A Mahvelous Short Film by Gwen Manning - Short - Billy Crystal Fernados a fan. 2 pages - doc, format

Hey Gwen,

This felt like a story that was leading up to a punchline, but it either went over my head or there wasn't one.

Whilst the formatting was easy enough to follow, it wasn't standard screenplay format. If you want to pick up some free screenwriting software, you can get it from here: http://www.celtx.com/

Quoted from Chris Reid Hey Gwen, This felt like a story that was leading up to a punchline, but it either went over my head or there wasn't one. Whilst the formatting was easy enough to follow, it wasn't standard screenplay format. If you want to pick up some free screenwriting software, you can get it from here: http://www.celtx.com/

I pretty much agree with this.

An easy read, but one I just don't get. Can you elaborate on this story?

By the way, I really liked your title. It caught my attention more than the others.

Quoted Text Ext. dusk

Sluglines need a location in them.

Like the others, I was left wondering if I'd overlooked something. Are the comments about detectives and mini-bars hinting at anything? Are we supposed gleam some dark secret from Billy's past?

In your sluglines, there is no location.just to let you know, you need one. This wasn't really in format, so i'd suggest taking Chris' advice.

Now with the story, the only thing i liked was the title. Which was probably why i read. But the story didn't do anything for me. What exactly was this? Could you elaborate on what's going on?

Hi Gwen!

Formatting issues aside, there wasn't too much happening here, just a loose sketch as Billy Crystal is walking down the red carpet, his only purpose seemed to be giving the crowd a "You look Mahvelous."

Maybe this was based on a personal experience you had meeting Billy, if so, build up to it...This could be the biggest moment for a huge Fernado fan, but as it is, we don't have any developed characters root for or identify with.

Suggest set it up that this girls a huge fan, always saying that line to her freinds. She hears Billy is coming to the local community theater for a benefit. She goes through heck and high water to see him, fighting off body guards, ring-tailed lemurs and drag queens when finally...we see Billy and the publicist getting out of the car. Then when he smiles at her and gives her the You look Mahvelous, it means something, both to your character and your audience.

Hope this is helpful to you...

Joe

I don't understand why you wrote a script that deals with a character that Billy Crystal did over twenty years ago.  It doesn't make any sense.  The whole things read like it was two pages of a larger scene, or story.

By itself, it doesn't work.


Phil

I don't want to come across as thick but I just don't get this.  I feel there's more than meets the eye to this but I'm not up on Billy Crystal's career so it just went over my head sorry.

fine

Quoted from gwen manning fine

Is that all you have to say to those who read your script and offered their opinions?

It's hard to get read... Even if you don't receive praise, you should be appreciative people took their time (their FREE time) to read your script.  

Quoted from gwen manning fine

Why did you post this script, Gwen?  Were you hoping for feedback of some sort?

A handful of readers did not get the joke.  One liked your title.  Another asked if this were based on personal experience.  A few offered help with proper script format.  A few more asked you to elaborate on this story.

When you respond, that is your opportunity to establish a rapport with your readers.  A simple "thank you" if nothing else.

All you are doing here is assuring that the next offering from Gwen Manning will be met with thunderous silence.

Please re-evaluate how you respond to those who took the time to offer you feedback for your work.

hmmm I meant fine in the nicest way, and did not mean to offend anyone. I was happy, happier than I have been in a long time to come home from work and see all the response to my little script. I also love writers and have the most respect for anyone who could put their heart and sole into something as far out there as selling a screenplay, not to mention reading others on their own time - for free. I didn't expect anyone to respond to my stuff in a million years, and that fact that other writers...wow. I love all the feedback, good or bad,  from free software, to the lemurs and the feeling on the 20 year old routine of Crystal. For the record, each character on the way up the red carpet is a take on his various roles, Jody from Soap, SNL new fall lineup Orson Welles and Shelley Winters 2 people who eat their way west, they're detectives was also part of that bit, Owen loves his mother Throw Momma from the train, Mr. Zero mentioned in When Harry met Sally, mini bar in America's Sweethearts and can you dig it, his blues singer impression - Anyway, the you look marvelous at the end was in response to a fan who remembers him for more than Fernando - so I hope that clears up more than my lousy script and THANK YOU very much for your help and consideration, and, I am sorry if I offended anyone...Gwen

Gwen,

You really need to have a look at the format cos' yours is way off. Story wise this didn't work for me, I guess the joke/punchline was simply over my head.

Remember, every story should have a beginning, a middle and an end. This story seems to come out of nowhere. You should tighten this up.