along those lines sort. But the bedroom scene was funny though.

Hope this helps,
Gabe